tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38916578024516385812024-02-19T04:46:51.162-05:00Control is the Goalmy journey to thinAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.comBlogger99125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-17961341154122172712012-07-27T12:51:00.001-04:002012-07-27T12:51:17.644-04:003 letters in 'Evil' are also in 'Deli'. Think about it.This morning was tough. In the last year I developed the awful habit of eating breakfast. Yes, I know people say, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." I call bullshit on that. When I am obese (and I seriously am!) breakfast is the worst meal of the day. Eating breakfast is like opening the floodgates of hunger and sweeping myself into the raging river of an out of control appetite. I can't stop! It's awful. I try to start healthy usually, oatmeal or some fruit, and then next thing I know it's two hours later and I'm scarfing down cookies and/or a bag of chips at my desk. *shudder* Just horrifying really. So breakfast is out. I'm done with it.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>My dear Breakfast, it's over. We're finished. I am breaking up with you.</i></div>
<div>
<i>And no...we cannot be friends.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Back to this morning and the aforementioned toughness... </div>
<div>
It sucks. I take the metro into the city and have to walk a quarter-mile to the office. Of course I work in the heart of DC and there are a million freaking food options in that brief walk. The worst being the new deli that they built, literally, right below my office! It's too goddamn easy.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is it sweltering outside A?</div>
<div>
Easy, just grab something at the deli. <span style="background-color: white;">It's close!</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is it freezing outside A?</div>
<div>
Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hungry this morning A?</div>
<div>
Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Want a snack this afternoon A?</div>
<div>
<div>
Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Oof. I swear. I wish I worked out in the suburbs in a huge industrial park with nothing around for miles. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I made it through the morning though. I got off the metro one stop early and walked 1.5miles into the office. It was hot and muggy but it felt damn good PLUS I was able to sashay my fat ass right on by the deli without a second glance! WIN. Eventually all of these little wins will get me to my goal. I will not give up. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Regaining control with food is doing wonders for so many other areas of my life. I didn't see it as a symptom before but it was. I have been much happier this week and I'm really getting excited about moving to the new house. We've been living in the townhouse for too long and the neighborhood has just got more ghetto over time. On Tuesday morning I was awoke at 5:30am to a freaking SWAT team pounding on the door of one of the houses across the court from ours! Seriously! They had on full body armor and were holding those big shield looking things. It was craziness. I think the neighbors kid sells drugs but I don't know. I stay out of people's business so they will stay the hell out of mine.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway, we are moving to the middle of the fucking woods, 5.5 acres of mostly trees and not many neighbors around. It's going to be so crazy but my husband is really really happy. I'm a little weirded out by the thought of it but at least well have privacy, a place for pets, and my husband can be naked on the deck. lol Yeah, I married a nudist. A naturally skinny super sexy nudist. FML. I never get naked. Not happenin'. Maybe if I get down to like 3% bodyfat...maybe...I would walk around nude...but probably not. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thankfully he loves my fat ass as is.</div>
<div>
However, I do not.</div>
<div>
So the answer can only be....no food until 3pm today...or maybe later.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Seriously, I swear that fucking deli downstairs is evil. Oof.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Believe in yourself ladies! I believe in you.</div>
<div>
xox,</div>
<div>
A</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-90608043773635215652012-07-26T11:36:00.001-04:002012-07-26T11:36:13.654-04:00Holeeeeeeshit!!I.Am.Back!<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't even know where to begin. The last year has been...well...FAIL. I think I've gained 50lbs. I don't know. I swear I haven't been on a scale since 2010. I am in so much denial it isn't even funny. I've gone up 3-4 sizes and I am sure that I must weigh over 200lbs. I don't know. I simply cannot face the scale. Nope. No way. I would slit my wrists if I saw the number and I can't do that. Gotta stay alive! So, I'm restricting again and sweet mamacita it feels <b>fantastic</b>! So I'm rolling with it. As for the rest of my life, here are the bullet points:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>-still working crappy job</li>
<li>-Hubby still awesome and sexy! (why is he with me?)</li>
<li>-we are buying a house at the end of September (so excited!)</li>
<li>-fat is me</li>
</ul>
<div>
