On the cusp.

I've got something to prove in the new year.

A friend told me last week that I'm "too atune to the needs of other people" and so I never take time to make myself happy.  His words rang so true that they knocked the wind out of my lungs.

I've been this way my whole life.  I always put everyone before me.  Even my most seemingly selfish moments were often derived from wanting to please someone else deeply.  Does that even make sense??  I don't know if I can put it into words but the bottom line is that for the first time I realize that I need and want to prove something to just myself.


I rarely fail other people...why on earth have I kept failing myself???

2009 was a great year because I married the man of my dreams.  M is easily the best thing that ever happened to me and I thank the universe every day for him.

But 2010 is all about me baby!

This year, I intend to marry myself...and dammit I will NOT be a fat bride again!

I may stumble and I will probably fall...but I will never give up.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, you ladies give me strength more than you know.  I've always been the support group but I've never really had one of my own.  Sure, my family has been there for me but there is so much that I can't tell them.  They need to see me happy-and-smiling or there is drama.

You ladies understand the good, the bad, and the ugly that I feel.
Thank you!

So good riddance 2009.  I'm ready to let you go.

Thin in '10!
Thin in '10!
Thin in '10!

xoxoxox

Out with the old...in with the new!

Ladies, please check out MorticaBones.  I'm her only follower thus far and she needs support like we all do.

And  I'm still feeling good about the impending new year.

This was 2009...

This will be 2010!!!

love you guys!
xoxoxox

The girl has a plan.

Christmas was...well, let's just say that I'm damn glad it is over.

I am now in holiday purgatory trying to move on from the Xmas binge and prep myself for the coming New Year (drinking!) festivities.

I will be so damn happy when 2010 arrives. I feel like I'm waiting to be born or something. As I stated in my last post, I intend to fast through January but I should explain more lest you all think I'm out to kill myself or fuck up my metabolism too much next month.

My January "fast" schedule is outlined as follows:

Friday, Jan 1 - Water, Coffee, 32oz Green Smoothie (approx 200-300 cals)
Saturday, Jan 2 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS
Sunday, Jan 3 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS
Monday, Jan 4 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 5 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 6 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 7 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 8 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 9 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 10 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Monday, Jan 11 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 12 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 13 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 14 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 15 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 16 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 17 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Monday, Jan 18 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 19 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 20 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 21 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 22 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 23 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 24 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Monday, Jan 25 – Water, Coffee
Tuesday, Jan 26 – Water, Coffee
Wednesday, Jan 27 – Water, Coffee, Protein Shake
Thursday, Jan 28 – Water, Coffee
Friday, Jan 29 - Water, Coffee
Saturday, Jan 30 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake
Sunday, Jan 31 – Water, Coffee, 32oz GS, Protein Shake

This arrangement gives me 4 full fasting days a week and allows for some respectable nutrition intake via the Green Smoothies and also the necessary protein replenishment via the shakes. I'm probably not going to exercise on weekdays due to the low cals. I'm adding the additional cals on the weekend to kick my metabolism back up and to have energy for workouts.

I'll post my green smoothie recipes as I go. I like to play around with them a lot to keep them interesting and to give my body some nutritional variety. If you are interested in Green Smoothies then just google them. There are tons of recipes out there. I try to focus on making them with the lowest calorie fruits/veggies and supplements of course.

I feel good about this. In February I am going to try to focus on maintaining the January losses and staying away from that damn Mia. I also think I'm going to bite the bullet and maybe get a personal trainer in February. I need to get serious about toning up more.

I feel oddly calm and excited about the new year. I don't know if it is because of being newly married to M or what but I don't think I've ever been this happy overall.

If I can just be thin enough then my life will be complete.

2 day fast

No food until Xmas eve.

M and I are leaving tomorrow morning for Michigan and the xmas weekend with my crazy family. iamsoexcitedthaticantstandit!!

