On the cusp.

I've got something to prove in the new year.

A friend told me last week that I'm "too atune to the needs of other people" and so I never take time to make myself happy.  His words rang so true that they knocked the wind out of my lungs.

I've been this way my whole life.  I always put everyone before me.  Even my most seemingly selfish moments were often derived from wanting to please someone else deeply.  Does that even make sense??  I don't know if I can put it into words but the bottom line is that for the first time I realize that I need and want to prove something to just myself.


I rarely fail other people...why on earth have I kept failing myself???

2009 was a great year because I married the man of my dreams.  M is easily the best thing that ever happened to me and I thank the universe every day for him.

But 2010 is all about me baby!

This year, I intend to marry myself...and dammit I will NOT be a fat bride again!

I may stumble and I will probably fall...but I will never give up.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, you ladies give me strength more than you know.  I've always been the support group but I've never really had one of my own.  Sure, my family has been there for me but there is so much that I can't tell them.  They need to see me happy-and-smiling or there is drama.

You ladies understand the good, the bad, and the ugly that I feel.
Thank you!

So good riddance 2009.  I'm ready to let you go.

Thin in '10!
Thin in '10!
Thin in '10!

xoxoxox

Out with the old...in with the new!

Ladies, please check out MorticaBones.  I'm her only follower thus far and she needs support like we all do.

And  I'm still feeling good about the impending new year.

This was 2009...

This will be 2010!!!

love you guys!
xoxoxox

The girl has a plan.

Christmas was...well, let's just say that I'm damn glad it is over.

I am now in holiday purgatory trying to move on from the Xmas binge and prep myself for the coming New Year (drinking!) festivities.

I will be so damn happy when 2010 arrives. I feel like I'm waiting to be born or something. As I stated in my last post, I intend to fast through January but I should explain more lest you all think I'm out to kill myself or fuck up my metabolism too much next month.

My January "fast" schedule is outlined as follows:

Friday, Jan 1 - Water, Coffee, 32oz Green Smoothie (approx 200-300 cals)
Saturday, Jan 2 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS
Sunday, Jan 3 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS
Monday, Jan 4 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 5 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 6 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 7 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 8 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 9 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 10 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Monday, Jan 11 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 12 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 13 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 14 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 15 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 16 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 17 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Monday, Jan 18 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 19 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 20 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 21 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 22 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 23 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 24 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Monday, Jan 25 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 26 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 27 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 28 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 29 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 30 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 31 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake

This arrangement gives me 4 full fasting days a week and allows for some respectable nutrition intake via the Green Smoothies and also the necessary protein replenishment via the shakes. I'm probably not going to exercise on weekdays due to the low cals. I'm adding the additional cals on the weekend to kick my metabolism back up and to have energy for workouts.

I'll post my green smoothie recipes as I go. I like to play around with them a lot to keep them interesting and to give my body some nutritional variety. If you are interested in Green Smoothies then just google them. There are tons of recipes out there. I try to focus on making them with the lowest calorie fruits/veggies and supplements of course.

I feel good about this. In February I am going to try to focus on maintaining the January losses and staying away from that damn Mia. I also think I'm going to bite the bullet and maybe get a personal trainer in February. I need to get serious about toning up more.

I feel oddly calm and excited about the new year. I don't know if it is because of being newly married to M or what but I don't think I've ever been this happy overall.

If I can just be thin enough then my life will be complete.

2 day fast

No food until Xmas eve.

M and I are leaving tomorrow morning for Michigan and the xmas weekend with my crazy family. iamsoexcitedthaticantstandit!!

In anticipation of all of the eating and drinking that I will most probably do over the weekend I've decided to fast until Xmas evening dinner on Thursday.

And I want to wish you all a very happy holidays!

Starting January 1st I am going on a 30 day fast.

2010 is going to be my year dammit.

love you guys to bits!
A

Holiday Luncheon

Today is the firm's annual holiday luncheon.

There will be much wine served which I intend to avoid.

The office will close early.

I'm going to eat as little as possible then head home and hit the gym.

Oh please, oh please, oh please let this damn holiday season pass quickly!
All of these events planned around food make me crazy.

Bah, Humbug!

"You're too sensitive"

Apparently being a friend and caring when someone fucks you over is considered "too sensitive".

You know, this is the story of my life. I can't tell you how many people have fucked me over when all I was doing was behaving like I thought a friend should behave. I should just get it through my fat skull that people are inherently assholes.

Great.

Got it.

Now I guess I get to be an asshole too right?

Except that I'm too fucking sensitive and I cried because I thought friendship was important.

"Silly fat Africana..."

"Just go to bed hungry and wake up tomorrow hoping for a better day."

/end rant

*sigh*

love you guys.

xoxox

I put the 'end' in Friend.

Side note to previous commenter Tiffany asking for "advice".

Dear Tiffany,

My sincere advice is for you to get a gym membership and join weight watchers. Reduce your calories slowly over time. Eat more fruit and veggies. Be sure to get some exercise daily.

I would not recommend doing anything I do here. I restrict. I purge. I am what they call "eating disordered". I would advise you to stay far from it.

As for the challenge of being married to a man who loves food, if you can't avoid eating with him then at least make a concerted effort to reduce your portions. Couple portion reduction with exercise and you'll find success over time. Just stay strong and don't give up!

xox
A

*********And now back to our regular programming....****************

The last two days have been a free for all. Eating crap. Purging shortly thereafter. Eating more crap. Feeling depressed and then punishing myself by digesting aforementioned crap. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

While wallowing in my misery yesterday and shoving a handful of potato chips down my throat I tried to figure out what the hell I was really feeling. I've been so down this week. And then it hit me, I'm sad/angry/hurt about losing a friend.

Here's a synopsis of the tale:

- M (my husband) works with a guy for years, let's call him SG.
- SG finally gets a girlfriend in early 2008, she is my friend J who was referenced here.
- I LOVE J. We are born one day apart (she's the oldest). She even has a daughter with my name. I feel like we are long lost sisters. I don't make girlfriends easily so I'm thrilled.

...fast forward...

- 6 months ago SG and J move into a house in my town even though J tells me that she and SG are having problems.
- 3 months ago J asks me to sell my car to her daughter. I agree and give them a deal and even say they can pay me in installments.
- 2 weeks ago J tells me that she is cheating on SG (I think this is shitty and tell her so.)
- Shortly thereafter I stop receiving the agreed upon car payments.
- J then announces that she is leaving SG and won't return my calls or emails.
- I am now out a friend and several thousand dollars.

God, it sounds so damn petty when I type it all out.

Nevertheless I am PISSED and HURT at how J is going out. This is why I have almost no female friends. Why the fuck do women treat each other this way?? And this is not the first time I've been screwed over by a chick. I am too old for this bullshit.

I thought I was helping a FRIEND. I always go out of my way for people like this in my life and 9 times out of 10 I get screwed up the ass with no lube! (Pardon my language.)

When I'm hurt, I eat.
When I eat, I hurt.

It's a vicious cycle that ends today.

It is bad enough how I let the ED control me. I'll be damned if I'm going to let that bitch J cause me to gain weight.

I am heartened only by my strong belief in karma. At least I behaved from a place of trying to help someone. She is a user and will get hers one day.

I intend to be thin and happy while she suffers.

So far nothing but coffee and I'm shockingly not hungry. I'm going to pop a half of a phentermine to keep it that way.

Stay strong ladies!

xoxox

Dear Monday

Dear Monday,

I believe in you no matter how awful you usually are.
Don't let me down!

Love,
A

************************

It's a new day ladies and I am not eating.

That is all.

xoxoxoxox!

Epic.Fail.

Yeah, well....yesterday I was doing GREAT until I got home.

I am beginning to hate being home. M spends most of his time downstairs playing video games and I have entirely too much unsupervised time up in the bedroom.

Anyways, I got home feeling delightfully empty, spent a little "quality time" with M and I was feeling strong so I said I would go get him something for dinner. We have a dreadful tradition of me bringing him home a baconator from Wendy's on Friday nights. (I know, I know...Baconators...w.t.f???) I don't know how this became a thing but the man loves bacon and I love the man so...love makes you do strange things!

Anywhoooo, yeah, I had a breakdown and bought food-items-that-shall-not-be-named.

Ate. Barfed. Slept.

Ugh.

I feel confident that I got almost all of it out so I'm still putting the day well under 500 cals BUT STILL...

FUCK YOU MIA! YOU TREACHEROUS BITCH!!
I DON'T NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

/end rant

I'm better this morning. Had a salon appointment at 8am and am now home feeling better and wrapping M's birthday presents for the dinner tonight. I got him a iTouch 64GB! He is going to be so excited! I got him an iTouch a couple of years ago when they first came out and it is his favorite toy. The 3rd-gen is so much better that I just had to get him a new one. It was entirely too much money to spend and I would never buy it for myself but he loves cool toys. It makes him happy to have the latest thing. I am going to give him my 80GB classic iPod to use in his car (the iTouch won't work in the car for some reason) and I'll take his old iTouch which is all I need. It's a win for everyone!