Ooookay, that about wraps it up. Life is relatively good except that I'm fatter that fat but that is about to end. We are moving into the new house in a couple of months and hubs wants to have a big house warming party. I have been avoiding people for the last year because I have gained so much. It's been awful. Everytime there has been a gathering with our friends I have feigned illness. People are starting to think I don't like them but that's not it. I am just not liking me at the moment.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Seriously, 80% of the pounds gained in the last year have gone directly to my ass "do not pass Go, do not collect $200". Fuck. I just lost it. Really. It was scary. Something in me said "fuck it" and I ate without a care. All the time. Often compulsively. I said I loved myself enough to not care but I sooooooooooooo lied about that. I care. I'm fat and unhappy and it has got to stop. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, I'm back here, reading your blogs, looking for old friends, seeking out new ones. I want to get back in control. For the first time in a long time I feel alive. Yesterday, wasn't perfect but I didn't eat a thing until 3pm which is a MAJOR WIN for me. Especially when I was just eating all-day every-day and all-of-the-time! So far today it's been water and loads of tea. We have a staff lunch today in the conference room so I've ordered a salad which I can pick at. Things should be okay.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I missed this space and missed the camaraderie. I hope all you lovelies out there are doing well.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And don't eat!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
xox,</div>
<div>
A</div>Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-77655225915171047182011-05-06T09:51:00.001-04:002011-05-06T09:52:10.218-04:00Of kindnessMy deep gratitude to you all for the kind and thoughtful comments on my last post.<br />
You ladies are something special. Thank you.<br />
<br />
Q's sister has stabilized a bit. They've brought her blood pressure back up with medication but she is on dialysis until (and if) her kidneys start working again. She has two young sons that just want their Mom home for Mother's Day. It's heartbreaking.<br />
<br />
On a completely selfish note, my skirts are falling off of me. So there's that I guess.<br />
<br />
Keep those candles lit.<br />
<br />
xox,<br />
AAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-82667344389731715222011-05-05T09:30:00.001-04:002011-05-05T09:31:49.106-04:00Life...My friend's (she was my bridesmaid) only sister is dying from pancreatic cancer.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to say or do for her. I'm so terrible with this kind of thing.<br />
I feel so ashamed for my selfish focus when a wonderful young wife and mother is battling for her life.<br />
<br />
I am not a religious person.<br />
At most I'd describe myself as a cynical-leaning idealist. (horrible combination really)<br />
<br />
Alas, if I believed in prayer - I'd be on my knees right now.<br />
<br />
I'm simply not very hungry these days, physically or emotionally.<br />
<br />
-AAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-83066792842067292922011-04-28T16:30:00.002-04:002011-04-28T16:30:59.518-04:00I'm goodThe fasting week has gone really well.<br />
<br />
Work, however, has been a madhouse!<br />
<br />
Just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I'm feeling good and feeling slimmer! :)<br />
<br />
xox,<br />
AAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-33876414298477567392011-04-25T10:41:00.000-04:002011-04-25T10:41:52.629-04:00He suggested we fast!<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">O.M.G.</span></b><br />
<br />
My husband suggested that we fast together this week!!!<br />
<br />
I almost screamed with joy. :)<br />
<br />
Ok, here's what happened. You should know that M is one of those naturally athletic kind of guys. He's always been slim and muscular even when living on a diet of coca-cola and potato chips. He is one of those people with a naturally high metabolism and low body fat. It's sickening! Anyway, in the last year he has noticed a little bit of a tummy coming on him (the perils of getting older!) and he doesn't like it. He's not really the gym type so when he wants to lose a few pounds he just drops his calories.<br />
<br />
So last week he had to get a cavity filled and his mouth hurt so he didn't eat solid food for a couple of days. He lost a couple of pounds and when he mentioned it to me I did suggest that he at least drink protein shakes so that his high metabolism doesn't eat up his lean muscle mass. He liked that idea. I told him that I was thinking of doing a few days on protein shakes to get things moving along with my diet and then he turned and said the most beautiful sentence to me....<br />
<br />
"How about I join you and we have just protein shakes next week?"<br />
<br />
What?<br />
A liquid only fast with my husband next week??<br />
Why thank you, I think I will!<br />
<br />
There was already some good protein powder in the house and I went and bought the rest of the supplies for the week yesterday. I can't believe it! Liquids only for a whole week and hubby is on board!! I don't have to worry about cooking anything for him and can avoid all the solid food in the house without getting any weird looks.<br />
<br />
I made a big low-carb shake this morning with unsweetened vanilla almond milk (approximately 250 cals) and I don't plan to eat anything else today! If I am too hungry at bedtime tonight then I may make a small protein shake before bed.<br />
<br />
<u>This is going to be the best week ever!!</u><br />
<br />
Good luck to all.<br />
xoxo,<br />
A<br />
<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-40299428733605001322011-04-22T06:26:00.000-04:002011-04-22T06:26:25.339-04:00Strength via Fear?I don't have to go to the office. Yay! My boss, bless her heart, is letting me work from home this morning since the office closes at noon today and I have a ridiculous commute. It takes me almost 2 hours ONE WAY to get to work. My commute is without a doubt the bane of my existence. Thankfully my boss spared me the four hour round-trip commute for the 3.5 hours of office time I would have had. She has a good heart and I'm damn lucky to work for her.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless I really want to bail on my email this morning and instead head to the gym to kick my own ass with a couple of spin classes. Work is a pain. Instead I will wait until noon once the office is closed... but it is killing me! Several hours at the gym is what I crave. I should still be able to slip in a cardio class or two before M gets home this afternoon. <br />
