Unseen

Sometimes I'm aware of my invisibility.
People lay their sight upon me but look right through.
I don't know that anyone has ever taken in a full view.
I don't think that even I have shone light in every corner of my space.

And yet we know we are here.
We feel.
We laugh.
We push.
We love.
We carve out these cyberspaces and pour out what we've been carrying.
We express.
We confess.
We rant.
We reveal.

Still, I walk around feeling invisible
And I don't know if it is because I can not be seen
Or that I consciously want to be unseen.

_____________________________

I am actually in a better mood today my friends, just feeling reflective.  My workouts have been exhausting which is good.  I'm terrified of the scale but I think I may step on it this weekend.  I'll keep you posted.

You ladies...well, you're just awesome-sauce!  The kindness, thoughtfulness, love, and support you all give to me so freely is something I treasure as much as the air that I breathe.  Thank you.

I'm not at all hungry this morning so I'm going to put off eating for as long as possible...hopefully all day!

Boo Food.
Yay Me!

xoxoxox  :)

January sucks.

This is the hardest part of the year for me.
I suffer from S.A.D.(Seasonal Affective Disorder)
What that basically means is that the state of my mood is directly related to the amount of sunlight to which I am exposed.  Thus, during the winter months when there is less sunlight available (and I see virtually none of it due to my office job and work schedule) my mood falls lower and lower.  It is never a good time of year for me.

Last year, after avoiding the suggestion since my teens, I finally broke down and bought a full spectrum “sun lamp” that I sit in front of for 15 minutes up to two hours a day.  It helps and I would never live without one now but it still doesn’t make all of the SAD symptoms go away.

Anyway, I am finding myself in that sullen/depressed/temperamental space again this year but I’m trying harder to fight my way out. 

Exercise helps.
Spiritual reflection helps.
And unfortunately b/p is a crutch that gets me through as well.

Yeah, so I b/p’d last night.
Me, four slices of pizza, and two glasses of wine spent a little time together.
It could have been worse but I count that fact as the slimmest of victories.

But I digress…

I feel utterly lonely these days.
My family is in Michigan.
I have only one friend who lives in the area and she is busy with a budding career, two sons, a bi-polar ex-husband, and a fiancé.

M is the most wonderful husband in the world but I find myself getting irritable in his mere presence and unable to tell him at all how I am feeling.

My sister, my best friend, is back in Michigan and struggling to watch her chosen career industry die (newspaper journalism), support the co-workers that she loves and has worked with for over a decade, and raise my beautiful niece and nephew.  She is a rock to so many of her others friends that are struggling with life issues that I just don’t want to put anymore on her plate of woes.  So I don’t tell her anything either.

My mom is an amazing woman who now in her 60s is finally taking care of herself, her health, and having the time of her life providing full-time daycare for my niece and nephew.  She also has 9 (yes, you read that right) sisters who are in various stages of life that she laughs with and counsels with constantly.  I don’t want her worry about me.

Those people are all I’ve got really and I feel tremendous guilty if any of them think for even a moment that I am unhappy so I put on the smiley face, listen to all the things that are going on in their lives and keep my mouth shut about the demons screeching in my skull.

The result?

I feel hollow and alone and like a burden.

Then this morning as I’m driving to the train I hear a story on NPR about people in Haiti struggling to survive without shelter and food.

Without food.

Families struggling to give whatever food they can find to their children, neighbors joining together to feed the elderly survivors, children who have lost all of their family members….

And I feel even more guilt for being so selfish and narcissistic as to throw up pizza last night and worrying about a few calories when there are those who have nothing.

Nothing.

Ugh.  I’m sorry for this morose post girls.

I obviously need a lot more coffee...and probably to get laid asap.  lol

Bottom line:  If I didn’t have you guys, I don’t know what I’d do.

Stay lovely.
xoxoxoxox

Mania

I had a lousy weekend.  It was the end of a week long terrible mood.  Although my eating wasn't too terrible, it was far from stellar.

