18 May 2009

"feasting on hunger itself"

"feasting on hunger itself" - Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

I'm in a very weird space. Something clicked in me yesterday. I'm not sure how to explain it.

First of all, I found another dress. It is very pretty and very similar to my current dress except that it is satin with a lovely light chiffon overlay and delicate accent beading. Unbelievably I found it on an "as is" rack for $150. It just barely fits...if I don't breathe. This is good. It will certainly allow for me to lose another 15-20lbs before the wedding. And if it appears to get a little big, it is made such that the seams can be easily taken in. I feel good about the purchase and stronger in my resolve to restrict as much as possible.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. I was like a woman possessed. I drove over 150 miles between all of the shops I visited. At the end of the day, driving home happily with my new dress I got a call from my sister. I wish I hadn't answered the phone.

Don't get me wrong. I love my sister. She is my only sibling and my best friend. There is nothing she wouldn't do for me and I trust her implicitly. Nevertheless, she does not now and has never understood me. Not even a little bit. Anytime I try to express myself or share my point of view she interprets it so personally. There are things I wish I could tell her but she could never understand.

Anyway, she called and I tried to express my anxiety about the wedding and it became this screaming match about how I'm going to be miserable at my wedding and make everyone uncomfortable - which is, of course, ridiculous. I love M and marrying him is easily the best and smartest thing I will ever do. It is just that, as I tried to explain to my sister once again, this whole wedding thing is not what I wanted at all. I don't like being the center of attention. I never wanted a big wedding. It originally started out as 30-40 close family and friends and has, at last count, become 110 people! (This is a direct result of my wonderful parents and their desire to invite everyone and everyone.)

To say that my anxiety is through the roof is an understatement. I don't think it would be possible for me to eat enough to maintain my weight between now and the wedding. To think of all of those people there watching me and my fat ass waddle down the aisle? Dear God. It is my nightmare.

I know it is unusual, at least that is what people keep telling me, but I was never the kind of girl that wanted to be a bride. We could have gone to the Justice of the Peace and I would be just as proud to be his wife. But he wants this wedding and I love him so I'm doing it. Just don't expect me to not have any anxiety about it because I sure as hell do.

And so, with the purchase of two wedding dresses and only 6 weeks to go, my appetite is gone. Gone. I haven't even taken the phentermine. I just can't, and won't, be eating for the next 6 weeks any more then I will need to function at work and workout. I have a few occasions that I will be forced to eat for work and my birthday celebration in mid june but other than that I'm done with food. Done.

Sorry for the long post but I do want to answer PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge Question:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?

1. I love feeling hungry. Love it. Love it. Love it! It is exhilarating. I am addicted to it.

2. The more weight I lose, the bigger I feel. It is the strangest thing. I really don't understand it. At my biggest ever I weighed (gasp!) 265lbs. Yeah. I know. It's just too sick to even think about. The strange thing is that I don't remember feeling so big when I was that huge. But now, with every pound I drop and every size smaller, I feel bigger and bigger. Like I'm taking up an enormous amount of space. I don't quite get it. I have serious body issues as I suppose we all do huh?

3. I don't like food. I am not sure that I have ever liked food. I think I was always focused on the act of eating. I used it as an activity to take up time or to try and fill up an inner emptiness but I don't think I have ever really liked food. I appreciate some flavors and textures but I don't really enjoy them. I experience food as weight on my tongue or mass in my throat or stomach. Taste is not a sense that I have ever paid much attention to. It has been very strange to realize that I don't like food and it is strange to try and understand why I consumed so much of it for so very long. What does that mean? How do I deal with that?

Anyway, today is a fasting day. I feel better empty. I feel right with nothing. I am "feasting on hunger itself" and I think it suits me. :)

I hope you all are doing well.

Be strong and stay hungry.


  1. I never wanted to be a bride either, having all eyes on me drives me insane, but once you get to the actual day everyone else melts into the background and you'll feel more at ease than you do now (at least I did because really all that mattered was that I was marrying him, not that I was tipping the scale at 170)

    I can relate to every pound lost making me feel fatter than I ever was. I'm convinced I had blinders on during my fat days, that I just didn't even look at myself or acknowledge the fat. Here I am in a size 6 feeling like I barely fit in my desk chair!

    I have a sister like yours, it's a tough family dynamic.

    Hope your week goes well!

  2. I love your blog! Keep writing. Xxx

  3. Feasting on hunger itself. Brilliant!

  4. some people, no matter how much you try to explain, or how much you love them, will never understand you. ive known a few people like that and i get easily frustrated with them.
    and i know exactly what you mean, feeling bigger with actually getting smaller.

    stay thin!

    XOXO Sophia Ruins

  5. god what a great post. amazing to read!!!! loved this one. loved reading about what you have learned since restricting!!!! so glad you are back to blogging once again!!!!