I am only now beginning to fully realize the extent of this disorder's power.
I did something today that disgusts me so deeply. I am horrified to even tell you about it because the behavior shocks me.
I will simply confess that I binged and purged at work today for the first time. I know that I must smell of it. There is proof of it in the trash can under my desk. I know that my frequent trips to the bathroom were notable.
I feel deeply and incredibly ashamed.
I have been trying to view my thoughts and behaviors through some lens of acceptance but it is challenging.
When did I become this wretched and retching thing?
How do I make it all stop? And more honestly, do I really want it all to stop??
I am humbled by the power of this disorder.
Yet I remain ever hopeful that it is a force I will find a way to either defeat or co-exist with in resignation.
It has not yet beat me, though today it fought and won a most impressive battle.
“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
I am going home tonight and straight to bed.
I am ready for a new day to arrive.
(Have I mentioned how very much much I love you all? xox)