17 November 2009

The road to hell.

Every morning I get up with a head full of good intentions.

Today, I will eat responsibility or fast successfully.
Today, I will shine light on my shadows and see myself as I am…and love me anyway.
Today, I will get to the gym and energize my body with movement.
Today, I will clean out my over-flowing in box at work.
Today, I will not drink alcohol.
Today, I will...

Who the fuck am I kidding??

Whoever said “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” was damn right.

I can’t seem to get the b/p under control. Some days are better then others but I am purging every day and the last few days have ended with some out of control binges. I feel horrible. I feel lonely. I feel tired and bloated and generally sad.

My life is far from terrible but I feel like I’m falling to an emotional abyss. I am terrified to tell anyone in my life what is really going on with me. I fear anyone seeing the real fucked up person that I am. I’m pretty convinced they will all leave me alone and fat anyway.

Pitiful huh?

C’est ma vie.

Well, I’ve taken a few laxies this afternoon and hopefully that will help with the bloat and I’m going to do a saltwater flush tomorrow to keep things moving. I am also going to go to the gym tonight after work to try to kick my ass both figuratively and literally.

This never ends does it?
Has anyone in the history of the world ever “won” this game??

Gah. I already want a drink.

Sorry for this bitchy post ladies. I just had to get this off of my chest.



  1. let it all out!
    Like Monica said..."its just one of them days..that a girl goes through"

  2. I know exactly how you feel... :(
    Hang in there... there was this one day though, that i restricted all day... then had a lot of wine... man, THAT was a good day.. I was drunk so fast from being completely empty... Then again.. that's just as bad as B/P in a sense..
    WTF is wrong with us anyways? I dunno, but we can row the boat together...
    Sometimes I want to say "SOMEBODY let me OFF this ride" but then, when I look at the one in control.. it's me....
    Mia's a bitch some days... She found me even after hiding for 7 years.. AK...

  3. you can do it!

    hehe cliche but so appropriate.

    I am fairly certain no one ever wins, though, you either give up, you don't, or you become perfect and spend the rest of your life either a) remembering how awesome you were, or b) trying to get back there some how, c) both.

    stay strong go exercise!

  4. I know exactly how you feel I've been going through this same exact cycle for a couple of mths now...it sucks! Good Luck and be strong!

  5. dont worry it will pass. just stay strong ... keeping away from alcohol helps :)

  6. Goodness, that quote is so true and relevant.

    I wish to tell you not to feel lonely but I suppose that is sort of impossible. It is such a lonely place that we are in, but I can only hope my positive thoughts can still reach you somehow.

    We all have bad days but don't forget you've been doing well, try to remember the positives... such as how you've been kicking ass at the gym :)

    Hope you'll feel less bloated soon. keeping you in my thoughts.


  7. You are so not alone. That's the good thing about this blog world. You don't have to pretend and even still there are people who understand exactly how you feel. Hang in there.

  8. Together we can do this!
    Stay strong

  9. No, you can't win. But you can stave off defeat indefinitely.

    Stay strong!