27 January 2010

January sucks.

This is the hardest part of the year for me.
I suffer from S.A.D.(Seasonal Affective Disorder)
What that basically means is that the state of my mood is directly related to the amount of sunlight to which I am exposed.  Thus, during the winter months when there is less sunlight available (and I see virtually none of it due to my office job and work schedule) my mood falls lower and lower.  It is never a good time of year for me.

Last year, after avoiding the suggestion since my teens, I finally broke down and bought a full spectrum “sun lamp” that I sit in front of for 15 minutes up to two hours a day.  It helps and I would never live without one now but it still doesn’t make all of the SAD symptoms go away.

Anyway, I am finding myself in that sullen/depressed/temperamental space again this year but I’m trying harder to fight my way out. 

Exercise helps.
Spiritual reflection helps.
And unfortunately b/p is a crutch that gets me through as well.

Yeah, so I b/p’d last night.
Me, four slices of pizza, and two glasses of wine spent a little time together.
It could have been worse but I count that fact as the slimmest of victories.

But I digress…

I feel utterly lonely these days.
My family is in Michigan.
I have only one friend who lives in the area and she is busy with a budding career, two sons, a bi-polar ex-husband, and a fiancé.

M is the most wonderful husband in the world but I find myself getting irritable in his mere presence and unable to tell him at all how I am feeling.

My sister, my best friend, is back in Michigan and struggling to watch her chosen career industry die (newspaper journalism), support the co-workers that she loves and has worked with for over a decade, and raise my beautiful niece and nephew.  She is a rock to so many of her others friends that are struggling with life issues that I just don’t want to put anymore on her plate of woes.  So I don’t tell her anything either.

My mom is an amazing woman who now in her 60s is finally taking care of herself, her health, and having the time of her life providing full-time daycare for my niece and nephew.  She also has 9 (yes, you read that right) sisters who are in various stages of life that she laughs with and counsels with constantly.  I don’t want her worry about me.

Those people are all I’ve got really and I feel tremendous guilty if any of them think for even a moment that I am unhappy so I put on the smiley face, listen to all the things that are going on in their lives and keep my mouth shut about the demons screeching in my skull.

The result?

I feel hollow and alone and like a burden.

Then this morning as I’m driving to the train I hear a story on NPR about people in Haiti struggling to survive without shelter and food.

Without food.

Families struggling to give whatever food they can find to their children, neighbors joining together to feed the elderly survivors, children who have lost all of their family members….

And I feel even more guilt for being so selfish and narcissistic as to throw up pizza last night and worrying about a few calories when there are those who have nothing.


Ugh.  I’m sorry for this morose post girls.

I obviously need a lot more coffee...and probably to get laid asap.  lol

Bottom line:  If I didn’t have you guys, I don’t know what I’d do.

Stay lovely.


  1. The sun will be here before yo uknow it. Hang in there and stay strong

  2. I feel hollow too.
    When you just desperately NEED for someone and you wrack your brain and realise there is absolutely nobody on whom you can call to save you. It's hard. But we don't always feel like this. It pays to remember the number of times we've broken on through to the other side.

    I think I need to stop getting laid. It only makes things worse. Opens me up o the possibility of the crippling rejection which is responsible for MY moroseness!

    Love and plums darling

  3. Sorry you are struggling right now. I don't think you should feel guilty for letting any of them know you are down. They love you and would probably want to know if you are sad. Sometimes even if you dont go all into detail just saying "I am feeling down" to an actual person and releasing that is helpful. Hang in there. The sun will come back soon!!!

  4. I know you don’t want to talk to your sis/mom/friend, but I’d bet money that even though your faking being happy they know you aren’t since they know you.
    A really reflective post.

  5. Is it any coincidence that Seasonal Affective Disorder is SAD? ugh. I hate it too. You can always confide here, and we'll always listen :)

    Chin up, dear. Spring will be here soon.



  6. I think your point about the lack of what people live with every day is an excellent one. You recognize your wasteful behavior, yet soon blow it off to devalue how true the statement you made was. Trust me, I'm not criticizing only you; the problem with Western society is our propensity to waste. But it may bring you odd comfort to know that your problems are wholly insignificant when compared to the death and destruction others live with every day. And again, this is not intended to malign you, as I also feel guilty for worrying about the things that I do. I enjoy your posts and wish you all the best.

  7. im so sorry your having a bad time right now. try to keep your head up though, spring will be here soon(51 days i think)i think you should talk with your hubby about how you feel lately. i know i know, easier said than done, but this is something i think you should do. it will help you feel better and help him feel, in the words of Dr. Phil "like a man".
    wow thats super cheesy...
    but sometimes cheesy is nice and i think you just need someone to hold you close and to listen, and since no one on this site can physically do that , your husband will have to take our place. plus you know what they say...
    spooning leads to forking!
    and what lifts spirits more that a good lay.lol
    try to hang in there and enjoy the little things.
    stay strong

  8. Thanks for the cute octypus names! I have finally found your blog, yay! When I click on your photo in my blog, it doesn't come up with your blog link. Hang in there with the S.A.D. I know that that doesn't help right now.

  9. I think it's really strong of you not to talk with your family about the issues you're going through...

    Obviously, family wants to know what's important in our lives, but that definitely doesn't mean the understand it. If they knew, they'd probably force you to seek help or something, and really... When has that ever helped?

    I hope that this blog and the people that comment give you strength to go through the day, and know that you're not alone!

  10. You and I really are alike, I think, with at least what we project on this website. Thank you for being so reflective and honest, and hang in there - you are one tough chica, and we are all going to make it through this. Swear to it. The ruts are deep and maddening, but as time progresses, the journey gets closer to the sun, and we are once again on smooth seas. You'll make it. :)

  11. Hang in there, my precious friend. I am so sorry to hear you're buried under depression at the moment. I can definitely relate, and I only wish I could take the darkness away for you and show you the beautiful light that is inside of you. You're so inspiring, so kind, so strong and just amazing... always remember that.

    Loneliness is such a bitch. I hope it'll subside soon and yeah, getting laid definitely seems like a good start, haha!

    Love and strength to you, beautiful