<br />
I'm excited and nervous about working out. You would not believe how long it has been since I've been to the gym. I used to live there! I was a reliable fixture every morning. Now I'll be returning with my head down wearing fat sweatpants and "the t-shirt of shame". Oof. There really is no one to blame but me for this impending embarrassment.<br />
<br />
I deserve to feel this way.<br />
What the hell happened to me last year?<br />
Who was that masked man?!<br />
Gah, I'm so terrified that I will run into someone I know.<br />
<br />
I'm fat.<br />
<br />
Shit.<br />
<br />
My fear of the gym is matched only by my panic at the thought of facing the scale right now. I still haven't found the strength to step on that dreaded monster. My dread of seeing a high number is keeping my eating in check though. Fear can be a great motivator! I came in under 1000 calories yesterday. Still too much but a vast improvement from where I was just a few weeks ago. I feel so much stronger and happier, like I'm waking up from a bad dream. Empowered. M noted my upbeat mood last night but attributed it to the lovely weather we've had this week. I didn't bother to correct him but I know the truth...<br />
<br />
I am in control again.<br />
<br />
<b>And.It.Feels.Glorious.</b><br />
<br />
:)<br />
<br />
Of course life will always have its ups and downs; its good days and bad days, but I am going to try and remember how much better the world looks through this lens. <br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: red;">Control feels better than any food could ever taste.</span></i><br />
<br />
Annnnnnd on that note - I wish you all a lovely weekend!<br />
<br />
Stay strong ladies.<br />
xox,<br />
AAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-20760755209670994742011-04-20T13:53:00.002-04:002011-04-21T09:12:36.725-04:00She shoots, she....?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSpuPK50fqr-qliEH745StnYo6C3yoLDSj4DsiSyiuqbcqHYhhs6EPSZVQRuYDvXxiABYd2KpwNlHsdJnwgZ4iBZwQvsfp5x5FEC03rr9LsBtOlsVTEqcC7TC1owBqTW82hb6cXGgCYZQV/s1600/powerful+goal.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSpuPK50fqr-qliEH745StnYo6C3yoLDSj4DsiSyiuqbcqHYhhs6EPSZVQRuYDvXxiABYd2KpwNlHsdJnwgZ4iBZwQvsfp5x5FEC03rr9LsBtOlsVTEqcC7TC1owBqTW82hb6cXGgCYZQV/s320/powerful+goal.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I've never once hit my goal weight.<br />
Never.<br />
And I've been dieting off and on forever.<br />
My first serious diet experience was at 15.<br />
I was so disgustingly fat at that age that my Mom just took me to a place called The Diet Workshop and signed me up. They put me on a diet of 500 calories a day immediately. I don't even think they have places that put you on really low calorie diets like that anymore! <br />
Anyway - I lost like 13lbs in the first week! Oh - I was a TOTAL COW at 15. Seriously, like over 200lbs!!!!<br />
I was a walking atrocity.<br />
Totally craziness.<br />
I can hardly believe that I lived through my teens.<br />
<br />
Even then I had a goal and I lost a bunch of weight but never hit my goal.<br />
I still haven't to this day which is just so sad really.<br />
I'm a grown woman and still fighting this battle.<br />
Ugh.<br />
<br />
I've been on every diet in the world but honestly I was most successful when I lost myself in restricting and fasting. I guess that's why I am heading back down this road...but definitely avoiding that repulsive bitch mia this time. I hate mia.<br />
<br />
I refuse to let another year pass having not met my goal.<br />
I'm just so damned tired of being fat and even more tired of letting myself down.<br />
<br />
I do feel good today though! I can tell that I'm losing weight. I feel it. The sense of control is sooooooooo loverly! I am contemplating getting on the scale this weekend. Maybe.<br />
I am dying to know the number but I can't face the number I've gained.<br />
Maybe I'll just get through this month with some serious restricting and weigh myself for the first time on May 1st.<br />
yeah, that's it!<br />
May 1st.<br />
I wish like hell that I could lose 20lbs by then.<br />
<br />
Don't eat!<br />
<br />
xox,<br />
A<br />
<br />
*UPDATE* Per Kitty's question below my ultimate goal weight is 120. I'm 5'3" and told I have a "large frame"....FML.Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-52851933833553783692011-04-19T13:27:00.000-04:002011-04-19T13:27:23.963-04:00Regaining ControlI am not exactly sure that I understand what happened over the past year. I felt unbelievably dissatisfied with my life. Not what I would define as unhappy but definitely not happy. I felt restless and often miserable. I went to see a doctor and was assessed with ADD and prescribed Vyvanse. Though the Vyvanse helps my ADD I definitely have a history of abusing stimulants which I, of course, failed to mention to my doc. hmmm.....<br />
<br />
I'm rambling. I don't know what point I want to make about the last year except that I completely threw away my control over food and many other things in my life. It was weird. I can't figure out what made me feel such despair. My husband is awesome, my family is healthy and happy, and my job is a blessing. Am I just nutty?<br />
<br />
I feel like I don't deserve anything I have.<br />
hmmm....<br />
<br />
These last few weeks have felt like I am entering the shallow end of a warm pool. I'm walking in comfortably but with each step I realize I'm heading for the deep end...and I feel almost giddy even though I know I could drown.<br />
<br />
I sooooo have issues.<br />
<br />
I feel stronger though. My control is returning and frankly this is the happiest I've felt in AGES! I know I'm heading toward the deep end but I wonder if I can just stop when the water gets up to my neck. <br />
<br />
Maybe I can.<br />
But maybe I won't want to.<br />
<br />
hmmm...Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-24316386338626246512011-04-18T15:50:00.000-04:002011-04-18T15:50:03.751-04:00I remember this feeling.Hello lovely ladies! (And of course I remember you Peri!! :) I'm going to head over and do my best to catch up on your blog.) <br />