I love the boy. If it wasn't his birthday I think I'd be trying to hurt myself because of last night. But I'm okay. Today is about M and not me.

Mia can kiss my fat ass.

Oh, and we are getting the first snow of the winter! It's pretty outside. :)

I hope you all have a good day and beat the demons that hound us.

Control is the fucking GOAL.

xoxoxoxox

The Goal

I seem to have forgot the impetus for the start (and the title) of this blog. The last two months have hardly been stellar in the 'control' department. But no more...

Although I've lost some weight in the last few weeks I could have lost SO MUCH MORE with out mia tagging along like some insistent homeless puppy prodding me to feed her again and again.

So, although this will be only one day because I have to eat tomorrow for M's birthday dinner, today I am pledging to you all and to my self to rest my mind, body, and spirit with a water fast.

I am not going to think about food because I am not going to eat any food.

I've taken a phentermine to kill my appetite. I don't take these much anymore because they have a tendency to fuck with my mood but today I don't care. Not eating will make my mood marvelous!

I've got to pull myself together. My skirt feels less loose today and that is absolutely and completely unacceptable.

Control is the goal and I am committed to it.

Go away mia. I do not want to play with you anymore.

I hope you are all doing well. I plan to take some time to check in on all of your blogs. You ladies give me strength and I appreciate it more then I could ever express fully with words.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox!

So far so good.

Yesterday wasn't perfect but I did keep things below 600 calories which doesn't completely suck. Thus far today I've mapped out 500 calories for myself and consumed just half of that thus far. I'm not eating anything else until after I get home from the gym tonight.

I really need a few good fasting days but I can't seem to find the strength for it right now. I didn't binge yesterday but I did purge up the soup I ate when I got home. I'm having such a hard time not purging every day. If I don't binge though I still seem to be losing weight albeit slowly.

I just want to get through the holidays weighing less than I started. Once January hits I'm on a mission to lose as much weight as possible before S's wedding which is either going to be in July or September of 2010.

I'm feeling a bit more in control today but not enough to pull off a fast. Why is it that sometimes it is so easy and sometimes it is so damned hard??

I just ate two thin slices of deli roast beef for lunch (I'm avoiding carbs like the plague today) and I am seriously considering going to purge it.

Fuck it. I'm skipping dinner. I need to be empty again.
Why does hunger make me feel better???


**********Update**********

The roast beef didn't get digested.

Sweet emptiness, Please consume me.

xox

Good riddance!

I am sooooooooooooo glad Thanksgiving is over that I could just cry.

It was horrible.

An absurd amount of food was presented. It was my first time having Thanksgiving with the in-laws and these people... I mean...one of his cousins brought 5 pies and a fucking cake!! (This is not to mention the two pies, nut rolls, molasses cookies, and peanut butter/chocolate/vanilla varieties of fudge that my mother-in-law made too!!!)

There were only 14 of us there!

The freaking dessert table was as packed as the dinner table. It was UNREAL. M looked like a stuffed pinata on the way home. No joke. I didn't offer him any food at all yesterday. Nothing. I'm terrible right?!

I ate. I purged in their upstairs bathroom. Ugh.

And then...oh, get this...the entire family returns on Friday to eat leftovers...and...wait for it... they brought MORE desserts!!!! W.T.F???

So far today I've had a green smoothie (150 cals) and a yogurt (120 cals).

I just haven't the heart to eat anything else.

I'm heading to the gym after work and doing my best to pull myself together before M's birthday celebration this coming weekend.

Be strong ladies.

xoxox

*ahem*

Dear Tuesday,

I am starting my day now and would like to remind you that
YOU ARE NOT MONDAY so please do not be sucking.

Thank you.


p.s. To my ladies...I love you dearly; I am freaking out about all the evil food coming on Turkey day; and the friend referred to in last post asked me to be in her wedding (Ha! I am so gonna lose this weight!)

And for the love of Prada...please stay away from the pumpkin pies!!!

xoxoxoxoxox

Thoughts on competition

Celebrity thinspo is great but let's be honest here. We are in greatest competition day-to-day with the women we see in our everyday lives.

Case and point:

I have a really good friend. She is awesome and I love her to pieces. I would do anything for her but kill. Seriously.

Although neither of us would ever ever EVER admit it we compete when it comes to weight loss. (I secretly think she was happy that I was a fat bride. Bitch.) Her boyfriend just proposed and now she is set to get married within the next year.

And you know what?

I have decided that I will be smaller then she is at her wedding. And I know she is going to drop some pounds so this will be GREAT motivation for me!

How sick am I?

1. I know that if I am thinner than her at her wedding it will make her feel like shit.
2. I am going to starve myself silly to make sure that I will be thinner than her at her wedding.
3. Thus, I am consciously deciding that I want to make her feel like shit at her wedding.

I feel like an outrageous bitch but this is the truth of my feelings.

I am seriously going to open a bar when I get to hell.

Ah well, Happy Friday my lovelies!

Don't eat.

xox

Good news!

I haven't binged in two days.

(Sad huh? That is what I currently deem as success.)

Ah well...

Yay me!!

Onto a 3rd day of binge free living baby! Woot!

xoxoxoxoxoxox

The road to hell.

Every morning I get up with a head full of good intentions.

Today, I will eat responsibility or fast successfully.
Today, I will shine light on my shadows and see myself as I am…and love me anyway.
Today, I will get to the gym and energize my body with movement.
Today, I will clean out my over-flowing in box at work.
Today, I will not drink alcohol.
Today, I will...

Who the fuck am I kidding??

Whoever said “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” was damn right.

I can’t seem to get the b/p under control. Some days are better then others but I am purging every day and the last few days have ended with some out of control binges. I feel horrible. I feel lonely. I feel tired and bloated and generally sad.

My life is far from terrible but I feel like I’m falling to an emotional abyss. I am terrified to tell anyone in my life what is really going on with me. I fear anyone seeing the real fucked up person that I am. I’m pretty convinced they will all leave me alone and fat anyway.

Pitiful huh?

C’est ma vie.

Well, I’ve taken a few laxies this afternoon and hopefully that will help with the bloat and I’m going to do a saltwater flush tomorrow to keep things moving. I am also going to go to the gym tonight after work to try to kick my ass both figuratively and literally.

This never ends does it?
Has anyone in the history of the world ever “won” this game??

Gah. I already want a drink.

Sorry for this bitchy post ladies. I just had to get this off of my chest.

xox!

Escape to Gym Island!

I am leaving work early today to spend the afternoon in the gym.

Did I tell my boss this?  No.

However, my thighs have been put on notice that they will receive NO MERCY this afternoon.

I hate those fucking fat bitches.

Love you guys though!  :)

xox

Ladies...

Meet R....she has been liquid fasting for 22 days.

I wish like hell that I had that level of control right now.

Out into the world.

I don't like to leave the house on the weekends. I would much rather sit in my house. 

I have a treadmill. 
I have coffee. 
I have M.
It is enough.

But alas, today is one of those Saturdays that makes me feel out of sorts.  I must be in the world today.

I went out to the gym this morning for a much needed bout on the elliptical machine.
I got coffee.
M is out modeling his tattoos.  (He has over 80 hours of amazing work covering his back and chest.)
I have to meet my girlfriend J at the movies at 2pm.  Then we are spending the afternoon together for "girl time".

There is food out there.
There is alcohol out there.
I can't control things out there.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not afraid of the world or anything it's just that I spend so much time during the week being "on" for everyone and everything.  My job demands that and it is exhausting.

The weekends are mine.  And I like them to be comfy and cozy inside. 
I like for the weekends to be empty...much like my stomach.

Fuck it. 
I am going to put on a cute sweater and bright lipstick and embrace the world out there.
(And probably consume a bottle or two of wine!)
Hee.

Have a good day everyone!

Longest.Friday.Ever.

I've no desire to work today. And yet, I am stuck here.

I made some changes to the blog and put up a picture of my favorite thinspo, Yasmin Warsame. Sweet Jeebus I would KILL for her body.

sigh.

My boss is on a plane returning from Asia and will hit the ground in the next two hours. Of course she will call me immediately thereafter and my life will be hell until 5pm at least.

Gah.

All I can do is sit here and think of the sushi I intend to b/p on when I get home tonight. Washed away with some Chardonnay of course!

At least I haven't eaten a solid thing yet today.

That is a victory.
...Is that a victory?

oof.

xox...and I don't normally do the thinspo thing but these pictures of Yasmin are just too good...

"You've really lost a lot of weight in the last year."

So I had my annual "chick" appointment this morning. (Make sure you get them if you can ladies...VERY important!)

I didn't remember until I was sitting in the waiting room that they were going to weigh me.

WEIGH.ME.

