16 February 2010

Quick post

1.  I am alive.
2.  Working in DC is CRAZY right now and I am swamped beyond belief.
3.  I have regained some control on my eating (THANK GOD).
4.  Have been purging daily since the first snow storm over a week ago.  (sigh)

The support I get from reading everyone's blog can not be overstated.  I am missing it LOADS right now but simply haven't the time to catch up yet.  I'll finish a big project in the next few days and hope to return and find out what everyone has been up to.

Be well and please take good care of yourselves!


10 February 2010

Who needs a treadmill...

Who needs a treadmill when you've got Snowmageddeon 2010!  I've burned tons of calories shoveling.


Power has been intermittent.  Today was another blizzard!

In the last 6 days we have received 50-60 inches of snow!!!

I've never seen anything like it.

I haven't been at work since last Thursday.

Seriously, it has been UNREAL.  The snow piled in our front yard is as tall as I am (I'm only 5'2.5")

I don't know how long the power will stay on.  Unfortunately I've been drinking and eating entirely too much since I've basically been trapped in the house.  Ugh.  I am dying for this shit to stop so that I can get back to my life.

Being home makes me fat.


MISS YOU GUYS!!  Send good vibes.  It is going to take some time to get life back to normal around here.  If I can post some pics later I will try.  It is an unbelievable sight.  There are snow drifts over 6 feet high and snow piles (from plowing) well over 10 feet!

Snowtorious B.I.G.
Snowpocalypse 2010

With love from a snowbunny in Maryland,


06 February 2010


Last night around 10pm M and I went outside.  It looked like this:

I woke up to this:

And here's a view out of our back door:

And here's a view looking across our neighbor's deck:

They are saying we got 20+ inches already and it is going to snow all day with an expectation for an additional 10 inches by midnight tonight.

At least we've still got power!

I'm going to make a strong pot of coffee and hop on the treadmill in case our luck wears out.

Be strong and stay lovely!

05 February 2010

And on the 5th day...she puked.


Sorry guys.  I couldn't keep it up (or down as the case may be).
As soon as I ate more than 500 calories, I purged.

I have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand I'm mad at myself.
On the other hand I am still pretty damn proud that I made it 4 days at all.

We are are expecting 20 to 30 inches of snow in the next 36 hours.
Yeah, I said 20 to 30 inches of snow!

They are calling it the 'Snowacalypse'.
Or Snowmageddeon.

So today I worked from home.
Worked out.
Decided to eat a few extra calories.
Started with a 300 cal green smoothie.
Which lead to some coffee filled with my favorite cinnamon hazelnut calorie-laden creamer.
Which lead to a half a cup of bar-b-que chex-mix.
Which lead to two more cups of bar-b-que chex mix.
Then a coke zero...

And then she puked ladies and gentlemen.
Oh yes, Mia hopped in the drivers seat and drove me straight to Purge City.

And now, I am stuck in the house for at least the next 36 hours with a husband that will sit downstairs and play video games as much as he can.  Of course, while he is down there I will sit up here with my computer living in relative isolation and try not to b/p the time away.

Ah well.  Could be worse right?
I may have lost this battle, not the damn war.

Deep breath.

I'm off to make a pitcher of vodka, light cranberry juice, and club soda.  :-)

Let the snowacalypse begin!!

And thanks for the amazing support this week ladies.  You all keep me going.
I refuse to give up on me.
I love you guys to bits.


04 February 2010

"Three days was the morning"

I walked in the bathroom this morning and said "fuck you" to my toilet.
I didn't miss it.
Mia was sitting on a little chair behind it,
just relaxing and filing her nails.
She grinned at me.
"You'll be back."
She stated.
"Fuck you too."
I responded
and promptly ignored her.


I feel gooooooooooood this morning ladies.
Shockingly good.  :D
I've awoke once again with a gloriously empty tummy and no lingering taste of the previous night's binge in the back of my throat.


I've been fasting during the day all of this week.  I make a low-cal smoothie when I get home before bed.  Last night I came home and made a small green smoothie:

1/2 cup low-fat vanilla kefir (it's like drinkable yogurt)
1.5 cups frozen blueberries
2 cups spinach (first blended with water)
Total = 212 cals

I really want to keep my smoothies as low cal as possible.  This one was a bit heavy on the blueberries and lighter on the vanilla kefir so the taste wasn't as sweet but it was still good and I felt satisfied afterward.

After the smoothie I spent some quality time with M for awhile and went to bed...purge free!  :)

I know as part of the challenge we are supposed to give our mid-week weight but I can't manage it.  I have serious scale phobia.  The scale makes me positively crazy.  I pretty much go by how my clothes are fitting.  If skirts are sliding off my hips then I'm happy.  I am just going to focus on not purging and hardcore restricting for now.  I'll try to muster up the strength to get on the scale once my current "status suit" looks too huge to wear.  And I'm getting close! I wore the ss-suit yesterday to work and realized that the skirt is hanging hilariously low on my hips.  But I don't care.  It feels good when my clothes start to fall off.     It reminds me that I'm shrinking.