<br />
The weekend was good. Survived mostly on green smoothies except for a small bowl of brown rice and beef last night for dinner with M. I kept my appetite down with a couple of 'extra' doses of my ADD meds. Those things are GREAT for killing my appetite if I take a little extra. I know that's not the best thing to do but I needed to get through this first weekend. And I did it! I'm pretty proud of myself considering my habits of the last year in particular.<br />
<br />
Thus far today:<br />
B - 250cals Green Smoothie w/kale, spinach, low cal OJ, frozen fruit mix<br />
L - 100cals Thai Chicken Soup<br />
Snack - 100cals Baby carrots/handful of M&Ms<br />
plus lots of water and green tea. <br />
<br />
M & I will probably eat the beef and rice leftovers and I may make some lima beans. (I LOVE lima beans!) I'm pretty sure I can get through the day under 1000 cals.<br />
<br />
I still haven't weighed myself.<br />
I'm seriously terrified.<br />
<br />
I'm fat.<br />
oof<br />
<br />
xox,<br />
AAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-10717906314912862642011-04-15T09:49:00.001-04:002011-04-15T10:18:51.948-04:00Once more, with feeling!<b>Exhibit A: My fat ass.</b><br />
<b>Exhibit B: My blog.</b><br />
<b>Exhibit C: My empty bank account.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Verdict: The defendant is hereby remanded to the EDNOS Online Penitary until she is no longer a fattie. There will be no consideration for time served.</b><br />
<br />
Sooooooo yeah, I'm here. Once again. Fat and ashamed mostly- yet oddly excited and energized.<br />
Surely signs of my sickness but whatevs.<br />
<br />
The good news is I am still married to a wonderful and ridiculously sexy man that has put up with my weight gain and irrational mood swings. I truly do not know what I ever did to deserve him.<br />
<br />
The bad news is that I have put on at least 20lbs over the last year. I don't know the number for sure because I simply cannot bear to get on the scale. Nevertheless the fact that I hardly have any clothing that fits tells the tale quite clearly.<br />
<br />
The worse news is that I am broke. Yes, I am married and he makes a very good living but I am still stubbornly independent when it comes to money. We split things and I never ask him to pay any of my personal bills or expenses. Last year I played a little fast and lose with my funds and went out a lot, bought a ton of shoes (craziness!), and took him on two vacations that I honestly could not afford. The tax bill just came in and we're on the hook for several thousand dollars which is my responsibility to pay. (He pays the big bills like the mortgage plus takes care of our savings AND his union contract is up in August so they may go on strike....ugh! I'll cover all that in a later post for those interested.)<br />
<br />
Anywhooooo....It basically leaves me broke. Seriously. Like I have a couple hundred bucks to live on a month for probably the remainder of the year.<br />
<br />
The good news - no $$ means no lunches with the fat babes at the office and no funds for happy hour binges with the girls. :)<br />
<br />
The bad news - no more shoes! :( :( :(<br />
<br />
I have been perusing the blogs and so much has changed and so many have moved on. I am incredibly embarrassed to return at all but I need some strength to lose this weight (and some). <br />
Plus, you guys are a lovely lot. I look forward to becoming reacquainted!<br />
<br />
Today (plan):<br />
8 fish oil pills - 81 cals<br />
Baby carrots and low sodium tomato soup (lunch) = 250<br />
Green smoothie - kale, OJ, strawberries (dinner) = 300<br />
unlimited water and green tea<br />
<br />
I can't get these thunder thighs to the gym today but I plan on exhausting myself on an elliptical machine first thing tomorrow morning.<br />
<br />
xox,<br />
AAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-8472495888039168382010-12-28T15:13:00.000-05:002010-12-28T15:13:18.205-05:00baby steps300 cals? 32oz green smoothie; kale-vanilla almond milk-2 frozen bananas<br />
120 cals 2 korean pears<br />
<b>lots </b>of water<br />
<br />
i am fat and miserable...but i'm trying.<br />
...baby steps....Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-34150802743194937972010-10-29T11:40:00.000-04:002010-10-29T11:40:45.133-04:00W.T.F?Um yeah. I'm back.<br />
<br />
[cue appropriate music for sheepish return and additional 10lbs to despise]<br />
<br />
So um, yeahhh.....<br />
<br />
My husband's 40th birthday (say what you want but he's a total fucking HOTTIE!!) is the first week of December and what am I doing for him you ask??<br />
<br />
We're going to a "clothing optional" adult resort in Jamaica. <br />
<br />
Yes, my husband is a nudist. And he totally can be. He's HOT.<br />
<br />
I, on the other hand, am not. I love naked people though. They are awesome. I just can't do it. However I did buy 5 new bikinis for the trip which would be good except that I am 10lbs heavier than I was last time I was here.<br />
<br />
I would like to tell everyone that I've matured and will not starve myself for the next month.<br />
I would like to believe that I am comfortable in my own skin because my husbands loves me just as I am.<br />
I would like to think that I don't need to do anything extreme to lose this weight before the trip.<br />
<br />
I would also like to win the lottery.<br />
<br />
Anywhoo I'm here. <br />
I haven't eaten a thing today and I am not going to.<br />
<br />
It has been MONTHS since I fasted.<br />
<b>Bring on the hungry! Woot!</b><br />
<br />
[cue celebratory music and picture victorious air fist pump!]<br />
<br />
<i>wish me luck!</i><br />
<i>I've missed the blogs.</i><br />
<i>I'm going to see what is going on in the cyberworld out there.</i><br />
<i>Hope you guys are ok. xoxox</i>Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-27440068212603660292010-02-16T14:52:00.000-05:002010-02-16T14:52:34.515-05:00Quick post1. I am alive.<br />
2. Working in DC is CRAZY right now and I am swamped beyond belief.<br />