I panicked. I have been avoiding the scale like the plague because I can't take it. The numbers just fuel my madness. The number is never good enough, even if it is going down, and it just drives me to food and then depression. So I haven't weighed myself in months and have just been going by clothing size.

Clothes are getting too baggy = Yay!
Clothes are getting tight = Massive Depression

Happily, everything is baggy these days so I'm pleased.

Anywhoooo...I get on the scale and the number, which I can not bring myself to type, is smaller then I'd expected (Yay!) but far too high to be proud of (You fucking fat cow!). I'm feeling bad throughout the exam and near the end my doctor casually looks at my chart and then at me and says the most wonderful sentence I've ever heard...

"You've really lost a lot of weight in the last year."

I wanted to kiss her.

Because you know, I get so obsessed with right now that I forget the ocean for the waves.

She is right. I have lost a respectable amount of weight in the last year even though I am no where near my goal.

And just for today, I have decided to be happy with that.

The scale is moving in the right direction. And that is okay with me. :)

So far today nothing but coffee.

Yay!

Pulling myself together

You guys are wonderful.

Thanks for the support.

I feel better this morning. I've had a moment of zen or something. Whatever happened, I awoke feeling very in control. I haven't had this feeling for weeks. It feels damn good.

So, I'm on my second cup of coffee and planning to spend the day cleaning the house. We are getting together with friends tonight so I will have to eat and there will be alcohol but I can handle it. It is all I will consume for the day besides coffee and water.

I feel calmly aware of myself this morning. Accepting who I am, the good and the bad, and facing it head on.

Because deep down inside, away from the self-criticisms, away from the ED, away from the fears and anger...I know that I am worth loving.

Sometimes I fall down but I will never give up on me. Never.

Peace to you all and wishes for a productive day.

I do NOT know how to eat.

Okay, seriously...

I do not know how to eat.

WTF??

When I do eat, I purge. Even if it is something "healthy".

When I don't eat, I think about eating and purging.

I have no concept of enjoying and digesting a "reasonable" meal.

Jesus Christ.

In the last two weeks almost everything I have consumed has been purged. Even when I've gone to the vegan restaurant around the corner. It is all fresh, vegan, and low calorie but I can not HELP but to purge it away.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????

I've resigned myself to my fate.

I will throw up until the weight stops dropping.

And then I will starve.

idk....................

I do love you ladies so. Please don't think me too vain or too crazy.
You are the only ones that I think even begin to understand my madness.
I love you and appreciate you more then words can express.

Africana on Eating

To eat means to agonize at all non-eating times about what could/should/would possibly go easily in and come easily up.

To eat means to ensure you have a large glass of water or better yet soda (the bubbles help!) on hand so that the liquid makes the purging less harsh.

To eat means to love ice cream and yogurts for they are smooth on the way in and on the way out.

To eat means to panic if you must go to a restaurant with co-workers at lunch who talk too damn much and always want to accompany you to the bathroom when you need to "freshen up"/lighten-up after you scarf down a sandwich at The Corner Bakery.

To eat means to hate yourself with each bite, to smile with each heave, and to sob at the end of each day.

To eat means to watch other people in absolute amazement when you pass them pushing their full grocery carts and realize that they actually intend to DIGEST all of that food!

To eat means to spend your money on bullshit that you have no intention of keeping down for longer then a few minutes, if you can help it.

To eat means to find a small bakery that specializes in the MOST devine cupcakes located a few blocks from your job, then to stop at said bakery one day and purchase a half dozen of the unbelievable beauties, delicately carry them on the subway, kiss your husband when you get home, go upstairs and gulp down all 6 cupcakes with a soda, immediately purge the lot, rinse the mouth, and then go down stairs to watch TV with hubby before bedtime.

To eat means to feel full only when you are convinced that you are completely or close to emptied.

To eat is torture.
To binge is madness.
To starve is devine.

xox

Being Africana

I've neither gained nor lost a pound.

I'm throwing up almost every thing I eat every day.

Work is completely insane right now.

Husband is awesome sauce.

I want cats...asap.

The fucking mini-milkyway bars out at the reception desk are taunting me.

I hate that I have to go to lunch today with co-workers.

I love my treadmill.

My period ends tomorrow....THANK GOD.

I miss you ladies and hope you are all doing well.

okloveyoubye

xox

Week.From.Hell

My boss is preparing for 3 speeches and a 10 day trip to Asia. My life is so crazy right now that I just want to scream!

I've been eating, not fabulously, but keeping it under 800 cals. The purging is in check for the moment. Whew!

PMS is settling in so the desire for chocolate is driving me crazy but I've been good so far! (Although there are some M&M's at the reception desk that have been singing my name all day. Damn those tasty little bitches!)

I'm sorry I haven't had time to check in with you all. I hope you are doing well.

Much, much, much, much love to everyone.

Don't eat!

xox

Happy and Hungover

The party last night was a BLAST. I drank a ridiculous amount and ate more then I am willing to think about at the moment. I was a super cute sexy devil and M loved the fun wig I wore. It was good times and I don't regret a moment! Last year at this same party I got so drunk that I passed out in the bathroom. Yeah, totally embarassing. This year I actually ate (and kept down most of it!) a meal before the event...and I did something that I've never done before.

I purged at the party.

I went to the bathroom and threw up several times during the night actually. It allowed me to keep drinking and eating. Purging and partying are two great things that go great together!

I know that I have issues but I just don't give a shit as long as my jeans keep getting looser.

I'm hungover today and have been eating crap. Of course, most of it is purged. I am going to attempt another fast this week. Last week I was a terrible failure on the fasting front but I'm feeling strong and ready to drop more of these disgusting pounds.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Win!

Did NOT binge last night!

Yessssssssssssssssssss.

Plus a most freakish occurrence this morning...I actually noticed some weight loss. This almost never happens. See, I am shaped like Jessica Rabbit. Seriously. I come from a long line of freakishly proportioned women; full bust and hips in relation to a bizarrely small waist. I am eternally grateful for the figure but I DESPISE my hips. For some reason I gain weight there first and lose weight there last. If it weren't for a lifetime of squats and lunges I would be a walking caricature like some of my extended family members.

Anywho, while doing my regular physical inventory in the mirror this morning I noted that my waist and hips have notably shrunk. Yes, I am still most definitely a cow but I am a smaller heifer, which for today will be marked a victory.

Win!

Plus, I put on a suit that I haven't worn in ages and it was a little lose! Yay!

All of this has miraculously taken away my appetite. I am hoping to ride this wave of joy to a full fast day.

I think I may even weigh myself tomorrow morning. Maybe. Maybe not. or Maybe.
Gah!

(Is it obvious that I'm hopped up on happy and lots of coffee??)

okloveyoubye!

Better day today

I'm probably at about 400 calories.

Sometimes I wish that didn't matter. But it does so I deal with it.

So, 400 calories and fighting a strong desire to binge tonight. I think I will be okay. I'm feeling pretty steady at the moment and M will be there when I get home. I think I can distract myself with some "boo time" and just go straight to bed.

We are strong and beautiful just the way we are ladies.

Just wanted you to know that I sincerely believe that.

xox

Be strong, starve on, and do whatever you have to do to make it through the day!

Humility

I am only now beginning to fully realize the extent of this disorder's power.

I did something today that disgusts me so deeply. I am horrified to even tell you about it because the behavior shocks me.

I will simply confess that I binged and purged at work today for the first time. I know that I must smell of it. There is proof of it in the trash can under my desk. I know that my frequent trips to the bathroom were notable.

I feel deeply and incredibly ashamed.

And yet...

I.Could.Not.Help.Myself.

I have been trying to view my thoughts and behaviors through some lens of acceptance but it is challenging.

When did I become this wretched and retching thing?

How do I make it all stop? And more honestly, do I really want it all to stop??

I am humbled by the power of this disorder.

Yet I remain ever hopeful that it is a force I will find a way to either defeat or co-exist with in resignation.

It has not yet beat me, though today it fought and won a most impressive battle.

“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

I am going home tonight and straight to bed.

I am ready for a new day to arrive.

(Have I mentioned how very much much I love you all? xox)

5 day fast

Yesterday was better but not great. I staved off eating until about 3:30pm and then managed to shove about 600 calories into my mouth the hour and a half following. Since I obviously could not be trusted, I then took two sleeping pills and went to bed.

Yep, in bed by 5pm.

All I know is that sleeping=not eating, and that is good.

The costume party is on Saturday and I've got to make up for my ridiculousness over the weekend so no solid food for me until Saturday.

The longest I've ever fasted in the past was 4 days.

I will beat that record this week.

Oh, and my boobs are shrinking which sucks. Why can't fat leave your thighs first?

*sigh*

Food sucks. Starving rocks.

xox

A New Day

Okay well...thank heavens THAT is over.

It's a new day. I'm awake and feeling significantly stronger.

I am about to make a pot of very strong coffee, clean my bathroom, and then spend several hours exercising until I can hardly move.

I am not even going to feel ashamed about yesterday. It is over and I'm done with it.

