14 October 2009

Meditating on Madness

Can you love yourself and still have an ED?

Or are the two things diametrically opposed?

Seriously. I want to know.

For the last few weeks I've been listening to a podcast from a buddhist teacher. She is awesome. I am not a buddhist and knew very little about it until I found her stuff on iTunes. Anyway, I'm vibing with it. Much of what she says makes a lot of sense plus I wanted to learn more about meditation because I need to slow my hyper ass mind waaaaaaaaaay down. Even more interesting is that the meditation center she founded is right here in DC and is apparently pretty famous in spiritual circles. I'm too chicken to go there in person but who knows, maybe I will one day.

But here is the real kicker, I finally just did a more thorough google search on her and found this on her wikipedia page:

Tara Brach received a doctorate in clinical psychology from the Fielding Graduate University in Santa Barbara, California. She wrote a dissertation analyzing how individuals with eating disorders can utilize meditation as a healing technique.

How crazy is that?! I knew that I liked her talks but I had no idea why they resonated so much with me. Apparently she knows how to talk to our kind!

So weird coincidences aside, I go back to my original question;

Can you love yourself and have an eating disorder?

Is it wrong that I hope I could do both successfully? I mean, I want to love myself and be "healthy" (whatever the fuck that means) but I don't want to give up my ED behaviors. Who am I without my addictive personality and frantic mind? Is it possible to find a balance between the two that allows me to be happy some of the time and also lets me seriously restrict?

I don't know.

The fact that I'm even asking this question is surely a clear testament to my questionable mental health.

Oh well.

Thus far today only a cup of coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk (lower carbs!) and a dash of sweet 'n low.

And I'm feeling fine!

Starve on.


  1. You're baaaaaccckkk!

    This makes me totally, selfishly, deliriously happy. Of course, there's undoubtedly more than a bit of post-binge/purge euphoria thrown in there ("Why yes, I do believe I WILL have the entire contents of the candy machine with a side of sprite zero for lunch followed by half an hour in the ladies', thank you!") but... you're baaaaaccckkk!


  2. Ana IS loving yourself, in your own way. People struggle for years to find something that allows them to love themselves. Congratulate yourself. :) Love and strength, T.

  3. A few months ago I might have said "heck yeah", but in retrospect, reflecting on all of the self-hate and loathing I feel when I binge or fail at a fast or go over my set intake for the day, I'm not so sure. If self-love is to be defined as excepting yourself for who you are, doesn't having an ED then directly contradict that principle? I don't think its selfish of you to want them both, I'm just questioning whether its in fact possible to have them at the same time.