29 May 2009


I hate every single cell of my being with a vicious fire of pure disgust.

Thus, this explains the day I am having today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

27 May 2009

What had happened was...

I binged last night. It was pretty bad. My fiance has hurt his back so badly that he is off work for the week. He usually just fends for himself when it comes to food but under the circumstances I've had to prepare his dinners. It is killing me. Normally I come home and just avoid the kitchen altogether. Anyway, last night there was pasta, garlic bread, cheese....it was horrid. But! I got up this morning and took my big ass to the gym and tried to kill myself on the elliptical machine for 60 minutes. It felt great.

I brought a protein shake in case I get hungry later today.

I am not happy about the binge last night obviously but I'm feeling stronger and more resolved today. The morning workouts are doing wonders for my energy levels.

A note on my latest Ana Porn (per G.Samsa):

I am reading Fasting Girls: A History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. It is fascinating! Granted, History was one of my majors in college so I enjoy this kind of read but seriously this book is very informative if you want a sociocultural-historical perspective of anorexia. What I've found interesting is that the reasons and causes of eating disorders in women fundamentally haven't changed even as our societies and cultures have evolved the last 200 years. It is a history of mixed messages and denying women an equal voice. Bottom line: I recommend it.

I also recommend staying hungry...which I intend to do today!

I am grateful to all of you ladies for your blogs and comments. You give me strength. I hope I give you some back.

*muah* <3


This morning at the gym, there was this ana on one of the elliptical machines in front of me. Of course, I don't know for sure that she was/is ana but she was so lovely. I could see the bones of her shoulders and back through her workout shirt.

I almost cried with longing.

I want to see bones.

I want to be bones.

26 May 2009

The Aftermath

Bachelorette Party = Calorie Madness

I am a cow.


I am a cow.
I am a cow.
I am a cow.
I am a cow
I am a cow.

I drank. I ate. I expanded.

Now, it is over.

I did, for no logical reason, have breakfast this morning but that is it. I am fasting until my Saturday morning weigh-in.

The weekend was great. My friends took me out and we had a fantastic time. I got ridiculously drunk. Apparently when you go out all dressed up wearing a veil and a feather boa people let in you places free and give you lots of free shots. Had I known this previously, I would have been wearing a veil out to the bar for years.

The last thing I remember on Saturday night is that they played "Dancing Queen" by Abba and I was so drunk that I thought that I was the Dancing Queen and threw my arms up and shimmied in the middle of the dance floor during the entire song. After Dancing Queen - everything is hazy. Apparently additional shots were consumed then they dragged me to the limo and took my ass home. Oh, and I may or may not have flashed someone from the limo. That detail has been hotly debated.

It was fun but thank heavens it is over.

No more food or alcohol for me.

I missed you guys. You motivate me tremendously. I was so happy to get back to reading your blogs this morning and I'm loving faz's weight loss competition. I'm signing right up!

Weight loss and eating issues did come up in discussion with a few friends and my sister on Friday night. My sister, of course, was completely dismissive and basically treated me like an idiot for talking about my drive to lose weight and the upcoming wedding in particular. It is like I am a freak for giving a damn how I look. I swear. I get so fucking sick of her dismissing things that I think are important. Whatever. I will happily be the skinny sister. She just pisses me off. I am pretty sure that she doesn't even like me. If we weren't sisters we probably wouldn't be friends.

I was incredibly happy that my friend S who lives out here in Maryland, traveled back home with me for the weekend. She was my partner in crime. I don't know what I would have done without her. We may not agree on everything but at least she doesn't treat me like an idiot.

Oh well, enough about that crap. I'm trying to get my skinny on!

From this moment until the Saturday morning weigh-in I plan on having only water and herbal tea. If I feel weak at any point I may throw in a small protein shake (max 300 cals). Also, I can't get to the gym today but tomorrow through Friday I'm getting up early to workout before I go into the office.

Stay strong. Stay hungry!

22 May 2009

Never satisfied

Two days of fasting - done.

I haven't done two consecutive days of fasting in a long long time. I think I could go farther. I want to go farther but I have a hell of a weekend in front of me. I'm going to have a protein shake and them I'm going into the city early to hit the gym before work. After work I am heading directly to the airport and then don't return home until Monday.

One thing that I am going to miss the most this weekend is my Saturday morning weigh-in. I live for it. But I'm so OCD that I feel like I can't weigh myself this morning because it is not Saturday. That means I'll have to wait another entire week. Gah! I should just go weigh myself now. Right? I've been doing pretty good this week and following a two day fast the number has to be good right? Plus my clothes feel loose so....aw fuck it, I'm going to weigh myself....brb......

