On Fat and Goals

[PrettyWreck - thanks for the words of wisdom. They are so true. I feel so alive when I deny myself. Exercising control over oneself feels...intoxicating. And yes, phentermine is the doctor prescribed diet pill. I live near a doctor that is one of its greatest advocates. He has no problem doling it out. It does come with some side effects (dry mouth and insomnia plague me) but it KILLS your appetite so I'll pay any monetary and physical price to get my hands on it. I have an appointment on the 29th to get a refill! Yay! :) ]

All of you women rock. You inspire me so much. You have no idea.

Now onto the topic of this post:

I have always been fat.

Always.

Seriously.

I have no memory of ever being thin. Hell, I have no adult memory of being smaller then a size 14 fer crissake! Thus, I am not like most fat women I know who were once thin and then gained weight due to pregnancy or age or something like that.

I was always fat. In third grade my bra size was a 36C. No shit. It was crazy. I seriously overdeveloped at a very young age. At age 8 I looked like a 16 year old. It was freaky.

I'm built like the quintessential black woman; big boobs, small waist, thunder thighs, and fat ass. All but a few of the women from my mother's side of the family (whom I most resemble) are obese. I have only one "skinny" Aunt and it is known that she is bulimic. She's probably ana as well but I don't know for sure. The crazy thing is that she is like a size 8/10 and considered "skinny" by my Mom's family. lololol How insane in that?

I weighed 235lbs when I graduated from high school. HORRIFYING. But back then I didn't care.

I grew up around almost no other black people. I had lots of friends but I was the fat friend and being black just made me a novelty. I didn't have a single date until the end of my senior year and that was with a black guy from another school district. As a matter of fact, it was because of the lack of dating prospects that I ate all through high school. I figured why even bother to pretend like it was going to make a difference what size I was. Most of my best friends in high school were guys and most were just close to me because my girl friends were all thin and pretty. Thin girls love to hang out with the fat friend. Cute guys always make friends with the fat girl to get close to her skinny friends. That was my life for a long time.

And then college started and I discovered that people would actually date me. I mean, I had been told all my life that I had "a pretty face". God how I HATED that. "Oh, you have such a pretty FACE." Emphasis on 'face'. My body was/is disgusting.

So college came and I found a shocking number of men that loved a pretty face and thunder thighs. WTF? I hated myself more and more.

Yada, yada, yada (lots of drugs, sex, and madness later)....here I am a grown woman that has never experienced being thin.

But that, my friends, is about to dramatically change.

5 years ago I lost 60lbs and have kept off 45 of it permanently. But I am still a fucking cow and I hate myself for being so lazy. Especially when I work in a world where I am easily the fattest woman I know. It is truly only my attitude and displays of confidence that have got me the little success that I do have.

I am getting married next month to the most amazing man. He loves my fat ass. God bless him. Yet, in the most unexpected way, a NEED to be thin has awoke in me because I am with him. I think that now that I've found the love of my life I am freed from worrying about relationships and I can devote time to me. Isn't that strange?

My fiance, let's call him 'M', is not a needy guy. He lets me flit around him at will. If I need lots of attention, he gives it to me. If I tell him to go away because I'm cranky, he goes. Occasionally I probably hurt his feelings and he will often just look at me and say "Woman!" with playful authority to get me to shut up and listen. We work very well together. But I digress...

I have always dieted but I never really held a goal. I just wanted to lose weight. I never wanted to be a certain size. Isn't that strange? I was pretending to be content being a lazy fat slob. Gah! I realize now that by not desiring to reach a goal that I was constantly sabotaging my few weight loss successes.

Anyway, this post is getting ridiculously long (Sorry!!) and I still have million things I want to share but I'll save them for another time.

Bottom line - I now have goals that I WILL reach....or starve trying. ;)

GW1 - 130lbs
GW2 - 120lbs
UG - 110lbs

Today is a fasting day. So far lots of water (0 cal), some herbal ginger tea (0 cal), and 1 small altoid (.5 cal).

Stay hungry ladies....always.