Plus, on Saturday night I stayed  home and sulked which was not good.  M and I were invited to a party that I really wanted to attend but there was a good chance that J (the one who shafted me for thousands of dollars over the car I "sold" her) was going to be there and I know that if I was to see here, especially if alcohol was involved, that I probably would have drop kicked her ugly ass on sight.

So yeah, I stayed home and M went without me.

I was pissed.

Sometimes I really hate people.

sigh.

Anyway, the only good thing that came out of my sullen mood this weekend was the drive I took to the gym.

I fucking worked out like a CHAMP this weekend on Saturday and Sunday.  Yesterday was the best!  I spent 4 hours at the gym which ended with the most intense spinning class I've ever conquered.  It was a new teacher and he was brutal.  I fucking loved every minute of it as I cursed his soul to hell with each twist of the gears.

I am sore as hell today...and oh so very happy.  Like, ridiculously happy!

I feel a round of exercise mania coming on and me likey!!

I go through periods of exercise mania several times a year.  It's awesome.  I can't stay out of the gym.  Sometimes I'll workout before work, at lunch, and after work.  I don't know what brings them on or why I can't seem to maintain them forever.  It usually lasts 6-10 weeks and I just ride the wave to weight loss and a better looking ass.  :)

I couldn't hit the gym this morning because I had to be in the office early but the gym bag is packed and I'm planning on spending a couple of hours there tonight.  I can't wait!

Plus, today is a fasting day which I think think I can handle.  I've brought  a protein shake just in case I need a little something before I workout but I'm going to try to avoid it if I can.  I want to end this day with no/little calories in and many many calories burned.

And I'm seriously considering taking a "sick day" tomorrow and spending the day at the gym.

How fucking awesome would that be?

Stay lovely ladies!!

Empty

Thanks for bearing with me and yesterday's post ladies.  My mood has been for shit this week.  I am feeling better this morning though.  Mostly because my stomach is delightfully empty and it's Friday.  Good riddance to a shitty week!

I plan on fasting today.  No green smoothies or protein shakes.  Just water and maybe a cup of coffee or two.

I desperately need the empty.

PMS

PMS is real and I'm presently in its wicked grasp.

I'm desperately holding on to not eating.  Just a protein shake on deck today which should keep me under 300 calories.

I feel like I'm going crazy the last two days.  I haven't had PMS this bad since last summer.

Ugh.

I've been thinking a lot about suicide.

Don't worry, I would never try it (again) but I have just been thinking about it a LOT.

There is a twisted logic that tells me that everything would be better for everyone in my life if I wasn't here.

I know it's the PMS talking.

But sometimes it just feels like it is using the loudest microphone in my head.

We come and go.

I know that this blogger "community" is always growing, changing, and modifying in size.

I know that we are ultimately all strangers.

I know that we are all on different paths; we are all in different places in our lives; we are joined by something that drives us to various levels of distraction and also destruction.

And yet, although I know all of this logically, my heart connects to you each.

I know what it is like to feel so much and use this outlet to cull through my emotions and hopefully find some camaraderie with those who understand.

That's why I feel sad when people go.

Even when I know it is probably the best for them.

...

Together we come
This place fills with honesty
We leave behind truth

Mood, Movies, and Spin Class

My mood is a bit all over the place today.

And it is only 10:30am....NOT a good sign.

Oof.

I've been cranky, happy, snuggly, annoyed, excited, solemn, and content....all in the last two hours!

Fuck.

I need more to my life.  Sometimes I wonder if M and I should have children just so I stop obsessing over my damn self.  Then of course I realize that I shouldn't have children because I can't stop obsessing over my damn self!

Fuck.

M and I are heading out for a double feature afternoon today.  I want to see Daybreakers (I'm totally in to freaky vampire horror movies...especially if they star Ethan Hawke who I find oddly sexy in many many ways.) and then we are going to see The Book of Eli because Denzel Washington makes me want to throw my panties at the screen.  (Sorry for the TMI!)