I'm down 2 more pounds from last week.


I have the metabolism of a worm.

I really fucking feel like it should be more. I haven't eaten anything in two goddamn days.

Well, could be worse. I could be up 2lbs.

I'm am kicking my ass at the gym this morning. This weight is NOT coming off fast enough.

Hope you all enjoy the weekend.

Stay strong. Stay hungry.

21 May 2009


Inspired by G. Samsa's post, I thought I would no longer call the books I've been reading 'ED books' and heretofore address them, per her suggestion, as "Ana Porn". :)

I have read the following in the last few weeks:

Wasted – Marya Horbacher
The Best Little Girl In the World - Steven Levenkron
Going Hungry: Writers on Desire, Self-Denial, and Overcoming Anorexia - Kate M. Taylor
Purge: Rehab Diaries - Nicole Johns
Stick Figure - Lori Gottlieb
Wintergirls - Laurie Halse Anderson

Wasted, as I'm sure you all know, is a classic. I would also strongly suggest Wintergirls, which I just finished yesterday. It was powerful. The Best Little Girl In The World was good but I could never forget that it was written by a male ED doctor. The essays in Going Hungry were interesting mostly because of the variety of voices; young,old, black, white, rich, poor. Some of the essays stuck with me and some were dreadful. Take what you will from it. As for Purge by Nichole Johns, I have mixed feelings about it. The ending left me wanting but I suppose that's how life is with an ED. Stick Figure was a surprisingly enjoyable read. The author's smart-ass personality appealed to me.

I am currently reading Running on Empty by Carrie Arnold. She's a heady combination of depression, OCD, and ana. Very self-aware and very self destructive. So far I like her a lot.

I also bought the book Thin by Lauren Greenfield. Greenfield did a documentary of the same name for HBO. I've never seen the film but the book is amazing. She is a photographer and the pictures she took of the women and girls at Renfrew just have to be seen. The book lays out their stories in their own words and although they are some of the most gut wrenching accounts of lives come undone, I find myself gazing over the images and feeling thinspired. How sick am I?

In addition I have Perfect: Anorexia & Me by Emily Halban and Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg sitting on my shelf waiting for me to read next.

I have been a bit overcome with all of the AP I'm indulging in but it absolutely enthralls me.

No way can this be normal.

Anywho - I am enjoying it and doing my part to keep Border's Books in business.

Please feel free to suggest any other good reads I should purchase or tell me if you liked/hated any of the books already listed.

As for my intake, yesterday was a successful fast day and today is a fasting day as well. So far, only water and some kombucha. There will be green tea and more water for lunch.

Starve on!

20 May 2009

Me and ED sittin' in a tree...k.i.s.s.i.n.g

"We're going to have so much fun together." she whispered in my ear.
"We already are!" I grinned.

I feel like my ED and I are falling in love. We're at the early stage where we love everything about about each other and we want to spend all of our time together.

So last night was far from stellar. I got through the day with the green smoothie but then on the way home from work I just wanted to chew something. I don't even know why. I had one hell of an internal argument about it and decided to allow myself to eat some hummus and tabouli when I got home and one dairy-free mini ice-cream sandwich. It was about 500 cals of damage I think. Mostly because I broke down and had two of the mini ice-cream sandwiches. Yeah, I suck. Anyway the day came in around 1000 cals for which I completely hate myself.

In agreement for eating last night I am fasting today as normal and then punishing myself with another fast tomorrow. I shouldn't have eaten last night and I hate myself for it. Food is something I don't need or want.

Friday is normally my fasting day but the office is taking me to lunch to celebrate my upcoming wedding. It would be rude to not eat anything. I checked out the restaurant's menu and they have some salads that will work. Friday after work I am flying home for the party weekend and I will probably have some cocktails with the girls but am going to try not to eat anything to save up my calories for the festivities on Saturday.

Then Sunday will be hangover day and I think I can get away with not eating because I'll need to drink tons of water as I'll certainly be dehydrated from the evening before. Monday I fly back to DC and I can easily get away with fasting that day away.

I have a game plan!

Now I'm going to go get intimate with my ED...at the gym. :) My boss is out so I can sneak in a workout for lunch. Yay!

Love.You.Guys. :)

Stay hungry!

19 May 2009

On track

So I made it through yesterday food free. Yay me!

I've already made myself a green smoothie to sip on for the day (spinach, banana, hemp protein powder, soy yogurt/milk) it's about 450 calories and watered down to make it last. If I need to, I may throw in a grapefruit when I get home from work tonight. As long as I stay under 500 calories I think I'll be fine. This alternate day fasting thing really seems to be working for me. I hope it is what is keeping my metabolism burning.