3. I have regained some control on my eating (THANK GOD).<br />
4. Have been purging daily since the first snow storm over a week ago. (sigh)<br />
5. MISS YOU GUYS.<br />
<br />
The support I get from reading everyone's blog can not be overstated. I am missing it LOADS right now but simply haven't the time to catch up yet. I'll finish a big project in the next few days and hope to return and find out what everyone has been up to.<br />
<br />
Be well and please take good care of yourselves!<br />
<br />
xoxox,<br />
A<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-68486949823324519302010-02-10T18:11:00.001-05:002010-02-10T18:12:57.092-05:00Who needs a treadmill...Who needs a treadmill when you've got Snowmageddeon 2010! I've burned tons of calories shoveling.<br />
<br />
<b>INSANITY</b>.<br />
<br />
Power has been intermittent. <i><b>Today was another blizzard!</b></i><br />
<br />
In the last 6 days we have received <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">50-60 inches</span> of snow!!!<br />
<br />
I've never seen anything like it.<br />
<br />
I haven't been at work since last Thursday.<br />
<br />
Seriously, it has been UNREAL. The snow piled in our front yard is as tall as I am (I'm only 5'2.5")<br />
<br />
I don't know how long the power will stay on. Unfortunately I've been drinking and eating entirely too much since I've basically been trapped in the house. Ugh. I am dying for this shit to stop so that I can get back to my life.<br />
<br />
Being home makes me fat.<br />
<br />
Gah!<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><b>MISS YOU GUYS!!</b></span> Send good vibes. It is going to take some time to get life back to normal around here. If I can post some pics later I will try. It is an unbelievable sight. There are snow drifts over 6 feet high and snow piles (from plowing) well over 10 feet!<br />
<br />
Snowtorious B.I.G.<br />
Snowpocalypse 2010<br />
Snowtastrope!<br />
<br />
With love from a snowbunny in Maryland,<br />
A<br />
<br />
xoxoxoxoxoxoxAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-88339399325941382002010-02-06T08:05:00.002-05:002010-02-06T11:18:39.757-05:00snOMG!Last night around 10pm M and I went outside. It looked like this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv1JLZVfRX0RZGY5XhR-IMnD8BLkwaDx5o32ytPAaXhdkiOAK_PPWRObb6XNqmzcHg1oUVkfVqLB8oJeiGlfTDuev4LnJO05ObHpG71ckrQhq9xZF4EPk5XYS9Z4DgbYeYpVL9Vip7glxT/s1600-h/P2050104.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv1JLZVfRX0RZGY5XhR-IMnD8BLkwaDx5o32ytPAaXhdkiOAK_PPWRObb6XNqmzcHg1oUVkfVqLB8oJeiGlfTDuev4LnJO05ObHpG71ckrQhq9xZF4EPk5XYS9Z4DgbYeYpVL9Vip7glxT/s320/P2050104.JPG" /></a></div><br />
I woke up to this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpVgfanCGw8SKfQC6s_pt7WCgHQfmVOFK1jSSJR2-Q85NZRzKp2p-X8xSRptOhdo-FX-skC_c04LidzvsV6KjScKdg-TPwVzOsYr1BrhnmnQKSD7TX53XLuF4L2GgQ4vxAb43ZWP1y5KOC/s1600-h/P2060112.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpVgfanCGw8SKfQC6s_pt7WCgHQfmVOFK1jSSJR2-Q85NZRzKp2p-X8xSRptOhdo-FX-skC_c04LidzvsV6KjScKdg-TPwVzOsYr1BrhnmnQKSD7TX53XLuF4L2GgQ4vxAb43ZWP1y5KOC/s320/P2060112.JPG" /></a></div><br />
And here's a view out of our back door:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBFwkVB9NUprdAYE5C_CyacPyGmLFg-g0wpKPnQAggSa30MwGDly08rJTmkLC0Tg2lpIC6BeTPA8j7vluXIvUVXJ5pcN0TRD36Ot2sXHXE6jLZ7Vqzw6xFUPZYeHYQWnXXrweeLntCNb3n/s1600-h/P2060109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBFwkVB9NUprdAYE5C_CyacPyGmLFg-g0wpKPnQAggSa30MwGDly08rJTmkLC0Tg2lpIC6BeTPA8j7vluXIvUVXJ5pcN0TRD36Ot2sXHXE6jLZ7Vqzw6xFUPZYeHYQWnXXrweeLntCNb3n/s320/P2060109.JPG" /></a></div><br />
And here's a view looking across our neighbor's deck:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG7if5ydTc3U4RuLprjEZCOz9Fq0hK0t1vTx8XjeWvzzsaioal-tQg9eAuuFIQWukblqk-_meyK0MBXuscEP8dR9hHhJ91Rgdj-V00AUhyphenhyphenJcWBjibTfJR6HhcKUt3pDsWobzXk8j38qbib/s1600-h/P2060110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG7if5ydTc3U4RuLprjEZCOz9Fq0hK0t1vTx8XjeWvzzsaioal-tQg9eAuuFIQWukblqk-_meyK0MBXuscEP8dR9hHhJ91Rgdj-V00AUhyphenhyphenJcWBjibTfJR6HhcKUt3pDsWobzXk8j38qbib/s320/P2060110.JPG" /></a></div><br />
They are saying we got 20+ inches already and it is going to snow all day with an expectation for an additional 10 inches by midnight tonight.<br />
<br />
At least we've still got power!<br />
<br />
I'm going to make a strong pot of coffee and hop on the treadmill in case our luck wears out.<br />
<br />
Be strong and stay lovely!<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-30971673451484946812010-02-05T17:50:00.000-05:002010-02-05T17:50:05.249-05:00And on the 5th day...she puked.*sigh*<br />
<br />
Sorry guys. I couldn't keep it up (or <i>down </i>as the case may be). <br />
As soon as I ate more than 500 calories, I purged.<br />
<br />
I have mixed feelings about it.<br />
<br />
On the one hand I'm mad at myself.<br />
On the other hand I am still pretty damn proud that I made it 4 days at all.<br />
<br />
We are are expecting 20 to 30 inches of snow in the next 36 hours.<br />
Yeah, I said <b>20 to 30 inches of snow</b>!<br />
<br />
They are calling it the 'Snowacalypse'.<br />
Or Snowmageddeon.<br />
<br />
So today I worked from home.<br />
Worked out.<br />
Decided to eat a few extra calories.<br />
Started with a 300 cal green smoothie.<br />
Which lead to some coffee filled with my favorite cinnamon hazelnut calorie-laden creamer.<br />
Which lead to a half a cup of bar-b-que chex-mix.<br />
Which lead to two more cups of bar-b-que chex mix.<br />
Then a coke zero...<br />
<br />
And then she puked ladies and gentlemen.<br />
Oh yes, Mia hopped in the drivers seat and drove me straight to Purge City.<br />
<br />
And now, I am stuck in the house for at least the next 36 hours with a husband that will sit downstairs and play video games as much as he can. Of course, while he is down there I will sit up here with my computer living in relative isolation and try not to b/p the time away.<br />
<br />
Ah well. Could be worse right?<br />
I may have lost this battle, not the damn war.<br />
<br />
Okay. <br />
Deep breath.<br />
<br />