Onward and Downward!

I will be damned if one day is going to stop me.

Starve the fuck ON.

(Love you ladies to DEATH!)

Fuck a carb.

I have spent the day b/p.

Extreme b/p.

I've removed at least 70% of my calorie intake and let me tell you...it was an impressive intake.

FML

I can't explain what happened today. It is rainy and cold and M and I decided to spend the day indoors which led to him making a terribly fattening breakfast which I couldn't pass up and thus the purging began. After that he was called into work and I spent the afternoon wallowing in binge hell. I went to McDonalds for godssake!! Sweet jeebus I binged and purged and binged and purged and ...

It is finally over. I'm exhausted. I've eaten everything sweet, salty, and otherwise. I can safely fast for the rest of the week. Today was my food nightmare.

And the sickest thing is that there is a part of me that is proud...yes, Proud...that I purged so easily all day.

I'm okay with this. The less calories the more I win.

Right?

Right???


Stay strong...stay hungry.

I eat therefore I purge.

I stopped on the way home last night to purchase a bottle of wine.

Entered the house and made myself a bowl of my husband's meat-laden pasta sauce with fresh broccoli instead of pasta (try it, it's good!) sucked down a glass and a half of wine, ate the sauce and vegs and promptly went to the bathroom to get rid of it all.

Rinsed out my mouth, smiled, had another glass of wine, got rid of that too, scarfed down two handfuls of cheese curls(why were they in the house?!) and a little more wine , sent them all to porcelain heaven, and then went to bed content.

I've been happily sipping on coffee all morning with nothing in my tummy.

Seriously, my fucked up behavior brings me entirely too much satisfaction.

Still afraid to get on the scale but the skirt I put on today is definitely looking too big.

Yay!

Starve on.

My husband doesn't care.

My husband does not seem to give a damn about my weight.

Of course I'm not tipping 300+ lbs so maybe I don't know where his boundaries are. hmmm...

My point is, he genuinely doesn't seem to get the least bit ruffled by my past gains/losses of 10-15 lbs. They drive me to madness but he still keeps on groping and kissing me so I guess he's okay with it.

What does seem to ruffle him lately is my mood in relation to my weight. When I'm gaining I'm miserable to live with. When I'm losing I'm a joy to be around. I think he's figured this out enough to find subtle ways to help me lose thus keep me smiling.

Case and point - cookies entered our home last weekend. [Okay...yes... I brought them in butthatisnottheissue!] I consumed one cookie and basically my mood turned from pleasant/sweet to cranky/evil in a matter of seconds. Seriously, like instantaneous Jeckyll and Hyde stuff.

After witnessing this transformation he took the cookies away and hid them from me. I sulked downstairs later to ask for one and he says, in all seriousness, "Are you sure?". I paused and realized that I wasn't at all sure. Fucking cookies. I got mad again and stomped upstairs - sans cookie.

I think of this story today and realize that my husband is just what I need; a man that cares about my happiness more then my weight. Lord knows that I obsess about my weight enough for the both of us.

And so today, nothing but coffee with almond milk and sweet 'n low again. I've been living on less then 200 calories for the past few days. I'm not eating at the office because I sit on my ass too damned much to justify a single calorie. In the evenings when I get home (usually after 7pm) I've been eating a cup or two of raw broccoli and nibbling on about an ounce this delicious smoked salmon that I found at Costco.

I know that the pounds are dropping because my clothes are notably loser this week but I have no idea what I weigh because I can not yet face the scale. I want to wait until one of my suit skirts falls off of me. Then maybe I will weigh myself. Or maybe not. I don't know.

Gah!

I wonder if my husband would care if I never ate again?


UPDATE
Just had a mini-breakdown and ate 4 small cookies and a single wrapped twizzler. The cookie box said they were 110cals for two plus the twizzler and I'm over my daily 200 but that is okay. [deep breath] I purged up a little (but not enough) and the out-of-control feeling has passed. Thank heavens for my 2 hour commute home! If I can just stay out of the fucking kitchen until 5pm then I've got the commute home where I can't eat and then I'm taking a sleeping pill and going directly to bed. F the TV. I can't risk staying up tonight. Consciousness = temptation.

Your comments totally motivated me ladies. GRACIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxox

Meditating on Madness

Can you love yourself and still have an ED?

Or are the two things diametrically opposed?

Seriously. I want to know.

For the last few weeks I've been listening to a podcast from a buddhist teacher. She is awesome. I am not a buddhist and knew very little about it until I found her stuff on iTunes. Anyway, I'm vibing with it. Much of what she says makes a lot of sense plus I wanted to learn more about meditation because I need to slow my hyper ass mind waaaaaaaaaay down. Even more interesting is that the meditation center she founded is right here in DC and is apparently pretty famous in spiritual circles. I'm too chicken to go there in person but who knows, maybe I will one day.

But here is the real kicker, I finally just did a more thorough google search on her and found this on her wikipedia page:

Tara Brach received a doctorate in clinical psychology from the Fielding Graduate University in Santa Barbara, California. She wrote a dissertation analyzing how individuals with eating disorders can utilize meditation as a healing technique.

How crazy is that?! I knew that I liked her talks but I had no idea why they resonated so much with me. Apparently she knows how to talk to our kind!

So weird coincidences aside, I go back to my original question;

Can you love yourself and have an eating disorder?

Is it wrong that I hope I could do both successfully? I mean, I want to love myself and be "healthy" (whatever the fuck that means) but I don't want to give up my ED behaviors. Who am I without my addictive personality and frantic mind? Is it possible to find a balance between the two that allows me to be happy some of the time and also lets me seriously restrict?

I don't know.

The fact that I'm even asking this question is surely a clear testament to my questionable mental health.

Oh well.

Thus far today only a cup of coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk (lower carbs!) and a dash of sweet 'n low.

And I'm feeling fine!

Starve on.

Blogs for lunch

First of all, let me just say that you guys are...well, you are unbelievable. Your compassion is intoxicating. I am mad only that I kept myself away hiding from you all. [Note: It is interesting how we have unlimited and unconditional support for one another yet are relentless with ourselves.]

I love you guys. Just sayin'. :)

So much has happened in the last few months that I don't even feel like going over it all except to say that my wedding was the single greatest day of my life to date. Except for the fact that I was a fat bride (the horror!) it was a perfect day. God bless my husband he actually cried when I started walking down the aisle. This man NEVER cries. It was incredibly sweet. I am so in love with that man that it scares me.

Okay, enough about the boy - I lost another 6lbs after the wedding and then at the end of July I just lost it. And I mean that I LOST IT. What started as a morning bagel (with full fat cream cheese no less!) became daily binges and full fledged gym avoidance into September. It was horrible. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I couldn't stop. I don't know how to explain what happened. It was like falling into an abyss. I started hitting myself to the point of bruising again. (I can't cut. Blood freaks me out.) I started drinking heavily every single day and of course alcohol means food which makes me feel bad which means more alcohol when means more food which...you get the idea.

I can't quite pinpoint what caused it. I think maybe after spending the last year so focused on the wedding that once the wedding was gone I had nothing to look forward to. Plus the two weeks of the wedding and following honeymoon I was drinking like a fish and eating more then I had been and I don't know....I just lost it.

So, I think I've put on at least 10lbs but I'm too horrified to weigh myself. I know that if I see a god awful number on the scale then I will get seriously depressed and eat. So, for now I have to just wait until my clothes get too lose again. I can't take seeing a number in the 180s which is where I think I am. I know. Please KILL ME.

Needless to say I'm a cow...for now.

Two weeks ago we found out that our good friends are definitely having their annual Halloween party. This is great as I love them and they throw the BEST parties. (Last year I got so drunk that I passed out in the bathroom...yeah, I know. I'm classy.) Anywho - I was a cow last year in my pirate outfit. I'm smaller then I was then but obviously still ginormous. Since the day we found out about the party I started restricting. It was easy once I knew there was an event coming up where I would be around people that I haven't seen in awhile. I am discovering that I am motivated by social events. I need to use this to my advantage more often!

Thus, in the last two weeks I've dropped some weight. I have no idea how much because I am still terrified of the scale but I know it is working because I am fasting on water only 3 days a week minimum and have been working out daily. On my non fasting days I'm keeping the cals and carbs as low as I can stand it which is usually no more then 500 cals total. On the days I've gone over on cals I've been purging. Not pretty but definitely keeping me in check. I've been a little dizzy from the low cals and jittery from the increased caffeine but for the most part I feel fan-fucking-tastic!

How in the hell did I let myself forget how good fasting feels?

I just started reading the blogs again in the last few days. I am sorry that I ever ran away. This is where I need to be. You ladies give me strength and make me feel less lonely.

I haven't eaten a damn thing today and that makes me very happy.

Fuck food. Today, I am allowing your blogs to sustain me.

Thank you guys.

Starving rocks.

*tap* *tap* *tap*...Is this thing on?