I didn't get on the treadmill last night but I did an uppper body workout and a bunch of pushups before I went to bed. My arms are atrocious and of course my wedding dress is strapless. Ugh.

This Friday I am flying home for the bachelorette party weekend with my sister and friends. I don't know exactly what the plans are but there is a limo involved and as my sister says "much booty dancin'..." lol My friends are a trip so I'm sure it will be fun. I bought a new outfit to go out in but I don't know if I will wear it. I really need to lose like 10lbs in the next 3 days to pull it off.

I know that I'll have to eat this weekend because there will be alcohol involved but I'm pretty nervous about it. First, I haven't seen my sister since last Thanksgiving and I've lost a little over 30lbs since then. She's totally going to comment on it. She will definitely notice if I'm restricting this weekend. I may be able to get away with a purge if we drink too much - I can just blame it on the alcohol! My sister is great but she is unbelievably nosey. She will be all in my business. I want to have a good time this weekend but I am not going to gain 15 lbs doing it. I refuse to let the whole weekend be a binge.

Anyway, my goal for today is to stay under 500 cals and get in a good hour on the treadmill tonight before I go to bed...maybe two.

And I want to send much love and appreciation to all of my commenters and new followers. I can't believe how much you guys motivate and inspire me. In the moments when I sometimes feel my resolve weakening, I think of you all and it helps pull me through. Thank you for that. Your support is powerful. :)

Stay hungry my skinny minnies!

18 May 2009

"feasting on hunger itself"

"feasting on hunger itself" - Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

I'm in a very weird space. Something clicked in me yesterday. I'm not sure how to explain it.

First of all, I found another dress. It is very pretty and very similar to my current dress except that it is satin with a lovely light chiffon overlay and delicate accent beading. Unbelievably I found it on an "as is" rack for $150. It just barely fits...if I don't breathe. This is good. It will certainly allow for me to lose another 15-20lbs before the wedding. And if it appears to get a little big, it is made such that the seams can be easily taken in. I feel good about the purchase and stronger in my resolve to restrict as much as possible.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. I was like a woman possessed. I drove over 150 miles between all of the shops I visited. At the end of the day, driving home happily with my new dress I got a call from my sister. I wish I hadn't answered the phone.

Don't get me wrong. I love my sister. She is my only sibling and my best friend. There is nothing she wouldn't do for me and I trust her implicitly. Nevertheless, she does not now and has never understood me. Not even a little bit. Anytime I try to express myself or share my point of view she interprets it so personally. There are things I wish I could tell her but she could never understand.

Anyway, she called and I tried to express my anxiety about the wedding and it became this screaming match about how I'm going to be miserable at my wedding and make everyone uncomfortable - which is, of course, ridiculous. I love M and marrying him is easily the best and smartest thing I will ever do. It is just that, as I tried to explain to my sister once again, this whole wedding thing is not what I wanted at all. I don't like being the center of attention. I never wanted a big wedding. It originally started out as 30-40 close family and friends and has, at last count, become 110 people! (This is a direct result of my wonderful parents and their desire to invite everyone and everyone.)

To say that my anxiety is through the roof is an understatement. I don't think it would be possible for me to eat enough to maintain my weight between now and the wedding. To think of all of those people there watching me and my fat ass waddle down the aisle? Dear God. It is my nightmare.

I know it is unusual, at least that is what people keep telling me, but I was never the kind of girl that wanted to be a bride. We could have gone to the Justice of the Peace and I would be just as proud to be his wife. But he wants this wedding and I love him so I'm doing it. Just don't expect me to not have any anxiety about it because I sure as hell do.

And so, with the purchase of two wedding dresses and only 6 weeks to go, my appetite is gone. Gone. I haven't even taken the phentermine. I just can't, and won't, be eating for the next 6 weeks any more then I will need to function at work and workout. I have a few occasions that I will be forced to eat for work and my birthday celebration in mid june but other than that I'm done with food. Done.

Sorry for the long post but I do want to answer PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge Question:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?

1. I love feeling hungry. Love it. Love it. Love it! It is exhilarating. I am addicted to it.

2. The more weight I lose, the bigger I feel. It is the strangest thing. I really don't understand it. At my biggest ever I weighed (gasp!) 265lbs. Yeah. I know. It's just too sick to even think about. The strange thing is that I don't remember feeling so big when I was that huge. But now, with every pound I drop and every size smaller, I feel bigger and bigger. Like I'm taking up an enormous amount of space. I don't quite get it. I have serious body issues as I suppose we all do huh?