I'm off to make a pitcher of vodka, light cranberry juice, and club soda. :-)<br />
<br />
<b>Let the snowacalypse begin!!</b><br />
<br />
And thanks for the amazing support this week ladies. You all keep me going.<br />
I refuse to give up on me.<br />
I love you guys to bits.<br />
<br />
xoxoxox,<br />
A<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-35122259883826488932010-02-04T05:33:00.003-05:002010-02-04T05:58:25.096-05:00"Three days was the morning"I walked in the bathroom this morning and said "fuck you" to my toilet. <br />
I didn't miss it.<br />
Mia was sitting on a little chair behind it,<br />
just relaxing and filing her nails.<br />
She grinned at me.<br />
"You'll be back."<br />
She stated.<br />
"Fuck you too."<br />
I responded<br />
and promptly ignored her.<br />
<br />
____________________________<br />
<br />
I feel gooooooooooood this morning ladies.<br />
Shockingly good. :D<br />
I've awoke once again with a gloriously empty tummy and no lingering taste of the previous night's binge in the back of my throat.<br />
<br />
Yes!<br />
<br />
I've been fasting during the day all of this week. I make a low-cal smoothie when I get home before bed. Last night I came home and made a small green smoothie:<br />
<br />
1/2 cup low-fat vanilla kefir (it's like drinkable yogurt)<br />
1.5 cups frozen blueberries<br />
2 cups spinach (first blended with water)<br />
Total = 212 cals<br />
<br />
I really want to keep my smoothies as low cal as possible. This one was a bit heavy on the blueberries and lighter on the vanilla kefir so the taste wasn't as sweet but it was still good and I felt satisfied afterward.<br />
<br />
After the smoothie I spent some quality time with M for awhile and went to bed...purge free! :)<br />
<br />
I know as part of the challenge we are supposed to give our mid-week weight but I can't manage it. I have serious scale phobia. The scale makes me positively crazy. I pretty much go by how my clothes are fitting. If skirts are sliding off my hips then I'm happy. I am just going to focus on not purging and hardcore restricting for now. I'll try to muster up the strength to get on the scale once my current "status suit" looks too huge to wear. And I'm getting close! I wore the ss-suit yesterday to work and realized that the skirt is hanging hilariously low on my hips. But I don't care. It feels good when my clothes start to fall off. It reminds me that I'm shrinking. <br />
<br />
I'm planning on fasting today as well. We are gearing up for another big snow storm to start tomorrow morning. They are predicting 12-20 more inches! So M wants me to go grocery shopping tonight so that we don't have to venture out at all this weekend. I am feeling pretty strong about the grocery shopping. I know that I can buy enough low-cal stuff to get me through the weekend.<br />
<br />
The only thing is that the weekends are when I am prone to binge. So is it wrong if I just plan a b/p for Saturday night? I am wondering if that will make me feel like I have more control over it. I mean, maybe I can get through today and Friday easier if I know that I can b/p on Saturday. You think?? <br />
<br />
Fuck...I am just making excuses to justify my fucked up disorder.<br />
<br />
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.<br />
<br />
I'm really proud of making it three days.<br />
But I'm also getting kind of scared.<br />
<br />
Does that make any sense??<br />
<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-84189979721925692772010-02-03T05:29:00.001-05:002010-02-03T05:31:04.549-05:002 days free of the beast!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">I.DID.NOT.PURGE.YESTERDAY.</span><br />
<br />
(let me just sit with that for a minute)...<br />
<br />
:D<br />
<br />
I honestly have not gone two full days without purging (even liquids like sugary coffee!) since last September.<br />
<br />
I am so happy about it that I could just cry.<br />
<br />
okay...I am....brb...<br />
<br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">(2 minutes later)</span></i><br />
<br />
I feel silly. Sitting here teary-eyed because I didn't puke for two days but oh, there are not words enough to express just how proud I am of that right now. It feels like a pathetic thing to be proud of but I am. Powerfully proud of myself.<br />
<br />
The last few months have been just...horrid. Purging daily. Often multiple times.<br />
<br />
Purging is such a visceral reflection of just how deeply I despise myself. Yet there is this 'rush' that I sometimes get afterward. I can't really explain it.<br />
<br />
But these tears feel like a balm. I suppose I need them.<br />
<br />
Look, don't get me wrong. Like most of us here I am riddled with the dichotomy of intensely hating myself (for eating) and strong love for myself (for not eating). Healthy? No. But I am at least trying to face the odd truth of that love/hate passion for me.<br />
<br />
Now, I also make full admission that not purging presently means pretty much not eating. Again, is this a healthy trade off? No. But I'm fine with that too for now. The purging is robbing my spirit much more than the restricting.<br />
<br />
And I am not going to sit here and think that I've beat this thing and I'll never purge again. Ha! I will. But today I feel a little stronger than yesterday.<br />
<br />
Today I woke up to the pride of knowing I have put a hold on my beast for the last two days.<br />
<br />
I will take that victory thankyouverymuch and raise my head high.<br />
<br />
I did not purge yesterday.<br />
<br />
<b>I.did.not.purge.</b><br />
<br />
:D !!<br />
<br />
You guys are the most amazing human beings. I am profoundly grateful for your support, encouragement, and each of your lovely blogs.<br />
<br />
xoxoxox,<br />
A<br />
<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-3639905904411579562010-02-02T11:04:00.000-05:002010-02-02T11:04:26.794-05:00this secret<b>I didn't purge yesterday!</b> Woot! :-D<br />
<br />
Granted, I didn't really eat anything but hey...a victory is a victory right?<br />
<br />