I am alive.

I am fat.

I am fasting.

And so it goes.

I have been trying to catch up on your blogs ladies. I have been gone so long and you are all so amazing that I am ashamed to even return so fat. You are all my thinspiration.

Your beauty gives me strength.

I will write a proper post soon.

In the meantime...I just wanted to say 'Thank You'. Your words are powerful.

xox
A

Blank

I simply have nothing to say.

I've been wanting to post something all week but I keep drawing a blank or thinking everything I want to write is too stupid.

I'm unable to sleep without sedatives. My mind won't stop.

15 days until the wedding.

I'm a fat mess.

I have been eating so-so. My workouts though have been awesome. They are basically keeping me sane right now.

I don't know. I guess I'm just mad at myself for being such a fat slob.
I will never forgive myself for being a fat bride.

I'm closing in on the supposed happiest day of my life and all I truly want is to disappear.

Forgive me, I'm a whiny bore today.

Oh, and it's my birthday.

I intend to get stinking fucking drunk tonight...probably on an empty stomach.
Yay Chardonnay!

Stay hungry ladies.
Always.

A compliment?

This morning my co-worker, let's call her V, stopped by to see how the wedding plans are going. She knows all about the two-dresses saga. After I updated her (dress number two, the smaller size, is fitting better and better) she just nodded and said, "I guess so. Your clothes are just hanging off of you!"

I almost kissed her! She is the first person, outside of my immediate family and friends, to comment on the weight loss.

The day is suddenly brighter.

Still fighting it

First, I really can't express how very much I appreciate the kind words and encouragement from you ladies. I find you all to be some of the most amazing, insightful, compassionate, and intelligent people I've ever come across. That is what drew me to reading all of your blogs and ultimately starting this pitiful one of my own. You guys really are something quite special. I can't say that enough.

Thanks. :)

And so...I haven't written much lately because I feel like I'm on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. My eating has been all over the place but I haven't gained so that is good. I have been working out aggressively and thus have lost a few inches from my hips, thighs, and waist. This consoles me. Nevertheless I have become so anxious about the wedding (June 27 is the big day.) that I feel like I'm crumbling around the edges of my mind.

My moods fluctuate rapidly. I am drinking more. I have had to start taking sedatives at night so that I can sleep. I can't focus at work. I'm bitchy to my fiance. It is a lot of not-good stuff.

What sucks the most is that there is no one in my life that I can talk to about this stuff. Everyone just brushes me off like I'm over-reacting or being 'dramatic'. I feel like an idiot so I shut up and keep everything inside and now I feel like my edges are fraying.

Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my fiance. He is my Yin. It's just that I am dreading this wedding. I hate my body so much that it almost trumps everything else. Gah! I don't know. I'm feeling like an idiot for even talking about it. It's my wedding for chrissake. I should just be happy.

/end whine

Anyway, I had a great workout this morning. I only brought a grapefruit to work so I'll have that for lunch. I intend to sleep through dinner.

Now, to answer PrettyWreck's brilliant SC 2009 Challenge Question 3:

Why?

Immediate Answer: Because I have to.

I just have to.

Look, I've spent my entire life...repeat: ENTIRE LIFE...fat.

I have only ever seen the world through the lens of a fat girl. And let me confirm something here and now...

IT.FUCKING.SUCKS.

Anyone who says different is a liar. Period.

Sure, there are those out there who are comfortable with their bodies at any size. Bully for them! But if they try to tell you that it doesn't matter and it doesn't affect their life they are telling a bold-faced, full-of-shit, living-in-a-fucking-fantasy-world LIE.

Now, of course there are far worse things then being fat. I acknowledge that. Nevertheless, in my life it has been the single greatest hindrance. Far more then even my race has shaped my life. (At the crux of all of this is being female but I don't even want to get into deeper thoughts on that or this post will go on forever.)

The bottom line is that I REFUSE to live my entire life as the fat girl. I will not do it. I can not do it. Being thin went from being a desire to morphing into a necessity. I have to prove this to myself. It is the sum total of a life-long list of hurdles I've overcome.

I got the college degree.
I got a good job.
I found a wonderful life partner.

Now, I have to be thin.

I'm not having kids so this pretty much feels like my last big personal challenge. It's do or die.

I have to be thin...or die trying.

Sometimes...

I hate every single cell of my being with a vicious fire of pure disgust.

Thus, this explains the day I am having today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

What had happened was...

I binged last night. It was pretty bad. My fiance has hurt his back so badly that he is off work for the week. He usually just fends for himself when it comes to food but under the circumstances I've had to prepare his dinners. It is killing me. Normally I come home and just avoid the kitchen altogether. Anyway, last night there was pasta, garlic bread, cheese....it was horrid. But! I got up this morning and took my big ass to the gym and tried to kill myself on the elliptical machine for 60 minutes. It felt great.

I brought a protein shake in case I get hungry later today.

I am not happy about the binge last night obviously but I'm feeling stronger and more resolved today. The morning workouts are doing wonders for my energy levels.

A note on my latest Ana Porn (per G.Samsa):

I am reading Fasting Girls: A History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. It is fascinating! Granted, History was one of my majors in college so I enjoy this kind of read but seriously this book is very informative if you want a sociocultural-historical perspective of anorexia. What I've found interesting is that the reasons and causes of eating disorders in women fundamentally haven't changed even as our societies and cultures have evolved the last 200 years. It is a history of mixed messages and denying women an equal voice. Bottom line: I recommend it.

I also recommend staying hungry...which I intend to do today!

I am grateful to all of you ladies for your blogs and comments. You give me strength. I hope I give you some back.

*muah* <3

Envy

This morning at the gym, there was this ana on one of the elliptical machines in front of me. Of course, I don't know for sure that she was/is ana but she was so lovely. I could see the bones of her shoulders and back through her workout shirt.

I almost cried with longing.

I want to see bones.

I want to be bones.

The Aftermath

Bachelorette Party = Calorie Madness

I am a cow.

Repeat.

I am a cow.
I am a cow.
I am a cow.
I am a cow
I am a cow.

I drank. I ate. I expanded.

Now, it is over.

I did, for no logical reason, have breakfast this morning but that is it. I am fasting until my Saturday morning weigh-in.

The weekend was great. My friends took me out and we had a fantastic time. I got ridiculously drunk. Apparently when you go out all dressed up wearing a veil and a feather boa people let in you places free and give you lots of free shots. Had I known this previously, I would have been wearing a veil out to the bar for years.

The last thing I remember on Saturday night is that they played "Dancing Queen" by Abba and I was so drunk that I thought that I was the Dancing Queen and threw my arms up and shimmied in the middle of the dance floor during the entire song. After Dancing Queen - everything is hazy. Apparently additional shots were consumed then they dragged me to the limo and took my ass home. Oh, and I may or may not have flashed someone from the limo. That detail has been hotly debated.

It was fun but thank heavens it is over.

No more food or alcohol for me.

I missed you guys. You motivate me tremendously. I was so happy to get back to reading your blogs this morning and I'm loving faz's weight loss competition. I'm signing right up!

Weight loss and eating issues did come up in discussion with a few friends and my sister on Friday night. My sister, of course, was completely dismissive and basically treated me like an idiot for talking about my drive to lose weight and the upcoming wedding in particular. It is like I am a freak for giving a damn how I look. I swear. I get so fucking sick of her dismissing things that I think are important. Whatever. I will happily be the skinny sister. She just pisses me off. I am pretty sure that she doesn't even like me. If we weren't sisters we probably wouldn't be friends.

I was incredibly happy that my friend S who lives out here in Maryland, traveled back home with me for the weekend. She was my partner in crime. I don't know what I would have done without her. We may not agree on everything but at least she doesn't treat me like an idiot.

Oh well, enough about that crap. I'm trying to get my skinny on!

From this moment until the Saturday morning weigh-in I plan on having only water and herbal tea. If I feel weak at any point I may throw in a small protein shake (max 300 cals). Also, I can't get to the gym today but tomorrow through Friday I'm getting up early to workout before I go into the office.

Stay strong. Stay hungry!

Never satisfied

Two days of fasting - done.

I haven't done two consecutive days of fasting in a long long time. I think I could go farther. I want to go farther but I have a hell of a weekend in front of me. I'm going to have a protein shake and them I'm going into the city early to hit the gym before work. After work I am heading directly to the airport and then don't return home until Monday.

One thing that I am going to miss the most this weekend is my Saturday morning weigh-in. I live for it. But I'm so OCD that I feel like I can't weigh myself this morning because it is not Saturday. That means I'll have to wait another entire week. Gah! I should just go weigh myself now. Right? I've been doing pretty good this week and following a two day fast the number has to be good right? Plus my clothes feel loose so....aw fuck it, I'm going to weigh myself....brb......


I'm down 2 more pounds from last week.

Fuck.

I have the metabolism of a worm.

I really fucking feel like it should be more. I haven't eaten anything in two goddamn days.