3. I don't like food. I am not sure that I have ever liked food. I think I was always focused on the act of eating. I used it as an activity to take up time or to try and fill up an inner emptiness but I don't think I have ever really liked food. I appreciate some flavors and textures but I don't really enjoy them. I experience food as weight on my tongue or mass in my throat or stomach. Taste is not a sense that I have ever paid much attention to. It has been very strange to realize that I don't like food and it is strange to try and understand why I consumed so much of it for so very long. What does that mean? How do I deal with that?

Anyway, today is a fasting day. I feel better empty. I feel right with nothing. I am "feasting on hunger itself" and I think it suits me. :)

I hope you all are doing well.

Be strong and stay hungry.

17 May 2009

You will NOT believe this shit...

Ladies, first of all - I love you guys. Thank you for your great comments and support.

Now, please note that I am officially FREAKING OUT.

Get this shit....

Yesterday, I workout like a fiend, starve myself until the dress fitting so I'm feeling good; all is well. Now you must note that I haven't tried the dress on in over 6 weeks. When I tried it on at that time my Mom was in town and even she said "just lose 10 more pounds". I was already planning to lose more then that so no biggie.

We get to the seamstress yesterday, I try the dress on and they lace the corset backing up as tight as it will go and I'm comfortably in it!

I panic. Yes, PANIC.

Do you realize what this means? Do you?

It means that my dress, right now, fits perfectly.


Very bad.

The seamstress and my planner tell me that I "must not lose another pound".

Get that?

They tell me to "stop losing weight".


No way. No how. NEVER.

So I start freaking out. Right then. I ask if they can take the dress in. But because of the way the dress is made, that is not an option. Not a fucking option!!!

I WILL lose another 15-20lbs before this wedding. Period. That shit is happening.

So I am now facing the reality of my dress not fitting properly.


So I said fuck it.

Know what I am doing today??

Going wedding dress shopping. Yeah, I said it.

I'm buying another, smaller, dress. This is my wedding day and I'm going to weigh the least I possibly can. And I will have a dress that fits.

My fiance is not happy with me and thinks I'm nuts.
I'm just pulling out the credit card.

I probably am crazy but dammit...I am losing more weight and I will wear a dress that fits.

I can't even believe this is happening. I should have bought the damn dress in a smaller size to begin with. And I love the dress. It was not cheap. But too bad.

Bride-zilla is here.

Wish me luck! And stay hungry!!

16 May 2009

Happy...but not enough

So I'm down another 3lbs. Good.

But it would have been more if I'd worked out like I should have this week. I'm glad with the weight drop but mad at myself for settling for anything less than my best.

I have got to get moving a hell of a lot more.

My schedule is crazy but I can fit in more exercise. I will fit in more exercise. It could have been a 5lb drop this week if I wasn't such a lazy ass.

Well, I am taking a minute to be thankful for being down 3 more pounds and then I'm putting on my workout gear and kicking my ass.

I am feeling so motivated it's crazy.

I'm finished being fat.

Bring on the skinny!!

Love you guys. Stay hungry.

15 May 2009

ED 101

So I was sitting here at work feeling blah and fat. Like a big fat fatty blah blah.

So I googled “weight loss motivation” and was directed to these nuggets ‘o wisdom from about.com.

Okay, sure. This is reasonable stuff but so obviously not what I needed. Thus I have amended it more to my liking ….(drum roll please)…..

ED 101

Sometimes we realize we are a total fat fuck and decide to do something about the obscene circumference of our thunder thighs. We start restricting/fasting/purging but we aren’t losing weight fast enough. We fail at a fast. We eat junk so then we must throw up our lunch. We eat more calories then we would like. Maybe it's from outside pressure; sometimes our friends want to go out drinking (empty calories and drunk binges). Maybe you are forced to eat with your family or hear the sweet song of your favorite food calling out from the refrigerator. Whatever the cause, it sucks.

That doesn't mean you're destined for failure. Even if you've started and stopped 100 times before, this time doesn't have to end the same way.

By putting some important skills to use, you will find it a little easier to stop stuffing your trap with crap and to stick to your ED behaviors.

Skill One: Stop Fucking Eating Like a Cow

One of the best ways to stay motivated throughout your weight loss journey is to stop fucking eating like a cow. Shoving large quantities of food in your mouth is gross and will make your fat ass even fatter. Can you really afford any additional calories??

By starving yourself and/or restricting calories you will lose weight and be thin. If you continue to eat like a cow then you will deserve to look like a cow.

Your day is a success only if the scale numbers move down.

Skill Two: Every Calorie Must be Counted

You must count every single calorie consumed. If you are unsure of the number of calories in something - round up to a higher number then you think. If you ate too many calories one day then you should punish yourself with fasting or restriction the following day. If you binge then you must purge and/or use laxies.