I fasted until I got home last night and then threw two frozen bananas and a half cup of yogurt into the blender for some "ice cream". After eating that, I went to bed. I'm going to put the calories between 200-300 total thus the day was a 'Win' in my book.<br />
<br />
Today I am focused on fasting once again. If I get hungry when I get home tonight I'm going to make sure it is just fruits and veg before bedtime.<br />
<br />
I'm feeling good!<br />
<br />
One thing did happen yesterday that I wanted to share with you guys...<br />
<br />
One of my closest friends in the world texted me. She was my only bridesmaid (my sister was my Maid of Honor). I love her to death but we seriously haven't talked in months because her life is so hectic. <br />
<br />
Anyway, she texted me to say that she missed me, which was sweet, and also to let me know that she is "getting fat again" and wanted some diet tips/advice/encouragement. See, over the years I have become her diet guru. She knows that there is nothing I haven't tried (short of surgery) to lose weight. So she comes to me whenever she's packed on the pounds and I fill her in on whatever is working for me at the time. I've even (totally illegally) shipped her prescription weight-loss meds. <br />
<br />
Other than you guys she is the only person in the world that has any real idea of all of the stuff I've done in the pursuit of weight loss.<br />
<br />
However, the one thing I've never NEVER told anyone in my life directly is that I have an ED.<br />
<br />
Now, of course an argument can be made that anyone paying attention could discern evidence of my ED behaviors but I've just never said it out loud. I've never used the ana or mia words to describe my behavior even though I completely acknowledge that is what is going on.<br />
<br />
But yesterday, I almost told her.<br />
<br />
I put it in a text message response.<br />
<br />
"Sure I can give you diet ideas if you want the insight of someone in the throes of an eating disorder."<br />
<br />
Yeah, I typed that out.<br />
<br />
But I didn't send it. I had a fleeting moment where I wanted to.<br />
<br />
A fleeting moment when I thought that maybe I should tell someone.<br />
<br />
Maybe I should talk about it.<br />
<br />
But I can't. I just can't. <br />
<br />
I just want to be thin.<br />
<br />
I need this secret for now.<br />
<br />
I am not sure of who I would be without it.<br />
<br />
Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-41671839761926729372010-02-01T05:40:00.001-05:002010-02-01T05:41:45.344-05:00Challenge!Thanks to <a href="http://harlowthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/">R Harlow B</a> there is a weight loss <a href="http://harlowthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/2010/01/update-challenge.html">challenge </a>on tap for this week. She started it yesterday but I'm sure you can still participate. Only rule is no purging.<br />
<br />
Going an entire week without purging is something that I haven't done in a long long time but you know what?...<br />
<br />
<b>I am not going to purge this week.</b><br />
<br />
Yeah, I said it. :)<br />
<br />
Come on girls...let's make this first week of February really count!<br />
<br />
And quick update; my weekend was great gym-wise and lousy food-wise. I woke up this morning with a physical and emotional hangover. But I'm shaking it off.<br />
<br />
I may stumble but I refuse to fall.<br />
<br />
xoxoxAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-66764889594329447542010-01-29T06:32:00.000-05:002010-01-29T06:32:17.809-05:00UnseenSometimes I'm aware of my invisibility.<br />
People lay their sight upon me but look right through.<br />
I don't know that anyone has ever taken in a full view.<br />
I don't think that even I have shone light in every corner of my space.<br />
<br />
And yet we know we are here.<br />
We feel.<br />
We laugh.<br />
We push.<br />
We love.<br />
We carve out these cyberspaces and pour out what we've been carrying.<br />
We express.<br />
We confess.<br />
We rant.<br />
We reveal.<br />
<br />
Still, I walk around feeling invisible<br />
And I don't know if it is because I can not be seen<br />
Or that I consciously want to be unseen.<br />
<br />
_____________________________<br />
<br />
I am actually in a better mood today my friends, just feeling reflective. My workouts have been exhausting which is good. I'm terrified of the scale but I think I may step on it this weekend. I'll keep you posted.<br />
<br />
You ladies...well, you're just awesome-sauce! The kindness, thoughtfulness, love, and support you all give to me so freely is something I treasure as much as the air that I breathe. <b>Thank you.</b><br />
<br />
I'm not at all hungry this morning so I'm going to put off eating for as long as possible...hopefully all day!<br />
<br />
Boo Food.<br />
Yay Me!<br />
<br />
xoxoxox :)Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-12239814671011835112010-01-27T09:12:00.000-05:002010-01-27T09:12:27.525-05:00January sucks.This is the hardest part of the year for me.<br />
I suffer from S.A.D.(Seasonal Affective Disorder)<br />
What that basically means is that the state of my mood is directly related to the amount of sunlight to which I am exposed. Thus, during the winter months when there is less sunlight available (and I see virtually none of it due to my office job and work schedule) my mood falls lower and lower. It is never a good time of year for me.<br />
<br />
Last year, after avoiding the suggestion since my teens, I finally broke down and bought a full spectrum “sun lamp” that I sit in front of for 15 minutes up to two hours a day. It helps and I would never live without one now but it still doesn’t make all of the SAD symptoms go away.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I am finding myself in that sullen/depressed/temperamental space again this year but I’m trying harder to fight my way out. <br />
<br />
Exercise helps.<br />
Spiritual reflection helps.<br />
And unfortunately b/p is a crutch that gets me through as well.<br />
<br />
Yeah, so I b/p’d last night.<br />
