PMS is real and I'm presently in its wicked grasp.
I'm desperately holding on to not eating. Just a protein shake on deck today which should keep me under 300 calories.
I feel like I'm going crazy the last two days. I haven't had PMS this bad since last summer.
Ugh.
I've been thinking a lot about suicide.
Don't worry, I would never try it (again) but I have just been thinking about it a LOT.
There is a twisted logic that tells me that everything would be better for everyone in my life if I wasn't here.
I know it's the PMS talking.
But sometimes it just feels like it is using the loudest microphone in my head.
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my journey to thin
PMS, the curse on woman. I think about suicide too, on my down days(which are about 70-80 percent of my days). I wouldn't ever actually do it, but it just sneaks in your head, you know? It's scary sometimes how real it could be, and you think how easy it'd be.. but it's not good.
ReplyDeletexo
I've been having wicked pms this past week too, with massive mood swings too. Just remember that it will pass and try to hold on to as much sanity as possible =)
ReplyDeletexo
Hi gorgeous <3
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read this entry but I admire your honesty. I think about it a lot, too. Like you, I'd never do it, but I can never get it out of my head. The weird thing is, the older I get, the more invasive the thought gets... but each year also brings me further away from wanting to ever actually do it.
However, I really think that accomplishing our ultimate goal and then being able to sustain the weight, that it'd help us so much. Like you, I've also always been overweight and it fucking sucks. It's hard to even imagine how life would feel to *not* look disgusting... but surely, it'd feel a hell of a lot better if we did.
That's why I know this *is* our year to be thin. We're not kids. This isn't about vanity. It's about not being prisoners to our own shame anymore. It's about not feeling so low that we feel the world would be better off without us. It's about being able to finally be able to breathe. We're going to do it, because we have to.
Love you and sending you all my strength and hugs
xoxoxxoxo
So sorry to hear about the suicidal thoughts. I have them alot. I suffer from depression (along with a list of other mentals) and get suicidal when I get depressed. I would never act on it too, but its just awful when the thought hits you and it actually seems like a good choice. Life's a bitch right?
ReplyDeleteBridget