06 May 2011

Of kindness

My deep gratitude to you all for the kind and thoughtful comments on my last post.
You ladies are something special.  Thank you.

Q's sister has stabilized a bit.  They've brought her blood pressure back up with medication but she is on dialysis until (and if) her kidneys start working again.  She has two young sons that just want their Mom home for Mother's Day.  It's heartbreaking.

On a completely selfish note, my skirts are falling off of me.  So there's that I guess.

Keep those candles lit.


05 May 2011


My friend's (she was my bridesmaid) only sister is dying from pancreatic cancer.

I don't know what to say or do for her.  I'm so terrible with this kind of thing.
I feel so ashamed for my selfish focus when a wonderful young wife and mother is battling for her life.

I am not a religious person.
At most I'd describe myself as a cynical-leaning idealist.  (horrible combination really)

Alas, if I believed in prayer - I'd be on my knees right now.

I'm simply not very hungry these days, physically or emotionally.


28 April 2011

I'm good

The fasting week has gone really well.

Work, however, has been a madhouse!

Just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I'm feeling good and feeling slimmer!  :)


25 April 2011

He suggested we fast!


My husband suggested that we fast together this week!!!

I almost screamed with joy.  :)

Ok, here's what happened.  You should know that M is one of those naturally athletic kind of guys.  He's always been slim and muscular even when living on a diet of coca-cola and potato chips.  He is one of those people with a naturally high metabolism and low body fat.  It's sickening!  Anyway, in the last year he has noticed a little bit of a tummy coming on him (the perils of getting older!) and he doesn't like it.  He's not really the gym type so when he wants to lose a few pounds he just drops his calories.

So last week he had to get a cavity filled and his mouth hurt so he didn't eat solid food for a couple of days.  He lost a couple of pounds and when he mentioned it to me I did suggest that he at least drink protein shakes so that his high metabolism doesn't eat up his lean muscle mass.  He liked that idea.  I told him that I was thinking of doing a few days on protein shakes to get things moving along with my diet and then he turned and said the most beautiful sentence to me....

"How about I join you and we have just protein shakes next week?"

A liquid only fast with my husband next week??
Why thank you, I think I will!

There was already some good protein powder in the house and I went and bought the rest of the supplies for the week yesterday.  I can't believe it!  Liquids only for a whole week and hubby is on board!!  I don't have to worry about cooking anything for him and can avoid all the solid food in the house without getting any weird looks.

I made a big low-carb shake this morning with unsweetened vanilla almond milk (approximately 250 cals) and  I don't plan to eat anything else today!  If I am too hungry at bedtime tonight then I may make a small protein shake before bed.

This is going to be the best week ever!!

Good luck to all.


22 April 2011

Strength via Fear?

I don't have to go to the office.  Yay!  My boss, bless her heart, is letting me work from home this morning since the office closes at noon today and I have a ridiculous commute.  It takes me almost 2 hours ONE WAY to get to work.  My commute is without a doubt the bane of my existence.  Thankfully my boss spared me the four hour round-trip commute for the 3.5 hours of office time I would have had.  She has a good heart and I'm damn lucky to work for her.

Nevertheless I really want to bail on my email this morning and instead head to the gym to kick my own ass with a couple of spin classes.  Work is a pain.  Instead I will wait until noon once the office is closed... but it is killing me!  Several hours at the gym is what I crave.  I should still be able to slip in a cardio class or two before M gets home this afternoon. 

I'm excited and nervous about working out.  You would not believe how long it has been since I've been to the gym.  I used to live there!  I was a reliable fixture every morning.  Now I'll be returning with my head down wearing fat sweatpants and "the t-shirt of shame".  Oof.  There really is no one to blame but me for this impending embarrassment.

I deserve to feel this way.
What the hell happened to me last year?
Who was that masked man?!
Gah, I'm so terrified that I will run into someone I know.

I'm fat.


My fear of the gym is matched only by my panic at the thought of facing the scale right now.  I still haven't found the strength to step on that dreaded monster.  My dread of seeing a high number is keeping my eating in check though.  Fear can be a great motivator!  I came in under 1000 calories yesterday.  Still too much but a vast improvement from where I was just a few weeks ago.  I feel so much stronger and happier, like I'm waking up from a bad dream.  Empowered.  M noted my upbeat mood last night but attributed it to the lovely weather we've had this week.  I didn't bother to correct him but I know the truth...

I am in control again.



Of course life will always have its ups and downs; its good days and bad days, but I am going to try and remember how much better the world looks through this lens. 

Control feels better than any food could ever taste.

Annnnnnd on that note - I wish you all a lovely weekend!

Stay strong ladies.

20 April 2011

She shoots, she....?

I've never once hit my goal weight.
And I've been dieting off and on forever.
My first serious diet experience was at 15.
I was so disgustingly fat at that age that my Mom just took me to a place called The Diet Workshop and signed me up.  They put me on a diet of 500 calories a day immediately.  I don't even think they have places that put you on really low calorie diets like that anymore!
Anyway - I lost like 13lbs in the first week! Oh - I was a TOTAL COW at 15.  Seriously, like over 200lbs!!!!
I was a walking atrocity.
Totally craziness.
I can hardly believe that I lived through my teens.

Even then I had a goal and I lost a bunch of weight but never hit my goal.
I still haven't to this day which is just so sad really.
I'm a grown woman and still fighting this battle.