Well, could be worse. I could be up 2lbs.

I'm am kicking my ass at the gym this morning. This weight is NOT coming off fast enough.

Hope you all enjoy the weekend.

Stay strong. Stay hungry.

AP

Inspired by G. Samsa's post, I thought I would no longer call the books I've been reading 'ED books' and heretofore address them, per her suggestion, as "Ana Porn". :)

I have read the following in the last few weeks:

Wasted – Marya Horbacher
The Best Little Girl In the World - Steven Levenkron
Going Hungry: Writers on Desire, Self-Denial, and Overcoming Anorexia - Kate M. Taylor
Purge: Rehab Diaries - Nicole Johns
Stick Figure - Lori Gottlieb
Wintergirls - Laurie Halse Anderson

Wasted, as I'm sure you all know, is a classic. I would also strongly suggest Wintergirls, which I just finished yesterday. It was powerful. The Best Little Girl In The World was good but I could never forget that it was written by a male ED doctor. The essays in Going Hungry were interesting mostly because of the variety of voices; young,old, black, white, rich, poor. Some of the essays stuck with me and some were dreadful. Take what you will from it. As for Purge by Nichole Johns, I have mixed feelings about it. The ending left me wanting but I suppose that's how life is with an ED. Stick Figure was a surprisingly enjoyable read. The author's smart-ass personality appealed to me.

I am currently reading Running on Empty by Carrie Arnold. She's a heady combination of depression, OCD, and ana. Very self-aware and very self destructive. So far I like her a lot.

I also bought the book Thin by Lauren Greenfield. Greenfield did a documentary of the same name for HBO. I've never seen the film but the book is amazing. She is a photographer and the pictures she took of the women and girls at Renfrew just have to be seen. The book lays out their stories in their own words and although they are some of the most gut wrenching accounts of lives come undone, I find myself gazing over the images and feeling thinspired. How sick am I?

In addition I have Perfect: Anorexia & Me by Emily Halban and Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg sitting on my shelf waiting for me to read next.

I have been a bit overcome with all of the AP I'm indulging in but it absolutely enthralls me.

No way can this be normal.

Anywho - I am enjoying it and doing my part to keep Border's Books in business.

Please feel free to suggest any other good reads I should purchase or tell me if you liked/hated any of the books already listed.

As for my intake, yesterday was a successful fast day and today is a fasting day as well. So far, only water and some kombucha. There will be green tea and more water for lunch.

Starve on!

Me and ED sittin' in a tree...k.i.s.s.i.n.g

"We're going to have so much fun together." she whispered in my ear.
"We already are!" I grinned.

I feel like my ED and I are falling in love. We're at the early stage where we love everything about about each other and we want to spend all of our time together.

So last night was far from stellar. I got through the day with the green smoothie but then on the way home from work I just wanted to chew something. I don't even know why. I had one hell of an internal argument about it and decided to allow myself to eat some hummus and tabouli when I got home and one dairy-free mini ice-cream sandwich. It was about 500 cals of damage I think. Mostly because I broke down and had two of the mini ice-cream sandwiches. Yeah, I suck. Anyway the day came in around 1000 cals for which I completely hate myself.

In agreement for eating last night I am fasting today as normal and then punishing myself with another fast tomorrow. I shouldn't have eaten last night and I hate myself for it. Food is something I don't need or want.

Friday is normally my fasting day but the office is taking me to lunch to celebrate my upcoming wedding. It would be rude to not eat anything. I checked out the restaurant's menu and they have some salads that will work. Friday after work I am flying home for the party weekend and I will probably have some cocktails with the girls but am going to try not to eat anything to save up my calories for the festivities on Saturday.

Then Sunday will be hangover day and I think I can get away with not eating because I'll need to drink tons of water as I'll certainly be dehydrated from the evening before. Monday I fly back to DC and I can easily get away with fasting that day away.

I have a game plan!

Now I'm going to go get intimate with my ED...at the gym. :) My boss is out so I can sneak in a workout for lunch. Yay!

Love.You.Guys. :)

Stay hungry!

On track

So I made it through yesterday food free. Yay me!

I've already made myself a green smoothie to sip on for the day (spinach, banana, hemp protein powder, soy yogurt/milk) it's about 450 calories and watered down to make it last. If I need to, I may throw in a grapefruit when I get home from work tonight. As long as I stay under 500 calories I think I'll be fine. This alternate day fasting thing really seems to be working for me. I hope it is what is keeping my metabolism burning.

I didn't get on the treadmill last night but I did an uppper body workout and a bunch of pushups before I went to bed. My arms are atrocious and of course my wedding dress is strapless. Ugh.

This Friday I am flying home for the bachelorette party weekend with my sister and friends. I don't know exactly what the plans are but there is a limo involved and as my sister says "much booty dancin'..." lol My friends are a trip so I'm sure it will be fun. I bought a new outfit to go out in but I don't know if I will wear it. I really need to lose like 10lbs in the next 3 days to pull it off.

I know that I'll have to eat this weekend because there will be alcohol involved but I'm pretty nervous about it. First, I haven't seen my sister since last Thanksgiving and I've lost a little over 30lbs since then. She's totally going to comment on it. She will definitely notice if I'm restricting this weekend. I may be able to get away with a purge if we drink too much - I can just blame it on the alcohol! My sister is great but she is unbelievably nosey. She will be all in my business. I want to have a good time this weekend but I am not going to gain 15 lbs doing it. I refuse to let the whole weekend be a binge.

Anyway, my goal for today is to stay under 500 cals and get in a good hour on the treadmill tonight before I go to bed...maybe two.

And I want to send much love and appreciation to all of my commenters and new followers. I can't believe how much you guys motivate and inspire me. In the moments when I sometimes feel my resolve weakening, I think of you all and it helps pull me through. Thank you for that. Your support is powerful. :)

Stay hungry my skinny minnies!

"feasting on hunger itself"

"feasting on hunger itself" - Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

I'm in a very weird space. Something clicked in me yesterday. I'm not sure how to explain it.

First of all, I found another dress. It is very pretty and very similar to my current dress except that it is satin with a lovely light chiffon overlay and delicate accent beading. Unbelievably I found it on an "as is" rack for $150. It just barely fits...if I don't breathe. This is good. It will certainly allow for me to lose another 15-20lbs before the wedding. And if it appears to get a little big, it is made such that the seams can be easily taken in. I feel good about the purchase and stronger in my resolve to restrict as much as possible.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. I was like a woman possessed. I drove over 150 miles between all of the shops I visited. At the end of the day, driving home happily with my new dress I got a call from my sister. I wish I hadn't answered the phone.

Don't get me wrong. I love my sister. She is my only sibling and my best friend. There is nothing she wouldn't do for me and I trust her implicitly. Nevertheless, she does not now and has never understood me. Not even a little bit. Anytime I try to express myself or share my point of view she interprets it so personally. There are things I wish I could tell her but she could never understand.

Anyway, she called and I tried to express my anxiety about the wedding and it became this screaming match about how I'm going to be miserable at my wedding and make everyone uncomfortable - which is, of course, ridiculous. I love M and marrying him is easily the best and smartest thing I will ever do. It is just that, as I tried to explain to my sister once again, this whole wedding thing is not what I wanted at all. I don't like being the center of attention. I never wanted a big wedding. It originally started out as 30-40 close family and friends and has, at last count, become 110 people! (This is a direct result of my wonderful parents and their desire to invite everyone and everyone.)

To say that my anxiety is through the roof is an understatement. I don't think it would be possible for me to eat enough to maintain my weight between now and the wedding. To think of all of those people there watching me and my fat ass waddle down the aisle? Dear God. It is my nightmare.

I know it is unusual, at least that is what people keep telling me, but I was never the kind of girl that wanted to be a bride. We could have gone to the Justice of the Peace and I would be just as proud to be his wife. But he wants this wedding and I love him so I'm doing it. Just don't expect me to not have any anxiety about it because I sure as hell do.

And so, with the purchase of two wedding dresses and only 6 weeks to go, my appetite is gone. Gone. I haven't even taken the phentermine. I just can't, and won't, be eating for the next 6 weeks any more then I will need to function at work and workout. I have a few occasions that I will be forced to eat for work and my birthday celebration in mid june but other than that I'm done with food. Done.

Sorry for the long post but I do want to answer PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge Question:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?

1. I love feeling hungry. Love it. Love it. Love it! It is exhilarating. I am addicted to it.

2. The more weight I lose, the bigger I feel. It is the strangest thing. I really don't understand it. At my biggest ever I weighed (gasp!) 265lbs. Yeah. I know. It's just too sick to even think about. The strange thing is that I don't remember feeling so big when I was that huge. But now, with every pound I drop and every size smaller, I feel bigger and bigger. Like I'm taking up an enormous amount of space. I don't quite get it. I have serious body issues as I suppose we all do huh?