Fewer calories over time = great weight loss.

Count calories or be a cow. The choice is yours.

Skill Three: Identify your Thinspiration

Whether it is pictures of your favorite celebs, skinny models, an upcoming special event, or to gain the attention of someone, it is important that you identify and motivate yourself with Thinspiration. Collect photos that motivate you or buy the outfit you want to wear in a smaller size so that you know you have to starve to wear it.

To achieve long-term ED success, you will have to come face-to-face with your fat habits by asking some important questions:

How will you ever wear size 0 if you keep eating?
Do you want to be “normal” and fat like most people?
What the fuck are you doing even looking at that pizza?

Berating yourself and triggering your ED is the way to get thin. Without that, you will always be a fat pig.

Skill Four: Avoid Eating Whenever Possible

There will always be friends that want to meet for lunch or required meals with your family. You may lose weight and people will try to encourage you to eat unnecessarily. You must avoid these situations whenever possible or at the very least be prepared with plausible excuses.

“I’ve already ate.”
“I’m allergic to ______.”
“I’m vegan.”

Use anything you can think of to avoid eating. Food is the enemy and must be conquered. Being thin is the most important thing. Period.

Skill Five: Remember, Think Thin!

If you aren’t thin. You aren’t shit.

‘Nuff said.

When motivation to stick to your ED is wavering and a good long look in the mirror at your fat thighs and stomach doesn't do the trick, think about the skills listed above, get off your fat ass and go to the fucking gym…or at least do some crunches for crissake.

You’re a cow.

Don’t eat.

Stay hungry…always.

There was an incident.

Yeah so um...there was an incident last night.

PrettyWreck - I think you were right on the money about mixing the phen with sleeping pills! I wish I had read your comment earlier. No good has come of it at all.

So last night I took a sleeping pill and still felt restless. Next thing I know, I'm in the kitchen with a bowl of red pepper hummus, some tabouli, and several handfuls of corn chips.


I woke up this morning still tasting salt on my lips.

Soooooo not cool.

I didn't drink all of my green smoothie yesterday and guestimating the calories from "the incident" I'm putting yesterday over 1000 cals. Maybe as high as 1500?


Oh well, so far this morning I've had several laxatives for breakfast. Yummmmmm. :)

I have a dress fitting at 3pm tomorrow. I refuse to eat until afterward. Also tomorrow morning is my weigh in and I need to see a lower number. Please, oh please, oh please, oh please. I mean, I feel like I've lost weight this week. I actually put on a skirt this morning for work and realized that it is too big and I looked ridiculous. Yay!! I can't wait until my clothes are falling off of me and I am forced to buy new suits for work. The good thing is that most of my business suits for work are cut pretty conservatively and I can probably wear them for awhile before I look too silly.

Okay I have to start working or my boss will kill me.

I am so grateful for you guys. *muah*

Stay strong and stay hungry...always.

14 May 2009

Insomnia meets grapefruit

So I took a sleeping pill last night because the damn phen gives me insomnia. But then I still couldn't sleep. It was driving me nuts. I was feeling hungry and the longer I was awake the more I wanted to just go down to the kitchen and binge. It was pissing me off. So M comes upstairs and was surprised to find me still awake. I felt like I was going nuts and I really wanted to eat something. I finally went downstairs but I did restrain myself and juiced just one grapefruit. It was a big ruby red one. So sweet and delicious! I'm guessing maybe 150 calories maximum.

That's not so bad right??

I still feel like shit because I broke my fast early. I wasn't supposed to have anything but water yesterday.

I suck.

Anyway, I feel asleep about an hour after I drank the juice.

Well, what's done is done. Today is a new day and it's a 500 cal day. I sliced up a whole cantaloupe to take into work (200 cal) and I made a green smoothie with kale, banana, and strawberries (approx 400 cal). So that's a little over the 500 cal mark but I probably won't drink all of the smoothie. I water it down so it makes a lot.

I hate my fucking fat life. I hate that there are people out there that can eat anything they fucking want and never gain weight. M is like that. He lives on fucking coca-cola and potato chips and stays slim. wtf? I just rub potato chips on my thighs because that's where they are going anyway.

I am going to starve this disgusting fat off of me if it is the last thing that I do. I swear it.

On a happier note, you ladies rock. :) And thanks Tri Thin for the compliment on the dress. I love it and it's great because the back of it is corset laced and can be fit perfectly to my shape. Oh, and I read the book Purged yesterday. It was sad but there was so much in it that I could relate to. I'm starting Stick Figure today.

Okay, I've got to run to the shower or I'll be late to work.

Stay hungry!