God bless M for letting me drool over my favorite celebs.  He's a good hubby even though I almost embarass him when we see anything with Jason Statham in it.  (Jason Statham is TEH HAWT to me.)  Speaking of:

Woo!!!  I know he is not everyone's type but sweet jebus he is the epitome of rugged sexuality to me.  And that body!  Oh God.

Okaaayyyyyy, drooling over.

Yesterday morning I went to a spin class. It KICKED MY ASS.  I am so sore today.

Of course I'm going to go again tomorrow.  I hate my thighs with a passion unknown.

Alrighty...not much else going on in my world.  I'm just a woman trying not to eat.

xoxox

Cranky McCrankypants

Life in DC is as insane as ever and I am seriously cranky these days...which I think is due to the very low cals.

Ugh.

I am swamped at the office but just wanted to let you all know that I'm sending you good vibes and hoping to enjoy a long empty weekend with several sessions at the gym thrown in for good measure.

Oh...and I saw this today and thought it would make you guys giggle...

love you guys!!

xoxoxoxoxox

The latter

There are 'good days' and 'bad days' so they say.

This is one of the latter.

*sigh*

Work sucks.

Boss is driving me CRAZY.

Ate 5 M&Ms due to stress.

*sigh*

Fiercely fighting desire to binge when I get home tonight.

Planning instead to take a sleeping pill before I pull out of the commuter lot with hopes that I'll be droopy-eyed-drowsy by the time I walk through the front door.

Or I may be so sleepy that I crash my truck on the drive home.

Either way...I will not have eaten.

Win?

xoxoxox ...love you guys...hope to catch up on the blogs later this week...

A

Who says?

My eyes settled on the title of the article I posted yesterday as I sat at my in-laws dining table on Saturday morning after having taken a bite into the second half of my egg bagel...with full fat cream cheese.

I stopped chewing immediately.

We can only trust ourselves and the food we ourselves cook it seems; fresh whole foods prepared at home that is.  Ah well, such is life.

The weekend was not an eating victory by any means.  I purged up the first half of the morning bagel but the rest of the day I did no better.  There was a lunch outing with M's parents and then the evening family gathering which was of course ridiculously packed with food and drinks.  I didn't eat too much at the dinner but there were several beers and one screwdriver. I'm guessing the day was somewhere between 1500-1800 calories.  It was not my finest hour.  However compared to yesterday, Saturday was a stellar performance.

Oh my lovelies, I binged yesterday. 

Oh yes, it was a b/p bonanza!  First time I've binged like that all year.  I'd honestly pushed out of my mind just how exhausting the whole damn ordeal is.  I fell asleep in a heap last night and awoke only slightly bloated (Thank the heavens for Gax-X!!  Every Mia should have some on hand.  It seriously reduces the day after binge-bloat if you take it when you go to bed. Get the pills not the strips.) yet with renewed spirit and a smile this morning. 

Who says I can't come back from a binge stronger than ever?

And so it is Monday and I intend to be done with solid foods from now until further notice.  I wish to exist on protein shakes, green smoothies, teas, water, and coffee.  Thus, so far today just one protein shake this morning (110 cals) and I can't bring myself to consume anything else following the weekend food escapade. 

Starve on!!

I'm off to check up on all of your blogs with hopes that your weekends were far more successful than my own.  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

WTF?!?!

I'll tell you about the weekend tomorrow.  I can't speak of it right now.  *sigh*

In the meantime you MUST read this!!

Jan 8, 2010

Restaurant food has more calories than advertised

By Michael Hill
Associated Press Writer

Dieters can't believe everything they read: The food at many popular chain restaurants and in the freezer section of the supermarket may contain a lot more calories than advertised.

