27 July 2012

3 letters in 'Evil' are also in 'Deli'. Think about it.

This morning was tough.  In the last year I developed the awful habit of eating breakfast.  Yes, I know people say, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."  I call bullshit on that.  When I am obese (and I seriously am!) breakfast is the worst meal of the day.  Eating breakfast is like opening the floodgates of hunger and sweeping myself into the raging river of an out of control appetite.  I can't stop!  It's awful.  I try to start healthy usually, oatmeal or some fruit, and then next thing I know it's two hours later and I'm scarfing down cookies and/or a bag of chips at my desk.  *shudder*  Just horrifying really.  So breakfast is out.  I'm done with it.

My dear Breakfast, it's over.  We're finished.  I am breaking up with you.
And no...we cannot be friends.

Back to this morning and the aforementioned toughness...  
It sucks.  I take the metro into the city and have to walk a quarter-mile to the office.  Of course I work in the heart of DC and there are a million freaking food options in that brief walk.  The worst being the new deli that they built, literally, right below my office!  It's too goddamn easy.

Is it sweltering outside A?
Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!

Is it freezing outside A?
Easy, just grab something at the deli.  It's close!

Hungry this morning A?
Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!

Want a snack this afternoon A?
Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!

Oof.  I swear.  I wish I worked out in the suburbs in a huge industrial park with nothing around for miles. 

I made it through the morning though.  I got off the metro one stop early and walked 1.5miles into the office. It was hot and muggy but it felt damn good PLUS I was able to sashay my fat ass right on by the deli without a second glance!  WIN.  Eventually all of these little wins will get me to my goal.  I will not give up.  

Regaining control with food is doing wonders for so many other areas of my life.  I didn't see it as a symptom before but it was.  I have been much happier this week and I'm really getting excited about moving to the new house.  We've been living in the townhouse for too long and the neighborhood has just got more ghetto over time.  On Tuesday morning I was awoke at 5:30am to a freaking SWAT team pounding on the door of one of the houses across the court from ours!  Seriously!  They had on full body armor and were holding those big shield looking things.  It was craziness.  I think the neighbors kid sells drugs but I don't know.  I stay out of people's business so they will stay the hell out of mine.

Anyway, we are moving to the middle of the fucking woods, 5.5 acres of mostly trees and not many neighbors around.  It's going to be so crazy but my husband is really really happy.  I'm a little weirded out by the thought of it but at least well have privacy, a place for pets, and my husband can be naked on the deck.  lol  Yeah, I married a nudist.  A naturally skinny super sexy nudist.  FML.  I never get naked.  Not happenin'.  Maybe if I  get down to like 3% bodyfat...maybe...I would walk around nude...but probably not.  

Thankfully he loves my fat ass as is.
However, I do not.
So the answer can only be....no food until 3pm today...or maybe later.

Seriously, I swear that fucking deli downstairs is evil.  Oof.

Believe in yourself ladies!  I believe in you.

26 July 2012



I don't even know where to begin.  The last year has been...well...FAIL.  I think I've gained 50lbs.  I don't know.  I swear I haven't been on a scale since 2010.  I am in so much denial it isn't even funny.  I've gone up 3-4 sizes and I am sure that I must weigh over 200lbs.  I don't know.  I simply cannot face the scale.  Nope.  No way.  I would slit my wrists if I saw the number and I can't do that.  Gotta stay alive! So, I'm restricting again and sweet mamacita it feels fantastic!  So I'm rolling with it.  As for the rest of my life, here are the bullet points:

  • -still working crappy job
  • -Hubby still awesome and sexy! (why  is he with me?)
  • -we are buying a house at the end of September (so excited!)
  • -fat is me
Ooookay, that about wraps it up.  Life is relatively good except that I'm fatter that fat but that is about to end.  We are moving into the new house in a couple of months and hubs wants to have a big house warming party.  I have been avoiding people for the last year because I have gained so much.  It's been awful.  Everytime there has been a gathering with our friends I have feigned illness.  People are starting to think I don't like them but that's not it.  I am just not liking me at the moment.

Seriously, 80% of the pounds gained in the last year have gone directly to  my ass "do not pass Go, do not collect $200".  Fuck.  I just lost it.  Really.  It was scary.  Something in me said "fuck it" and I ate without a care.  All the time.  Often compulsively.  I said I loved myself enough to not care but I sooooooooooooo lied about that.  I care.  I'm fat and unhappy and it has got to stop.  

So, I'm back here, reading your blogs, looking for old friends, seeking out new ones.  I want to get back in control.  For the first time in a long time I feel alive.  Yesterday, wasn't perfect but I didn't eat a thing until 3pm which is a MAJOR WIN for me.  Especially when I was just eating all-day every-day and all-of-the-time!  So far today it's been water and loads of tea.  We have a staff lunch today in the conference room so I've ordered a salad which I can pick at.  Things should be okay.

I missed this space and missed the camaraderie.  I hope all you lovelies out there are doing well.

And don't eat!