13 May 2009

Empty Wednesday

You ladies are the best. I can't state that enough. I've never come across a stronger and more supportive group. You keep me going. Thank you. <3

So yesterday was good, only the green smoothie. Today is another fasting day and I'm ready for it! Bring it on bitches!!

You may be wondering about my weight during the week but I only weigh myself weekly; first thing Saturday morning. I've tried the weigh myself everyday thing and it drove me to lunacy. Plus we have a fantastic clinical scale here at home, you know one of the tall metal ones like you would see in the gym or at your doctor's office with the movable weights. It is very accurate and because M rarely weighs himself I can just leave it sitting at my weight week to week. It is good because I can step on it and immediately tell if I have to adjust it upward to down. Moving the weigh down is the best feeling EVER. I am hoping to drop that baby several pounds this coming Saturday morning.

I have a lot of thinspiration coming up too. This Saturday morning I have a dress fitting. YIKE. And next weekend I am flying home to Michigan for my bachelorette party which is sure to be great! I even bought myself an outfit for the party that requires a 10lbs loss by then. So who is not eating? ME!

Alternate day fasting feels pretty good thus far. I am not hungry at all this morning. And yesterday sipping on the smoothie all day was no problem. Because of my commute I get home from work after 7pm and I skipped my workout and went straight to bed (I get up at 4:30am) which was good because you can't sneak to the kitchen if you are asleep right?? I hate to skip the after work exercise but I was too afraid that I would end up in the kitchen so I just went to bed.

Oh! And I've been reading a bunch of ED books. I read Wasted and The Best Little Girl in the World last week. I finished a collection of essays on ED titled Going Hungry yesterday. And today I am starting Purge. I have a lot of thoughts to share on these but I'll have to do it later because I need to get my fat ass in the shower. Do any of you read any ED books? I find them interesting and motivating. Is that completely sick or what?

Stay stong and stay hungry girls...always.

Oh, and if you are interested, here is a picture of my wedding dress!

09 May 2009

Summer Challenge 2009

Okay...I'm totally late and probably not doing this right. You see, I am far to embarrassed to tell you all exactly how old and fat I am. It's just too much to bear. Nevertheless, I am participating in PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge 2009.

Age: 30-something (I stopped counting)
Current Weight: 185 (please kill me now.)
Goal Weight Loss: 135 (by Aug 10th)
Personal Goal: To go on at least 5 long hikes (20+ miles) this summer.
Biggest Challenges: To stay motivated in the face of my impatience. I want to be thin NOW.

My week has been good so far. Yesterday was a fasting day. Only water, herbal teas and 3 small altoids. Total calories 1.5. (Yes!) This morning I made a green smoothie with kale, bananas, flaxseed meal, and maca for a total of 457 calories. I watered it down and will sip on it all day at work. Then nothing tonight when I get home.

Work has been crazy. There is a bunch going on in DC as always.

I just wanted you ladies to know that I'm alive and I'm in it to thin it!

Stay strong and stay hungry...always.

Weekend?...I don't need no stinkin' weekend.

I am empty. It is good.

I wish I could just ride this feeling through the day but alas the weekend is upon me and social obligations must be fulfilled. It is my friend S's birthday and when she and I get together the margaritas flow like water. It's ridiculous. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and suggested some other (read: low cal) drink option but she wouldn't go for it. Margaritas and mexican food in general are our thing and it sucks. I swear that I can feel my thighs swell just thinking about it.

And of course I happily accepted more free avocadoes from the office yesterday because S loves them like I do and I promised to make her some authentic guac for the festivities tonight.

Margaritas and Guacamole = Calorie City.

I feel like I should stay home to exercise, read, and enjoy the emptiness. But I can't. My fiance and her boyfriend are best friends and they have all kinds of boy stuff planned for today. (Something to do with four wheelers and some Xbox live.)

The phen is working well and if I can keep my alcohol consumption in check then I will be okay. On the other hand, I am thinking that I should enjoy myself tonight and make tomorrow a fasting day. Actually, I am thinking about doing a regular alternate day fasting plan. Do you think that would work?

Monday - Fast
Tuesday - Eat (500 cal)
Wednesay - Fast
Thursday - Eat (500 cal)
Friday - Fast
Saturday - Eat (max 1000 cal to keep my metabolism going)
Sunday - Eat (500 cal)

What do you think? Would that work? I would be fasting 3 days a week which is doable. Or I could make Sunday a fasting day too but I'm worried about my metabolism slowing down. I need to lose this weight at a good clip. The wedding is June 27th. (Yikes!)

I'd love your input ladies. So please let me know that you think of the alternate day fasting plan.

Okay - I'm going to workout and do some cleaning.

Stay strong. Stay hungry.