A study of 10 chain restaurants, including Wendy's and Ruby Tuesday, found that the number of calories in 29 meals or other menu items was an average of 18 percent higher than listed.

And frozen supermarket meals from Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, Healthy Choice and South Beach Living had 8 percent more calories than the labels said, according to the study, published in this month's Journal of the American Dietetic Association.

The researchers and other experts aren't accusing restaurants and food companies of trying to deceive customers. They said most of the discrepancies can be explained by variations in ingredients, portion sizes and testing methods. For example, the teenager behind the counter might have put too much mayonnaise on one sandwich.

Still, "if every time you eat out, you get a couple of hundred calories or more than you think, that can add up really easily," said lead researcher Susan Roberts, a professor of nutrition at Tufts University. "There's a big drumbeat for people putting calories on menus, but that's only useful if the calories are right."

Marion Nestle, a professor of nutrition at New York University who was not involved in the study, said she was not surprised by the findings. People might think nutrition labels are scientifically precise, but they are mostly ballpark figures, she said.

"It would never occur to me that the calories posted on menu boards are anything close to reality," Nestle said.

The study said most of the packaged food tested fell within the 20 percent margin of error allowed by the Food and Drug Administration.

Some items, like Domino's large thin-crust cheese pizza, came in low. It had one-third fewer than the reported 180 calories per serving.

Wendy's Ultimate Chicken Grill was found to have 9 percent more calories than the reported 320. P.F. Chang's large Sichuan-style asparagus had more than double the 200 calories it was supposed to have. Ruby Tuesday's baked potato with butter and sour cream came in on target, but researchers measured 3 percent more calories in McDonald's McChicken sandwich, which is said to have 360 calories.

Wendy's spokesman Bob Bertini said: "Since our food is prepared to order by restaurant teams, there can be small variances in the calorie count. For example, one sandwich might have a bit more mustard or ketchup. The next sandwich, the customer might choose to leave off the lettuce and tomato."

As the nation grapples with staggering obesity rates, local and state officials around the country have considered requiring chain restaurants to post nutrition information about their food. New York City, neighboring Westchester County, and King County in Washington state already have such regulations.

Despite the inaccuracies, Nestle said she believes nutrition information is useful. But she said people need to realize that a bagel listed at 303 calories could contain dozens more, or dozens fewer.

Researchers used a calorimeter to test food from Boston-area restaurants and grocers. They compared their results with calorie counts available from the companies in 2007 and 2008.

In a statement, a Denny's spokeswoman said variations in portion sizes can occur from restaurant to restaurant. The company also said it uses local vendors for bread, dairy and produce, each of which could have different product formulations and sizes.

Denny's questioned the study's contention that its grits and butter had three times the 80 calories listed on the menu - the largest fluctuation of all foods tested. Denny's said the researchers tested a 9.5-ounce serving instead of the 4-ounce one used in its own analysis.

"It would bother me if I counted on it to make my decision on what to get," Audrey Ledford, 55, of Torrance, Calif., said after having coffee with her son at a Los Angeles Denny's. "It should be correct."

--

AP Writers Sue Manning in Los Angeles and Caryn Rousseau in Chicago contributed to this report.

99 followers??

Wow.  I am totally humbled.

I love you guys like I love zero calories.

'Nuff said.  :D

Okay so today I have consumed a green smoothie (1 cup spinach, 1 cup fat free vanilla yogurt, 1 cup blueberries) and that is all expect for some water and tea.  I am very happy about that.  I'm looking at 319 calories total so far.

But can I admit something here...I almost had a total binge breakdown about an hour ago.  I wanted to go get some lunch (totally fattening chinese food) at this place across the street. (Planning to purge it of course)
I couldn't stop thinking about it.  And then,  I looked down at my thighs...
took a huge gulp of water...
a deep breath...
and the feeling passed.

Before it could resurface I took a break from working and started reading some of your blogs and now my strength has returned...ten fold!