3. I don't like food. I am not sure that I have ever liked food. I think I was always focused on the act of eating. I used it as an activity to take up time or to try and fill up an inner emptiness but I don't think I have ever really liked food. I appreciate some flavors and textures but I don't really enjoy them. I experience food as weight on my tongue or mass in my throat or stomach. Taste is not a sense that I have ever paid much attention to. It has been very strange to realize that I don't like food and it is strange to try and understand why I consumed so much of it for so very long. What does that mean? How do I deal with that?

Anyway, today is a fasting day. I feel better empty. I feel right with nothing. I am "feasting on hunger itself" and I think it suits me. :)

I hope you all are doing well.

Be strong and stay hungry.

You will NOT believe this shit...

Ladies, first of all - I love you guys. Thank you for your great comments and support.

Now, please note that I am officially FREAKING OUT.

Get this shit....

Yesterday, I workout like a fiend, starve myself until the dress fitting so I'm feeling good; all is well. Now you must note that I haven't tried the dress on in over 6 weeks. When I tried it on at that time my Mom was in town and even she said "just lose 10 more pounds". I was already planning to lose more then that so no biggie.

We get to the seamstress yesterday, I try the dress on and they lace the corset backing up as tight as it will go and I'm comfortably in it!

I panic. Yes, PANIC.

Do you realize what this means? Do you?

It means that my dress, right now, fits perfectly.

This.Is.Bad.

Very bad.

The seamstress and my planner tell me that I "must not lose another pound".

Get that?

They tell me to "stop losing weight".

W.T.F???????????????

Impossible!
Inconceivable!
No way. No how. NEVER.

So I start freaking out. Right then. I ask if they can take the dress in. But because of the way the dress is made, that is not an option. Not a fucking option!!!

I WILL lose another 15-20lbs before this wedding. Period. That shit is happening.

So I am now facing the reality of my dress not fitting properly.

Unacceptable!!

So I said fuck it.

Know what I am doing today??

Going wedding dress shopping. Yeah, I said it.

I'm buying another, smaller, dress. This is my wedding day and I'm going to weigh the least I possibly can. And I will have a dress that fits.

My fiance is not happy with me and thinks I'm nuts.
I'm just pulling out the credit card.

I probably am crazy but dammit...I am losing more weight and I will wear a dress that fits.

I can't even believe this is happening. I should have bought the damn dress in a smaller size to begin with. And I love the dress. It was not cheap. But too bad.

Bride-zilla is here.

Wish me luck! And stay hungry!!

Happy...but not enough

So I'm down another 3lbs. Good.

But it would have been more if I'd worked out like I should have this week. I'm glad with the weight drop but mad at myself for settling for anything less than my best.

I have got to get moving a hell of a lot more.

My schedule is crazy but I can fit in more exercise. I will fit in more exercise. It could have been a 5lb drop this week if I wasn't such a lazy ass.

Well, I am taking a minute to be thankful for being down 3 more pounds and then I'm putting on my workout gear and kicking my ass.

I am feeling so motivated it's crazy.

I'm finished being fat.

Bring on the skinny!!

Love you guys. Stay hungry.

ED 101

So I was sitting here at work feeling blah and fat. Like a big fat fatty blah blah.

So I googled “weight loss motivation” and was directed to these nuggets ‘o wisdom from about.com.

Okay, sure. This is reasonable stuff but so obviously not what I needed. Thus I have amended it more to my liking ….(drum roll please)…..

ED 101

Sometimes we realize we are a total fat fuck and decide to do something about the obscene circumference of our thunder thighs. We start restricting/fasting/purging but we aren’t losing weight fast enough. We fail at a fast. We eat junk so then we must throw up our lunch. We eat more calories then we would like. Maybe it's from outside pressure; sometimes our friends want to go out drinking (empty calories and drunk binges). Maybe you are forced to eat with your family or hear the sweet song of your favorite food calling out from the refrigerator. Whatever the cause, it sucks.

That doesn't mean you're destined for failure. Even if you've started and stopped 100 times before, this time doesn't have to end the same way.

By putting some important skills to use, you will find it a little easier to stop stuffing your trap with crap and to stick to your ED behaviors.

Skill One: Stop Fucking Eating Like a Cow

One of the best ways to stay motivated throughout your weight loss journey is to stop fucking eating like a cow. Shoving large quantities of food in your mouth is gross and will make your fat ass even fatter. Can you really afford any additional calories??

By starving yourself and/or restricting calories you will lose weight and be thin. If you continue to eat like a cow then you will deserve to look like a cow.

Your day is a success only if the scale numbers move down.

Skill Two: Every Calorie Must be Counted

You must count every single calorie consumed. If you are unsure of the number of calories in something - round up to a higher number then you think. If you ate too many calories one day then you should punish yourself with fasting or restriction the following day. If you binge then you must purge and/or use laxies.

Fewer calories over time = great weight loss.

Count calories or be a cow. The choice is yours.

Skill Three: Identify your Thinspiration

Whether it is pictures of your favorite celebs, skinny models, an upcoming special event, or to gain the attention of someone, it is important that you identify and motivate yourself with Thinspiration. Collect photos that motivate you or buy the outfit you want to wear in a smaller size so that you know you have to starve to wear it.

To achieve long-term ED success, you will have to come face-to-face with your fat habits by asking some important questions:

How will you ever wear size 0 if you keep eating?
Do you want to be “normal” and fat like most people?
What the fuck are you doing even looking at that pizza?

Berating yourself and triggering your ED is the way to get thin. Without that, you will always be a fat pig.

Skill Four: Avoid Eating Whenever Possible

There will always be friends that want to meet for lunch or required meals with your family. You may lose weight and people will try to encourage you to eat unnecessarily. You must avoid these situations whenever possible or at the very least be prepared with plausible excuses.

“I’ve already ate.”
“I’m allergic to ______.”
“I’m vegan.”

Use anything you can think of to avoid eating. Food is the enemy and must be conquered. Being thin is the most important thing. Period.

Skill Five: Remember, Think Thin!

If you aren’t thin. You aren’t shit.

‘Nuff said.


When motivation to stick to your ED is wavering and a good long look in the mirror at your fat thighs and stomach doesn't do the trick, think about the skills listed above, get off your fat ass and go to the fucking gym…or at least do some crunches for crissake.

You’re a cow.

Don’t eat.

Stay hungry…always.

There was an incident.

Yeah so um...there was an incident last night.

PrettyWreck - I think you were right on the money about mixing the phen with sleeping pills! I wish I had read your comment earlier. No good has come of it at all.

So last night I took a sleeping pill and still felt restless. Next thing I know, I'm in the kitchen with a bowl of red pepper hummus, some tabouli, and several handfuls of corn chips.

UGH.

I woke up this morning still tasting salt on my lips.

Soooooo not cool.

I didn't drink all of my green smoothie yesterday and guestimating the calories from "the incident" I'm putting yesterday over 1000 cals. Maybe as high as 1500?

Please.Kill.Me.

Oh well, so far this morning I've had several laxatives for breakfast. Yummmmmm. :)

I have a dress fitting at 3pm tomorrow. I refuse to eat until afterward. Also tomorrow morning is my weigh in and I need to see a lower number. Please, oh please, oh please, oh please. I mean, I feel like I've lost weight this week. I actually put on a skirt this morning for work and realized that it is too big and I looked ridiculous. Yay!! I can't wait until my clothes are falling off of me and I am forced to buy new suits for work. The good thing is that most of my business suits for work are cut pretty conservatively and I can probably wear them for awhile before I look too silly.

Okay I have to start working or my boss will kill me.

I am so grateful for you guys. *muah*

Stay strong and stay hungry...always.

Insomnia meets grapefruit

So I took a sleeping pill last night because the damn phen gives me insomnia. But then I still couldn't sleep. It was driving me nuts. I was feeling hungry and the longer I was awake the more I wanted to just go down to the kitchen and binge. It was pissing me off. So M comes upstairs and was surprised to find me still awake. I felt like I was going nuts and I really wanted to eat something. I finally went downstairs but I did restrain myself and juiced just one grapefruit. It was a big ruby red one. So sweet and delicious! I'm guessing maybe 150 calories maximum.

That's not so bad right??

I still feel like shit because I broke my fast early. I wasn't supposed to have anything but water yesterday.

I suck.

Anyway, I feel asleep about an hour after I drank the juice.

Well, what's done is done. Today is a new day and it's a 500 cal day. I sliced up a whole cantaloupe to take into work (200 cal) and I made a green smoothie with kale, banana, and strawberries (approx 400 cal). So that's a little over the 500 cal mark but I probably won't drink all of the smoothie. I water it down so it makes a lot.

I hate my fucking fat life. I hate that there are people out there that can eat anything they fucking want and never gain weight. M is like that. He lives on fucking coca-cola and potato chips and stays slim. wtf? I just rub potato chips on my thighs because that's where they are going anyway.

I am going to starve this disgusting fat off of me if it is the last thing that I do. I swear it.

