13 October 2009

Blogs for lunch

First of all, let me just say that you guys are...well, you are unbelievable. Your compassion is intoxicating. I am mad only that I kept myself away hiding from you all. [Note: It is interesting how we have unlimited and unconditional support for one another yet are relentless with ourselves.]

I love you guys. Just sayin'. :)

So much has happened in the last few months that I don't even feel like going over it all except to say that my wedding was the single greatest day of my life to date. Except for the fact that I was a fat bride (the horror!) it was a perfect day. God bless my husband he actually cried when I started walking down the aisle. This man NEVER cries. It was incredibly sweet. I am so in love with that man that it scares me.

Okay, enough about the boy - I lost another 6lbs after the wedding and then at the end of July I just lost it. And I mean that I LOST IT. What started as a morning bagel (with full fat cream cheese no less!) became daily binges and full fledged gym avoidance into September. It was horrible. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I couldn't stop. I don't know how to explain what happened. It was like falling into an abyss. I started hitting myself to the point of bruising again. (I can't cut. Blood freaks me out.) I started drinking heavily every single day and of course alcohol means food which makes me feel bad which means more alcohol when means more food which...you get the idea.

I can't quite pinpoint what caused it. I think maybe after spending the last year so focused on the wedding that once the wedding was gone I had nothing to look forward to. Plus the two weeks of the wedding and following honeymoon I was drinking like a fish and eating more then I had been and I don't know....I just lost it.

So, I think I've put on at least 10lbs but I'm too horrified to weigh myself. I know that if I see a god awful number on the scale then I will get seriously depressed and eat. So, for now I have to just wait until my clothes get too lose again. I can't take seeing a number in the 180s which is where I think I am. I know. Please KILL ME.

Needless to say I'm a cow...for now.

Two weeks ago we found out that our good friends are definitely having their annual Halloween party. This is great as I love them and they throw the BEST parties. (Last year I got so drunk that I passed out in the bathroom...yeah, I know. I'm classy.) Anywho - I was a cow last year in my pirate outfit. I'm smaller then I was then but obviously still ginormous. Since the day we found out about the party I started restricting. It was easy once I knew there was an event coming up where I would be around people that I haven't seen in awhile. I am discovering that I am motivated by social events. I need to use this to my advantage more often!

Thus, in the last two weeks I've dropped some weight. I have no idea how much because I am still terrified of the scale but I know it is working because I am fasting on water only 3 days a week minimum and have been working out daily. On my non fasting days I'm keeping the cals and carbs as low as I can stand it which is usually no more then 500 cals total. On the days I've gone over on cals I've been purging. Not pretty but definitely keeping me in check. I've been a little dizzy from the low cals and jittery from the increased caffeine but for the most part I feel fan-fucking-tastic!

How in the hell did I let myself forget how good fasting feels?

I just started reading the blogs again in the last few days. I am sorry that I ever ran away. This is where I need to be. You ladies give me strength and make me feel less lonely.

I haven't eaten a damn thing today and that makes me very happy.

Fuck food. Today, I am allowing your blogs to sustain me.

Thank you guys.

Starving rocks.


  1. WOW!!!! oh my gosh, i just started following your blog and i just adore it and you. i'm so pleased to hear that the wedding was wonderful (and even though you felt fat, you DID DROP major poundage! you could have been bigger - BUT YOU WEREN'T) and how amazing your new husband is. my heart hurts when i read that you have been suffering for the past few months! thank goodness you are back on here, because this is such an amazing support system. you really inspired me to start getting back on track and start blogging, and i am so thankful for that.

    i hope you will follow my blog! i would love to hear your feedback. we'll tackle this bitch called hunger together.

    lots of love, kk

  2. Congrats on the wedding! That is so sweet of your husband. I don't think my boy will cry, but I can hope, haha.
    I have a halloween party to go to as well, and I am smaller but I know that I will still be a huge fatty, and it's depressing. They always post their pictures up after the party, serving as a constant reminder of how bad I look, hahaha. I wish I could lose 40 pounds in two weeks.

  3. interesting observation at the start no love for ourselves means we have lots of love to go round i guess or we know how mean we are to ourselves and know that everyone else needs a little kindness

    congratulations on the wedding lucky you !

    im also focusing on halloween at the moment i have a party also so dont want to be as fat as i was at the last party i was at


  4. welcome back sweetie. i have been thinking about you. actually, i was thinking that the wedding must have been amazing, and that you must be so happy not to need us anymore! i wish that were true. you don't need to apologize.

    keep fighting the good fight, xo

  5. try not to beat yourself up about it, most newlywedsd gain a bit of weight which will sort itself out as you emerge from that dream like state after the honeymoon. Happiness and confidence does not skinny encourage! glad to have you back, it looks like lots of people are coming back to their blogs as winter rolls around, whatever the significance of that is... bienvenue encore une fois!