I've been on every diet in the world but honestly I was most successful when I lost myself in restricting and fasting.  I guess that's why I am heading back down this road...but definitely avoiding that repulsive bitch mia this time.  I hate mia.

I refuse to let another year pass having not met my goal.
I'm just so damned tired of being fat and even more tired of letting myself down.

I do feel good today though!  I can tell that I'm losing weight.  I feel it.  The sense of control is sooooooooo loverly!  I am contemplating getting on the scale this weekend.  Maybe.
I am dying to know the number but I can't face the number I've gained.
Maybe I'll just get through this month with some serious restricting and weigh myself for the first time on May 1st.
yeah, that's it!
May 1st.
I wish like hell that I could lose 20lbs by then.

Don't eat!


*UPDATE*  Per Kitty's question below my ultimate goal weight is 120.  I'm 5'3" and told I have a "large frame"....FML.

19 April 2011

Regaining Control

I am not exactly sure that I understand what happened over the past year.  I felt unbelievably dissatisfied with my life. Not what I would define as unhappy but definitely not happy. I felt restless and often miserable.  I went to see a doctor and was assessed with ADD and prescribed Vyvanse.  Though the Vyvanse helps my ADD I definitely have a history of abusing stimulants which I, of course, failed to mention to my doc.  hmmm.....

I'm rambling.  I don't know what point I want to make about the last year except that I completely threw away my control over food and many other things in my life.  It was weird.  I can't figure out what made me feel such despair.  My husband is awesome, my family is healthy and happy, and my job is a blessing.  Am I just nutty?

I feel like I don't deserve anything I have.

These last few weeks have felt like I am entering the shallow end of a warm pool.  I'm walking in comfortably but with each step I realize I'm heading for the deep end...and I feel almost giddy even though I know I could drown.

I sooooo have issues.

I feel stronger though.  My control is returning and frankly this is the happiest I've felt in AGES!  I know I'm heading toward the deep end but I wonder if I can just stop when the water gets up to my neck.

Maybe I can.
But maybe I won't want to.


18 April 2011

I remember this feeling.

Hello lovely ladies! (And of course I remember you Peri!!  :)  I'm going to head over and do my best to catch up on your blog.)

The weekend was good.  Survived mostly on green smoothies except for a small bowl of brown rice and beef last night for dinner with M.  I kept my appetite down with a couple of 'extra' doses of my ADD meds.  Those things are GREAT for killing my appetite if I take a little extra.  I know that's not the best thing to do but I needed to get through this first weekend.  And I did it!  I'm pretty proud of myself considering my habits of the last year in particular.

Thus far today:
B - 250cals Green Smoothie w/kale, spinach, low cal OJ, frozen fruit mix
L - 100cals  Thai Chicken Soup
Snack - 100cals  Baby carrots/handful of M&Ms
plus lots of water and green tea.

M & I will probably eat the beef and rice leftovers and I may make some lima beans. (I LOVE lima beans!)  I'm pretty sure I can get through the day under 1000 cals.

I still haven't weighed myself.
I'm seriously terrified.

I'm fat.


15 April 2011

Once more, with feeling!

Exhibit A:  My fat ass.
Exhibit B:  My blog.
Exhibit C: My empty bank account.

Verdict:  The defendant is hereby remanded to the EDNOS Online Penitary until she is no longer a fattie.  There will be no consideration for time served.

Sooooooo yeah, I'm here. Once again.  Fat and ashamed mostly-  yet oddly excited and energized.
Surely signs of my sickness but whatevs.

The good news is I am still married to a wonderful and ridiculously sexy man that has put up with my weight gain and irrational mood swings.  I truly do not know what I ever did to deserve him.

The bad news is that I have put on at least 20lbs over the last year.  I don't know the number for sure because I simply cannot bear to get on the scale.  Nevertheless the fact that I hardly have any clothing that fits tells the tale quite clearly.

The worse news is that I am broke.  Yes, I am married and he makes a very good living but I am still stubbornly independent when it comes to money.  We split things and I never ask him to pay any of my personal bills or expenses.  Last year I played a little fast and lose with my funds and went out a lot, bought a ton of shoes (craziness!), and took him on two vacations that I honestly could not afford.  The tax bill just came in and we're on the hook for several thousand dollars which is my responsibility to pay.  (He pays the big bills like the mortgage plus takes care of our savings AND his union contract is up in August so they may go on strike....ugh!  I'll cover all that in a later post for those interested.)

Anywhooooo....It basically leaves me broke.  Seriously.  Like I have a couple hundred bucks to live on a month for probably the remainder of the year.

The good news - no $$ means no lunches with the fat babes at the office and no funds for happy hour binges with the girls.  :)

The bad news - no more shoes!  :(  :(  :(

I have been perusing the blogs and so much has changed and so many have moved on.  I am incredibly embarrassed to return at all but I need some strength to lose this weight (and some).
Plus, you guys are a lovely lot.  I look forward to becoming reacquainted!

Today (plan):
8 fish oil pills - 81 cals
Baby carrots and low sodium tomato soup (lunch) = 250
Green smoothie - kale, OJ, strawberries (dinner) = 300
unlimited water and green tea

I can't get these thunder thighs to the gym today but I plan on exhausting myself on an elliptical machine first thing tomorrow morning.