On a happier note, you ladies rock. :) And thanks Tri Thin for the compliment on the dress. I love it and it's great because the back of it is corset laced and can be fit perfectly to my shape. Oh, and I read the book Purged yesterday. It was sad but there was so much in it that I could relate to. I'm starting Stick Figure today.

Okay, I've got to run to the shower or I'll be late to work.

Stay hungry!

Empty Wednesday

You ladies are the best. I can't state that enough. I've never come across a stronger and more supportive group. You keep me going. Thank you. <3

So yesterday was good, only the green smoothie. Today is another fasting day and I'm ready for it! Bring it on bitches!!

You may be wondering about my weight during the week but I only weigh myself weekly; first thing Saturday morning. I've tried the weigh myself everyday thing and it drove me to lunacy. Plus we have a fantastic clinical scale here at home, you know one of the tall metal ones like you would see in the gym or at your doctor's office with the movable weights. It is very accurate and because M rarely weighs himself I can just leave it sitting at my weight week to week. It is good because I can step on it and immediately tell if I have to adjust it upward to down. Moving the weigh down is the best feeling EVER. I am hoping to drop that baby several pounds this coming Saturday morning.

I have a lot of thinspiration coming up too. This Saturday morning I have a dress fitting. YIKE. And next weekend I am flying home to Michigan for my bachelorette party which is sure to be great! I even bought myself an outfit for the party that requires a 10lbs loss by then. So who is not eating? ME!

Alternate day fasting feels pretty good thus far. I am not hungry at all this morning. And yesterday sipping on the smoothie all day was no problem. Because of my commute I get home from work after 7pm and I skipped my workout and went straight to bed (I get up at 4:30am) which was good because you can't sneak to the kitchen if you are asleep right?? I hate to skip the after work exercise but I was too afraid that I would end up in the kitchen so I just went to bed.

Oh! And I've been reading a bunch of ED books. I read Wasted and The Best Little Girl in the World last week. I finished a collection of essays on ED titled Going Hungry yesterday. And today I am starting Purge. I have a lot of thoughts to share on these but I'll have to do it later because I need to get my fat ass in the shower. Do any of you read any ED books? I find them interesting and motivating. Is that completely sick or what?

Stay stong and stay hungry girls...always.

Oh, and if you are interested, here is a picture of my wedding dress!

Summer Challenge 2009

Okay...I'm totally late and probably not doing this right. You see, I am far to embarrassed to tell you all exactly how old and fat I am. It's just too much to bear. Nevertheless, I am participating in PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge 2009.

Age: 30-something (I stopped counting)
Current Weight: 185 (please kill me now.)
Goal Weight Loss: 135 (by Aug 10th)
Personal Goal: To go on at least 5 long hikes (20+ miles) this summer.
Biggest Challenges: To stay motivated in the face of my impatience. I want to be thin NOW.

My week has been good so far. Yesterday was a fasting day. Only water, herbal teas and 3 small altoids. Total calories 1.5. (Yes!) This morning I made a green smoothie with kale, bananas, flaxseed meal, and maca for a total of 457 calories. I watered it down and will sip on it all day at work. Then nothing tonight when I get home.

Work has been crazy. There is a bunch going on in DC as always.

I just wanted you ladies to know that I'm alive and I'm in it to thin it!

Stay strong and stay hungry...always.

Weekend?...I don't need no stinkin' weekend.

I am empty. It is good.

I wish I could just ride this feeling through the day but alas the weekend is upon me and social obligations must be fulfilled. It is my friend S's birthday and when she and I get together the margaritas flow like water. It's ridiculous. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and suggested some other (read: low cal) drink option but she wouldn't go for it. Margaritas and mexican food in general are our thing and it sucks. I swear that I can feel my thighs swell just thinking about it.

And of course I happily accepted more free avocadoes from the office yesterday because S loves them like I do and I promised to make her some authentic guac for the festivities tonight.

Margaritas and Guacamole = Calorie City.

I feel like I should stay home to exercise, read, and enjoy the emptiness. But I can't. My fiance and her boyfriend are best friends and they have all kinds of boy stuff planned for today. (Something to do with four wheelers and some Xbox live.)

The phen is working well and if I can keep my alcohol consumption in check then I will be okay. On the other hand, I am thinking that I should enjoy myself tonight and make tomorrow a fasting day. Actually, I am thinking about doing a regular alternate day fasting plan. Do you think that would work?

Monday - Fast
Tuesday - Eat (500 cal)
Wednesay - Fast
Thursday - Eat (500 cal)
Friday - Fast
Saturday - Eat (max 1000 cal to keep my metabolism going)
Sunday - Eat (500 cal)

What do you think? Would that work? I would be fasting 3 days a week which is doable. Or I could make Sunday a fasting day too but I'm worried about my metabolism slowing down. I need to lose this weight at a good clip. The wedding is June 27th. (Yikes!)

I'd love your input ladies. So please let me know that you think of the alternate day fasting plan.

Okay - I'm going to workout and do some cleaning.

Stay strong. Stay hungry.

On Fat and Goals

[PrettyWreck - thanks for the words of wisdom. They are so true. I feel so alive when I deny myself. Exercising control over oneself feels...intoxicating. And yes, phentermine is the doctor prescribed diet pill. I live near a doctor that is one of its greatest advocates. He has no problem doling it out. It does come with some side effects (dry mouth and insomnia plague me) but it KILLS your appetite so I'll pay any monetary and physical price to get my hands on it. I have an appointment on the 29th to get a refill! Yay! :) ]

All of you women rock. You inspire me so much. You have no idea.

Now onto the topic of this post:

I have always been fat.

Always.

Seriously.

I have no memory of ever being thin. Hell, I have no adult memory of being smaller then a size 14 fer crissake! Thus, I am not like most fat women I know who were once thin and then gained weight due to pregnancy or age or something like that.

I was always fat. In third grade my bra size was a 36C. No shit. It was crazy. I seriously overdeveloped at a very young age. At age 8 I looked like a 16 year old. It was freaky.

I'm built like the quintessential black woman; big boobs, small waist, thunder thighs, and fat ass. All but a few of the women from my mother's side of the family (whom I most resemble) are obese. I have only one "skinny" Aunt and it is known that she is bulimic. She's probably ana as well but I don't know for sure. The crazy thing is that she is like a size 8/10 and considered "skinny" by my Mom's family. lololol How insane in that?

I weighed 235lbs when I graduated from high school. HORRIFYING. But back then I didn't care.

I grew up around almost no other black people. I had lots of friends but I was the fat friend and being black just made me a novelty. I didn't have a single date until the end of my senior year and that was with a black guy from another school district. As a matter of fact, it was because of the lack of dating prospects that I ate all through high school. I figured why even bother to pretend like it was going to make a difference what size I was. Most of my best friends in high school were guys and most were just close to me because my girl friends were all thin and pretty. Thin girls love to hang out with the fat friend. Cute guys always make friends with the fat girl to get close to her skinny friends. That was my life for a long time.

And then college started and I discovered that people would actually date me. I mean, I had been told all my life that I had "a pretty face". God how I HATED that. "Oh, you have such a pretty FACE." Emphasis on 'face'. My body was/is disgusting.

So college came and I found a shocking number of men that loved a pretty face and thunder thighs. WTF? I hated myself more and more.

Yada, yada, yada (lots of drugs, sex, and madness later)....here I am a grown woman that has never experienced being thin.

But that, my friends, is about to dramatically change.

5 years ago I lost 60lbs and have kept off 45 of it permanently. But I am still a fucking cow and I hate myself for being so lazy. Especially when I work in a world where I am easily the fattest woman I know. It is truly only my attitude and displays of confidence that have got me the little success that I do have.

I am getting married next month to the most amazing man. He loves my fat ass. God bless him. Yet, in the most unexpected way, a NEED to be thin has awoke in me because I am with him. I think that now that I've found the love of my life I am freed from worrying about relationships and I can devote time to me. Isn't that strange?

My fiance, let's call him 'M', is not a needy guy. He lets me flit around him at will. If I need lots of attention, he gives it to me. If I tell him to go away because I'm cranky, he goes. Occasionally I probably hurt his feelings and he will often just look at me and say "Woman!" with playful authority to get me to shut up and listen. We work very well together. But I digress...

I have always dieted but I never really held a goal. I just wanted to lose weight. I never wanted to be a certain size. Isn't that strange? I was pretending to be content being a lazy fat slob. Gah! I realize now that by not desiring to reach a goal that I was constantly sabotaging my few weight loss successes.

Anyway, this post is getting ridiculously long (Sorry!!) and I still have million things I want to share but I'll save them for another time.

Bottom line - I now have goals that I WILL reach....or starve trying. ;)

GW1 - 130lbs
GW2 - 120lbs
UG - 110lbs

Today is a fasting day. So far lots of water (0 cal), some herbal ginger tea (0 cal), and 1 small altoid (.5 cal).

Stay hungry ladies....always.