Me, four slices of pizza, and two glasses of wine spent a little time together.<br />
It could have been worse but I count that fact as the slimmest of victories.<br />
<br />
But I digress…<br />
<br />
I feel utterly lonely these days.<br />
My family is in Michigan.<br />
I have only one friend who lives in the area and she is busy with a budding career, two sons, a bi-polar ex-husband, and a fiancé.<br />
<br />
M is the most wonderful husband in the world but I find myself getting irritable in his mere presence and unable to tell him at all how I am feeling.<br />
<br />
My sister, my best friend, is back in Michigan and struggling to watch her chosen career industry die (newspaper journalism), support the co-workers that she loves and has worked with for over a decade, and raise my beautiful niece and nephew. She is a rock to so many of her others friends that are struggling with life issues that I just don’t want to put anymore on her plate of woes. So I don’t tell her anything either.<br />
<br />
My mom is an amazing woman who now in her 60s is finally taking care of herself, her health, and having the time of her life providing full-time daycare for my niece and nephew. She also has 9 (yes, you read that right) sisters who are in various stages of life that she laughs with and counsels with constantly. I don’t want her worry about me.<br />
<br />
Those people are all I’ve got really and I feel tremendous guilty if any of them think for even a moment that I am unhappy so I put on the smiley face, listen to all the things that are going on in their lives and keep my mouth shut about the demons screeching in my skull.<br />
<br />
The result?<br />
<br />
I feel hollow and alone and like a burden.<br />
<br />
Then this morning as I’m driving to the train I hear a story on NPR about people in Haiti struggling to survive without shelter and food.<br />
<br />
Without food.<br />
<br />
Families struggling to give whatever food they can find to their children, neighbors joining together to feed the elderly survivors, children who have lost all of their family members….<br />
<br />
And I feel even more guilt for being so selfish and narcissistic as to throw up pizza last night and worrying about a few calories when there are those who have nothing.<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
<br />
Ugh. I’m sorry for this morose post girls.<br />
<br />
I obviously need a lot more coffee...and probably to get laid asap. lol<br />
<br />
Bottom line: If I didn’t have you guys, I don’t know what I’d do.<br />
<br />
Stay lovely.<br />
xoxoxoxoxAfricanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-8402366537514062242010-01-25T09:57:00.000-05:002010-01-25T09:57:17.293-05:00ManiaI had a lousy weekend. It was the end of a week long terrible mood. Although my eating wasn't too terrible, it was far from stellar.<br />
<br />
Plus, on Saturday night I stayed home and sulked which was not good. M and I were invited to a party that I really wanted to attend but there was a good chance that J (the one who shafted me for thousands of dollars over the car I "sold" her) was going to be there and I know that if I was to see here, especially if alcohol was involved, that I probably would have drop kicked her ugly ass on sight.<br />
<br />
So yeah, I stayed home and M went without me.<br />
<br />
I was pissed.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I really hate people.<br />
<br />
sigh.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the only good thing that came out of my sullen mood this weekend was the drive I took to the gym.<br />
<br />
I fucking worked out like a CHAMP this weekend on Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was the best! I spent 4 hours at the gym which ended with the most intense spinning class I've ever conquered. It was a new teacher and he was brutal. I fucking loved every minute of it as I cursed his soul to hell with each twist of the gears.<br />
<br />
I am sore as hell today...and oh so very happy. Like, ridiculously happy!<br />
<br />
I feel a round of exercise mania coming on and me likey!!<br />
<br />
I go through periods of exercise mania several times a year. <b> It's awesome.</b> I can't stay out of the gym. Sometimes I'll workout before work, at lunch, and after work. I don't know what brings them on or why I can't seem to maintain them forever. It usually lasts 6-10 weeks and I just ride the wave to weight loss and a better looking ass. :)<br />
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I couldn't hit the gym this morning because I had to be in the office early but the gym bag is packed and I'm planning on spending a couple of hours there tonight. I can't wait!<br />
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Plus, today is a fasting day which I think think I can handle. I've brought a protein shake just in case I need a little something before I workout but I'm going to try to avoid it if I can. I want to end this day with no/little calories in and many many calories burned.<br />
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And I'm seriously considering taking a "sick day" tomorrow and spending the day at the gym.<br />
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How fucking awesome would that be?<br />
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Stay lovely ladies!!Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3891657802451638581.post-22260920804693373402010-01-22T05:03:00.000-05:002010-01-22T05:03:51.026-05:00EmptyThanks for bearing with me and yesterday's post ladies. My mood has been for shit this week. I am feeling better this morning though. Mostly because my stomach is delightfully empty and it's Friday. Good riddance to a shitty week!<br />
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I plan on fasting today. No green smoothies or protein shakes. Just water and maybe a cup of coffee or two.<br />
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I desperately need the empty.Africanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04376637152395042588noreply@blogger.com4