You guys are lifesavers; the calorie free kind!!

So, 99 followers huh?

Wow.

I can only hope to give each of you just a bit of the support, laughs, shared tears and triumphs that you give so freely to enrich my days.

Thanks.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Empty = Good

I love feeling empty.  At moments like this I can't imagine why I binge although I do realize that I purge so that I can get this feeling back.

Emptiness is invigorating!

So last night was not stellar.  I had a half cup of tabouli with a few chips (~ 150 cals) and a small bowl of cereal with low fat skim milk (~ 100 cals) of which I purged all as much as I could and then went to bed.  Including the green smoothie yesterday morning I think I probably  ended the day somewhere between 5-600 cals.  Not perfect but not too awful.  I did wake up this morning feeling empty so that made me happy. 

Thus far this morning I've had a low carb protein shake (110 cals) so that I could get down all of my supplements.  My new ones arrived yesterday and I was excited to take them all this morning!  I love supplements and I'll try anything to lose weight.  I'm now taking cinnamon and cayenne along with a million other things.  They are supposed to be good for metabolism.  Who knows if they will help but I'm guessing that they can't hurt.

Oh, and I totally forgot that we have to go to PA to visit M's family this weekend.  It is a post-Christmas/his-dad's-birthday celebration because we spent Christmas with my family.  I am less than happy about it.  I mean, I love my in-laws but these are the same people (if you recall my Thanksgiving post) that made like 15 pies for 14 people to have after Thanksgiving dinner!  They eat too damn much and far too often.  M is always a total pig when we are there.  You would think that I don't feed him.  Okay, I don't ...but that is not the point!  It is ridiculous the amount of crap they eat.  I am going to be strong and drink lots of water and take an extra dose of phentermine while I'm there.  If I can get through Saturday with no more then 1000 calories it will be a MIRACLE.  Wish me luck.

I am planning to live on protein shakes and green smoothies from now until Saturday.  If I do that then I can keep my calories under 500 per day easy.  Saturday will be the in-laws food hell (wish me luck!) and then on Sunday I am getting back on my plan with only a green smoothie and a protein shake.  Monday it is back to fasting and hopefully a full week as originally scheduled.

I am going to reach my goals.

They may slow me down but they will not stop me.

Be strong and stay lovely!
(I got "stay lovely" from Della via Phantasmagorical Delusion. I love the sentiment so I'm sharing it with everyone!)

xoxoxox

A Quick Rant

Dear Co-Workers (especially the s.o.b. that put all of the cookies and lemon squares in the breakroom):

THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER YOU FAT BITCHES!

Please stop bringing your fucking comfort food into the office!!

Thank you.

Alive and still kicking...

It started NYE morning with a tickle in my throat.  By 8pm that evening I had a fever.

Ugh.

I have been sick ever since.  I was a mess all through last weekend.  I couldn't start my 2010 plan because M is very attentive when I'm ill.  He spoils me silly.  Which means lots of hot tea, movies and snuggling but also he believes in "feeding a cold".  So I ate tomato soup (which I'm sure he cooked with milk like he usually does!) and he even made me eat a grilled cheese sandwich on Sunday because he said I wasn't going to get better just from soups and teas.  I also nibbled on snacks that were crunchy and delicious but will remain nameless in case someone else gets triggered by salty foods like I do.

I still think I lost a couple of pounds though because my suit skirt is a bit lose today! :)

So I'm finally back at work this morning and feeling a bit better although my voice sounds terrible from all the coughing.  I had a small green smoothie this morning (spinach, fat free vanilla yogurt and blueberries ~ max 200 cals) and I'm planning on fasting the rest of the day away.  I am going to try and pick up the plan where it stands and do just a protein shake tomorrow and a full fast on Thursday and Friday.

I can't wait until the pounds start dropping and I get the emptiness 'high'!

Happy New Year girls!  I hope to catch up on work and your blogs today.

xoxoxox