08 May 2009

On Fat and Goals

[PrettyWreck - thanks for the words of wisdom. They are so true. I feel so alive when I deny myself. Exercising control over oneself feels...intoxicating. And yes, phentermine is the doctor prescribed diet pill. I live near a doctor that is one of its greatest advocates. He has no problem doling it out. It does come with some side effects (dry mouth and insomnia plague me) but it KILLS your appetite so I'll pay any monetary and physical price to get my hands on it. I have an appointment on the 29th to get a refill! Yay! :) ]

All of you women rock. You inspire me so much. You have no idea.

Now onto the topic of this post:

I have always been fat.



I have no memory of ever being thin. Hell, I have no adult memory of being smaller then a size 14 fer crissake! Thus, I am not like most fat women I know who were once thin and then gained weight due to pregnancy or age or something like that.

I was always fat. In third grade my bra size was a 36C. No shit. It was crazy. I seriously overdeveloped at a very young age. At age 8 I looked like a 16 year old. It was freaky.

I'm built like the quintessential black woman; big boobs, small waist, thunder thighs, and fat ass. All but a few of the women from my mother's side of the family (whom I most resemble) are obese. I have only one "skinny" Aunt and it is known that she is bulimic. She's probably ana as well but I don't know for sure. The crazy thing is that she is like a size 8/10 and considered "skinny" by my Mom's family. lololol How insane in that?

I weighed 235lbs when I graduated from high school. HORRIFYING. But back then I didn't care.

I grew up around almost no other black people. I had lots of friends but I was the fat friend and being black just made me a novelty. I didn't have a single date until the end of my senior year and that was with a black guy from another school district. As a matter of fact, it was because of the lack of dating prospects that I ate all through high school. I figured why even bother to pretend like it was going to make a difference what size I was. Most of my best friends in high school were guys and most were just close to me because my girl friends were all thin and pretty. Thin girls love to hang out with the fat friend. Cute guys always make friends with the fat girl to get close to her skinny friends. That was my life for a long time.

And then college started and I discovered that people would actually date me. I mean, I had been told all my life that I had "a pretty face". God how I HATED that. "Oh, you have such a pretty FACE." Emphasis on 'face'. My body was/is disgusting.

So college came and I found a shocking number of men that loved a pretty face and thunder thighs. WTF? I hated myself more and more.

Yada, yada, yada (lots of drugs, sex, and madness later)....here I am a grown woman that has never experienced being thin.

But that, my friends, is about to dramatically change.

5 years ago I lost 60lbs and have kept off 45 of it permanently. But I am still a fucking cow and I hate myself for being so lazy. Especially when I work in a world where I am easily the fattest woman I know. It is truly only my attitude and displays of confidence that have got me the little success that I do have.

I am getting married next month to the most amazing man. He loves my fat ass. God bless him. Yet, in the most unexpected way, a NEED to be thin has awoke in me because I am with him. I think that now that I've found the love of my life I am freed from worrying about relationships and I can devote time to me. Isn't that strange?

My fiance, let's call him 'M', is not a needy guy. He lets me flit around him at will. If I need lots of attention, he gives it to me. If I tell him to go away because I'm cranky, he goes. Occasionally I probably hurt his feelings and he will often just look at me and say "Woman!" with playful authority to get me to shut up and listen. We work very well together. But I digress...

I have always dieted but I never really held a goal. I just wanted to lose weight. I never wanted to be a certain size. Isn't that strange? I was pretending to be content being a lazy fat slob. Gah! I realize now that by not desiring to reach a goal that I was constantly sabotaging my few weight loss successes.

Anyway, this post is getting ridiculously long (Sorry!!) and I still have million things I want to share but I'll save them for another time.

Bottom line - I now have goals that I WILL reach....or starve trying. ;)

GW1 - 130lbs
GW2 - 120lbs
UG - 110lbs

Today is a fasting day. So far lots of water (0 cal), some herbal ginger tea (0 cal), and 1 small altoid (.5 cal).

Stay hungry ladies....always.

06 May 2009

Frackin' avocados

Oh how I hate food. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I have an office job and I sit entirely too much of the time. The good thing is that I don't work with big eaters so this is the first office I've ever worked in where I don't have to face any edible temptations on a regular basis.

My boss is anorexic. I am sure of it. My last boss was too. Seriously, my boss never eats. She is at work all the time and I never see her nibble on a thing. On the incredibly rare occasion when she brings in food it is always fresh fruit. She has been thin all of her life. Women in DC just are. I have never been surrounded by so many skinny women. DC is a power town and fat is NOT a symbol of strength. Everyone is appearance obsessed. I knew when I moved here that I would fit right in!