I'm planning on fasting today as well.  We are gearing up for another big snow storm to start tomorrow morning.  They are predicting 12-20 more inches!  So M wants me to go grocery shopping tonight so that we don't have to venture out at all this weekend.  I am feeling pretty strong about the grocery shopping.  I know that I can buy enough low-cal stuff to  get me through the weekend.

The only thing is that the weekends are when I am prone to binge.  So is it wrong if I just plan a b/p for Saturday night?  I am wondering if that will make me feel like I have more control over it.  I mean, maybe I can get through today and Friday easier if I know that I can b/p on Saturday.  You think??

Fuck...I am just making excuses to justify my fucked up disorder.


I'm really proud of making it three days.
But I'm also getting kind of scared.

Does that make any sense??


03 February 2010

2 days free of the beast!


(let me just sit with that for a minute)...


I honestly have not gone two full days without purging (even liquids like sugary coffee!) since last September.

I am so happy about it that I could just cry.

okay...I am....brb...

(2 minutes later)

I feel silly.  Sitting here teary-eyed because I didn't puke for two days but oh, there are not words enough to express just how proud I am of that right now.  It feels like a pathetic thing to be proud of but I am.  Powerfully proud of myself.

The last few months have been just...horrid.  Purging daily.  Often multiple times.

Purging is such a visceral reflection of just how deeply I despise myself.  Yet there is this 'rush' that I sometimes get afterward.  I can't really explain it.

But these tears feel like a balm.  I suppose I need them.

Look, don't get me wrong.  Like most of us here I am riddled with the dichotomy of intensely hating myself (for eating) and strong love for myself (for not eating).  Healthy?  No.  But I am at least trying to face the odd truth of that love/hate passion for me.

Now, I also make full admission that not purging presently means pretty much not eating.  Again, is this a healthy trade off?  No.  But I'm fine with that too for now.  The purging is robbing my spirit much more than the restricting.

And I am not going to sit here and think that I've beat this thing and I'll never purge again.  Ha!  I will.  But today I feel a little stronger than yesterday.

Today I woke up to the pride of knowing I have put a hold on my beast for the last two days.

I will take that victory thankyouverymuch and raise my head high.

I did not purge yesterday.


:D !!

You guys are the most amazing human beings.  I am profoundly grateful for your support, encouragement, and each of your lovely blogs.



02 February 2010

this secret

I didn't purge yesterday!  Woot! :-D

Granted, I didn't really eat anything but hey...a victory is a victory right?

I fasted until I got home last night and then threw two frozen bananas and a half cup of yogurt into the blender for some "ice cream".  After eating that, I went to bed.  I'm going to put the calories between 200-300 total thus the day was a 'Win' in my book.

Today I am focused on fasting once again.  If I get hungry when I get home tonight I'm going to make sure it is just fruits and veg before bedtime.

I'm feeling good!

One thing did happen yesterday that I wanted to share with you guys...

One of my closest friends in the world texted me.  She was my only bridesmaid (my sister was my Maid of Honor). I love her to death but we seriously haven't talked in months because her life is so hectic. 

Anyway, she texted me to say that she missed me, which was sweet, and also to let me know that she is "getting fat again" and wanted some diet tips/advice/encouragement.  See, over the years I have become her diet guru.  She knows that there is nothing I haven't tried (short of surgery) to lose weight.  So she comes to me whenever she's packed on the pounds and I fill her in on whatever is working for me at the time.  I've even (totally illegally) shipped her prescription weight-loss meds. 

Other than you guys she is the only person in the world that has any real idea of all of the stuff I've done in the pursuit of weight loss.

However, the one thing I've never NEVER told anyone in my life directly is that I have an ED.

Now, of course an argument can be made that anyone paying attention could discern evidence of my ED behaviors but I've just never said it out loud.  I've never used the ana or mia words to describe my behavior even though I completely acknowledge that is what is going on.

But yesterday, I almost told her.

I put it in a text message response.

"Sure I can give you diet ideas if you want the insight of someone in the throes of an eating disorder."

Yeah, I typed that out.

But I didn't send it.  I had a fleeting moment where I wanted to.

A fleeting moment when I thought that maybe I should tell someone.

Maybe I should talk about it.

But I can't.  I just can't. 

I just want to be thin.

I need this secret for now.

I am not sure of who I would be without it.


01 February 2010


Thanks to R Harlow B there is a weight loss challenge on tap for this week.  She started it yesterday but I'm sure you can still participate.  Only rule is no purging.

Going an entire week without purging is something that I haven't done in a long long time but you know what?...

I am not going to purge this week.

Yeah, I said it.  :)

Come on girls...let's make this first week of February really count!

And quick update; my weekend was great gym-wise and lousy food-wise.  I woke up this morning with a physical and emotional hangover.  But I'm shaking it off.

I may stumble but I refuse to fall.