I am only now beginning to fully realize the extent of this disorder's power.
I did something today that disgusts me so deeply. I am horrified to even tell you about it because the behavior shocks me.
I will simply confess that I binged and purged at work today for the first time. I know that I must smell of it. There is proof of it in the trash can under my desk. I know that my frequent trips to the bathroom were notable.
I feel deeply and incredibly ashamed.
And yet...
I.Could.Not.Help.Myself.
I have been trying to view my thoughts and behaviors through some lens of acceptance but it is challenging.
When did I become this wretched and retching thing?
How do I make it all stop? And more honestly, do I really want it all to stop??
I am humbled by the power of this disorder.
Yet I remain ever hopeful that it is a force I will find a way to either defeat or co-exist with in resignation.
It has not yet beat me, though today it fought and won a most impressive battle.
“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
I am going home tonight and straight to bed.
I am ready for a new day to arrive.
(Have I mentioned how very much much I love you all? xox)
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my journey to thin
I completely understand I've done things like that recently that I've never done before. I was on set for a music video for work and oh the craft table...full of so many delicious untouchables. I also binged and purged in the workplace...surrounded by gorgeous music video girls. There were private bathrooms and I waited till filming started before I would go.
ReplyDeleteOprah said something one time on her show when she addressed her recent weight gain. It really stuck with me (actually I even took notes during this episode haha!). She said, "This is a problem in your life that is probably going to be a problem in your life for the duration of your life. Your results are simply about how you manage that problem. There is no, "I beat it. It's over." I thought this was so insightful and helpful. Instead of spending so much energy analyzing this problem and trying to conquer it or fight it, which can make us feel out of control or tempted to do things like b/p at work, it feels okay to accept it and coexist with it as you said. Accepting that we have EDs and learning to live our best life with them and managing them may start to relieve us of some pain, and may even help to curb extreme behaviors (god I sound like the big O right now ha). Obviously Oprah wasn't talking about her bulimia or anorexia, but she was talking about her weight problems, and hearing what she said really resinated with me. I hope this gives you some insight too darling!
ReplyDeleteLOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE!!!! kk
We love you too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I certainly understand.
x
aw honey i know about could not help my self the first time i purged in school i couldnt believe the madness then it become an unfortunate normalicy i tend to go threw like phases of crazy bulmia and ocassional bulmia when crazy i have thrown up work,school,toilets in the shopping centre, toilets in tesco, cinema you name it ive puked there down to the mental hospital where i go for therepy !
ReplyDeletedont let it beat you i love your attitude to the whole thing your strong the new day will be better
xx love you back :)
wow....its true the measures we go too are horrible at times. However it fulfills our addiction. Its so hard to let go of a life long habbit
ReplyDeleteActually, I do most of my b/p'ing at work, because work is the place where I have access to unsafe food. (I don't keep stuff I'm likely to binge on at home.) I simply choose not to think about the less pleasant aspects -- getting rid of the crap I can't seem to resist eating is far more important. And I always feel so much better afterwards.
ReplyDeleteThe state of denial in which I am living is kind of impressive. I choose not to think about that either.
know what you mean when you say, do i really want it to stop. its like, we both want to stop and we dont. its addictive and we feel great when we are losing, we feel somewhat superior. stopping means becoming normal, just like everybody else. argh and yes b/p at work ... done that a few times myself too. oh well.
ReplyDelete