So today, with the help of the phen, I have not eaten a thing. Just water all day and two small Altoids (1 cal total). My appetite is gone and it is glorious. I came home and got on the treadmill and worked a few weights. I feel good and empty.

But here I am - with no appetite at all - seriously considering going downstairs and slicing open an avocado. Avocados are a weakness and I wish like hell that I didn't have one in the house. Of course it is my own fault. The Mexican Ambassador sent over boxes of fresh Mexican avocados for people in the office. Free avocado for chrissake. Like a weak fat cow I took one home.

I'm a fool.

I'm not hungry but I want the avocado. I mix them with a clove of garlic, a splash of lemon juice, and salt. I don't need chips or anything. Just a spoon.

276 calories calling my name.


I am going to bed. I can't even deal with it.

I hate myself for even wanting it.

I hate food. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Stay strong ladies...and stay hungry...always.

Drugs...Drugs 'r bad m'kay....

First of all thank you all for your comments! It means a lot. :) I take your support and suggestions to heart. You ladies are beyond words. Seriously.

I didn't post yesterday because I felt like like hell. I had a beer when I got home from work on Monday night (yeah, yeah I know...not cool) and yesterday was not a stellar day either.

BUT! I am very happy this morning as I have rediscovered my stash of phentermine. Yes my babies...prescription appetite suppressants ROCK. These things are a year old and I thought I'd given them all to my friend last summer. Of course the question is why did I give them all away in the first place right? Well I was seriously depressed and considering suicide and gave them away because I figured why bother suppressing my appetite when I would probably kill myself soon. Needless to say, I'm still here - for better or for worse.

So yay me for cleaning under my bathroom sink last night and discovering my phen. I popped one of those babies an hour ago (I get up obscenely early for work.) and I can already feel its mojo working. With these things I can not eat for WEEKS! It is pharmie bliss I tell you.

God, I really need to do a 'background' post and tell you guys the details of my life but I just haven't the time for a long exposition right now so here are the bullet points that I'm comfortable sharing right now.

Height: 5'2 1/2"
Weight: EMBARASSING (I refuse to even type it.)
Age: Old enough that I should know better than to abuse my body the way I do...but I don't give a shit.
Location: Washington DC area, US
Occupation: I work in politics supporting and managing the life of a DC proverbial "mover and shaker". It occasionally pretty cool but I am easily the fattest person I know.

I appropriately have a college degree in theater, music, and history. Ha! What the hell am I doing in politics/business?? Well, that degree did give me the skills to be the consummate bullshitter. I never, and I mean never, show people who I really am. People think I have it all together. I know that I am a piece of shit. I am regularly bitchy and easily an ass-kisser when it serves me. Most of the time I just wish for death.

I'm not right in the head and don't think I have ever been. C'est la vie.

I'm just glad that my appetite is gone and I have you ladies' blogs to get me through the days.

God...I suck at intros.

Anyway...I have drugs! Yay! Now...I just have to arrange to get another script because I am getting married at the end of June and it.is.freaking.me.out. I need to lose a million pounds ASAP.

But I'll leave the details of my impending nuptials for another post.

Jeebus...this phentermine has me loopy. Woo hoo!

Okloveyouguysbye. *muah*

04 May 2009

Beer is Evil.

Well I’m off to an auspicious start…

My weekend was an eating disaster. Saturday we went a birthday party for one of my fiancĂ©’s co-workers and the beer was flowing. Ugh. Beer is among the most hideous of my weaknesses. I had entirely too much and subsequently ended up eating a bunch of this chili dip and a huge slice of birthday cake.

Not good.

Saturday was hangover city at my house which resulted in lots of lounging on the couch and the consumption of Wendy’s in the late afternoon.


So this morning I had a bagel for breakfast and now I’m sipping on a green smoothie and that’s it. No more food for me until Wednesday. I’ve already taken an aloe vera laxative and I will be kicking my ass in a workout tonight when I get home.

I’m off to read your blogs and get myself motivated.

Stay hungry.

01 May 2009

The First Post

So here goes...

I have been reading blogs avidly and realized that I need to join you. So many of you have inspired me and kept me afloat on days when I've felt so alone.

This is going to be challenging for me because I've spent my whole life hiding myself from everyone. I never let people in. I never let my guard down. I am the staunchest supporter and the harshest critic of myself. I am fat and miserable and have walked around like I was the thinnest girl in the room. Attitude is indeed everything darlings.

My personality runs the gamut from wallflower to vixen and I don't know what I will reveal writing this blog but I do promise to be as true and as open as I can be. Because for the first time in my life I think I have found kindred spirits.

So here goes...wish me luck lovelies! I can't wait to get to know you all.