04 June 2009

Still fighting it

First, I really can't express how very much I appreciate the kind words and encouragement from you ladies. I find you all to be some of the most amazing, insightful, compassionate, and intelligent people I've ever come across. That is what drew me to reading all of your blogs and ultimately starting this pitiful one of my own. You guys really are something quite special. I can't say that enough.

Thanks. :)

And so...I haven't written much lately because I feel like I'm on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. My eating has been all over the place but I haven't gained so that is good. I have been working out aggressively and thus have lost a few inches from my hips, thighs, and waist. This consoles me. Nevertheless I have become so anxious about the wedding (June 27 is the big day.) that I feel like I'm crumbling around the edges of my mind.

My moods fluctuate rapidly. I am drinking more. I have had to start taking sedatives at night so that I can sleep. I can't focus at work. I'm bitchy to my fiance. It is a lot of not-good stuff.

What sucks the most is that there is no one in my life that I can talk to about this stuff. Everyone just brushes me off like I'm over-reacting or being 'dramatic'. I feel like an idiot so I shut up and keep everything inside and now I feel like my edges are fraying.

Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my fiance. He is my Yin. It's just that I am dreading this wedding. I hate my body so much that it almost trumps everything else. Gah! I don't know. I'm feeling like an idiot for even talking about it. It's my wedding for chrissake. I should just be happy.

/end whine

Anyway, I had a great workout this morning. I only brought a grapefruit to work so I'll have that for lunch. I intend to sleep through dinner.

Now, to answer PrettyWreck's brilliant SC 2009 Challenge Question 3:


Immediate Answer: Because I have to.

I just have to.

Look, I've spent my entire life...repeat: ENTIRE LIFE...fat.

I have only ever seen the world through the lens of a fat girl. And let me confirm something here and now...


Anyone who says different is a liar. Period.

Sure, there are those out there who are comfortable with their bodies at any size. Bully for them! But if they try to tell you that it doesn't matter and it doesn't affect their life they are telling a bold-faced, full-of-shit, living-in-a-fucking-fantasy-world LIE.

Now, of course there are far worse things then being fat. I acknowledge that. Nevertheless, in my life it has been the single greatest hindrance. Far more then even my race has shaped my life. (At the crux of all of this is being female but I don't even want to get into deeper thoughts on that or this post will go on forever.)

The bottom line is that I REFUSE to live my entire life as the fat girl. I will not do it. I can not do it. Being thin went from being a desire to morphing into a necessity. I have to prove this to myself. It is the sum total of a life-long list of hurdles I've overcome.

I got the college degree.
I got a good job.
I found a wonderful life partner.

Now, I have to be thin.

I'm not having kids so this pretty much feels like my last big personal challenge. It's do or die.

I have to be thin...or die trying.


  1. Welcome back dear.And don't feel down. You know that you can always talk to us. And now I'm going to be a hypocrite by telling you to try not to let this get in the way of your happiness. Like I said before, he obviously thinks you're beautiful and special enough to be with, even MARRY, right? So you must be doing something right.

  2. Ohhhh I know how that feels.

    I have always been fat. Gradually, as the weight comes off, I'm not sure that I'm any happier, but I know I am a better person

  3. I hate that your friends don't understand your stress about your wedding day, but how could they when they seem to have such a 'normal' relationship with their bodies and food. I wonder if my friends know how incredibly envious I am of that.

    Bitch on here about it, we'll listen and offer any advice we can. I get it, my husband and I planned our wedding 3 different times and the 3rd time(s a charm) we did it all in less than 6 weeks. The first two I didn't even make it a month in without completely flipping out on inlaws and my family & just telling them we couldn't find a location we liked (lame excuse, but it worked). They all had so many demands and requests, I couldn't take it.

    but you are almost there!! The day will be fabulous as long as you focus on the only thing that matters, the two of you.

    I may have felt fat at my wedding & I'll admit I do hate the pictures I have, but I am happy I went through with the event despite not being at my goal & the fear of judgement I felt. You should also know that I will always cherish the moment we said I do and I know I was ridiculously happy that whole day - because it really didn't matter if I was fat or not, I was marrying the man I loved.

    Good Luck & complain on here all you want - that's what it's for, right? an outlet


  4. good luck with the wedding.

    the mood swings and not sleeping go hand in hand with restriction, i guess the down fall of being thin/getting where you want.

    I am glad I stumbled across your blog, i haven't read it all yet. keep writing/venting on here cuz you'll find more support online in bloggerland than with family and friends (unfortunately) .

    you say you were fat you whole life, what are your stats?

  5. its a wedding its a huge commitment
    okay so me being 15 you could say i dont have clue which would be right but i know already im scared of marriage
    but think about it your marrying this guy and that is forever
    you might feel your body isnt good enough right now but that doesnt have to be forever cause your doing a good job at changing that


  6. hey hon, i think you're incredibly strong for doing all of this wedding stuff for your fiance, b/c its important to him. if being thin for your wedding will make it tolerable for you, then you go ahead and do it. you've done wonderfully thus far, not long now!

    its amazing how different our backgrounds all are here in ED-Land, and yet we have this thing that unite us all, makes us the same. take comfort in that. we're here for you :)

  7. That's odd. I sleep far better when I restrict. I think it's because feeling a little hungry is a constant subtle reminder that I'm doing something about at least one of the things in my life I hate.

    I can get pretty bad mood swings though.

    Congratulations on not gaining and on losing inches! You are a sylph-in-progress! And watch the alcohol -- it's probably not helping with either the sleeping or the mood swings.

  8. Good luck with the wedding. You are strong and I think in the end you'll have a most wonderful wedding. I know how it feels not to be able to talk to anyone. Thats why I started my blog. So I hope you can at least find an ounce of comfort through all of us here


  9. yay!
    i cant wait to read all the stuff youll be posting, and i already love your blog =]
    and the wedding sounds so exciting, i so wish i could be there.
    no matter what, im sure youre going to look STUNNING in that dress =]

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3