So I took a sleeping pill last night because the damn phen gives me insomnia. But then I still couldn't sleep. It was driving me nuts. I was feeling hungry and the longer I was awake the more I wanted to just go down to the kitchen and binge. It was pissing me off. So M comes upstairs and was surprised to find me still awake. I felt like I was going nuts and I really wanted to eat something. I finally went downstairs but I did restrain myself and juiced just one grapefruit. It was a big ruby red one. So sweet and delicious! I'm guessing maybe 150 calories maximum.
That's not so bad right??
I still feel like shit because I broke my fast early. I wasn't supposed to have anything but water yesterday.
I suck.
Anyway, I feel asleep about an hour after I drank the juice.
Well, what's done is done. Today is a new day and it's a 500 cal day. I sliced up a whole cantaloupe to take into work (200 cal) and I made a green smoothie with kale, banana, and strawberries (approx 400 cal). So that's a little over the 500 cal mark but I probably won't drink all of the smoothie. I water it down so it makes a lot.
I hate my fucking fat life. I hate that there are people out there that can eat anything they fucking want and never gain weight. M is like that. He lives on fucking coca-cola and potato chips and stays slim. wtf? I just rub potato chips on my thighs because that's where they are going anyway.
I am going to starve this disgusting fat off of me if it is the last thing that I do. I swear it.
On a happier note, you ladies rock. :) And thanks Tri Thin for the compliment on the dress. I love it and it's great because the back of it is corset laced and can be fit perfectly to my shape. Oh, and I read the book Purged yesterday. It was sad but there was so much in it that I could relate to. I'm starting Stick Figure today.
Okay, I've got to run to the shower or I'll be late to work.
Stay hungry!
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Good luck with the 500 cal one! But also be careful with sleeping pills and phen mixing. Lack of blood sugar actually causes bursts of adrenaline to be released, increasing insomnia, nightmares, etc. Uhm, I have to take an ADD med which is a massive dose of stimulants (HIGHLY controlled, madness XD) but I have severe insomnia naturally. Well...part of that is because I'm addicted to ambien! I used to only take it every now and again when I was really bad, but for about a year I've been doing it daily.
ReplyDeleteAnd about six months ago, I got bad enough to need medicating for my ADD.
Come to find out, the Ambien causes not just major hallucinations, but (GET THIS) weight gain, SLEEP EATING, sleep driving, suicidal and homicidal tendencies (with no memory of it after!), but the most COMMON side effects?
Problems with attention and memory.
But, sleeping pills, depending on what you take, can actually make you get up and eat. One night, I tallied up the evidence left around me?
3000 calories that I had no memory of eating. And that was just boxes and shit that I could count. I didn't even know half of what I had shoved in my mouth.
So yeah, just be SUPER careful. Fasts=severe insomnia but sleeping pills can also = sleep eating.
The grapefruit wasn't bad; it had all those vitamins and crap that apparently you need.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your wedding dress is so pretty! I love the sheen of the fabric, and I like how it's not too frilly, just simple and elegant.
Good luck and think thin!
those people do suck a whole lot - but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself you kept a binge on lockdown by only eating a grapefruit! that's pretty incredible
ReplyDeleteStay hungry :) I like it.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog. I look forward to reading
xoxo