In anticipation of all of the eating and drinking that I will most probably do over the weekend I've decided to fast until Xmas evening dinner on Thursday.

And I want to wish you all a very happy holidays!

Starting January 1st I am going on a 30 day fast.

2010 is going to be my year dammit.

love you guys to bits!
A

Holiday Luncheon

Today is the firm's annual holiday luncheon.

There will be much wine served which I intend to avoid.

The office will close early.

I'm going to eat as little as possible then head home and hit the gym.

Oh please, oh please, oh please let this damn holiday season pass quickly!
All of these events planned around food make me crazy.

Bah, Humbug!

"You're too sensitive"

Apparently being a friend and caring when someone fucks you over is considered "too sensitive".

You know, this is the story of my life. I can't tell you how many people have fucked me over when all I was doing was behaving like I thought a friend should behave. I should just get it through my fat skull that people are inherently assholes.

Great.

Got it.

Now I guess I get to be an asshole too right?

Except that I'm too fucking sensitive and I cried because I thought friendship was important.

"Silly fat Africana..."

"Just go to bed hungry and wake up tomorrow hoping for a better day."

/end rant

*sigh*

love you guys.

xoxox

I put the 'end' in Friend.

Side note to previous commenter Tiffany asking for "advice".

Dear Tiffany,

My sincere advice is for you to get a gym membership and join weight watchers. Reduce your calories slowly over time. Eat more fruit and veggies. Be sure to get some exercise daily.

I would not recommend doing anything I do here. I restrict. I purge. I am what they call "eating disordered". I would advise you to stay far from it.

As for the challenge of being married to a man who loves food, if you can't avoid eating with him then at least make a concerted effort to reduce your portions. Couple portion reduction with exercise and you'll find success over time. Just stay strong and don't give up!

xox
A

*********And now back to our regular programming....****************

The last two days have been a free for all. Eating crap. Purging shortly thereafter. Eating more crap. Feeling depressed and then punishing myself by digesting aforementioned crap. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

While wallowing in my misery yesterday and shoving a handful of potato chips down my throat I tried to figure out what the hell I was really feeling. I've been so down this week. And then it hit me, I'm sad/angry/hurt about losing a friend.

Here's a synopsis of the tale:

- M (my husband) works with a guy for years, let's call him SG.
- SG finally gets a girlfriend in early 2008, she is my friend J who was referenced here.
- I LOVE J. We are born one day apart (she's the oldest). She even has a daughter with my name. I feel like we are long lost sisters. I don't make girlfriends easily so I'm thrilled.

...fast forward...

- 6 months ago SG and J move into a house in my town even though J tells me that she and SG are having problems.
- 3 months ago J asks me to sell my car to her daughter. I agree and give them a deal and even say they can pay me in installments.
- 2 weeks ago J tells me that she is cheating on SG (I think this is shitty and tell her so.)
- Shortly thereafter I stop receiving the agreed upon car payments.
- J then announces that she is leaving SG and won't return my calls or emails.
- I am now out a friend and several thousand dollars.

God, it sounds so damn petty when I type it all out.

Nevertheless I am PISSED and HURT at how J is going out. This is why I have almost no female friends. Why the fuck do women treat each other this way?? And this is not the first time I've been screwed over by a chick. I am too old for this bullshit.

I thought I was helping a FRIEND. I always go out of my way for people like this in my life and 9 times out of 10 I get screwed up the ass with no lube! (Pardon my language.)

When I'm hurt, I eat.
When I eat, I hurt.

It's a vicious cycle that ends today.

It is bad enough how I let the ED control me. I'll be damned if I'm going to let that bitch J cause me to gain weight.

I am heartened only by my strong belief in karma. At least I behaved from a place of trying to help someone. She is a user and will get hers one day.

I intend to be thin and happy while she suffers.

So far nothing but coffee and I'm shockingly not hungry. I'm going to pop a half of a phentermine to keep it that way.

Stay strong ladies!

xoxox

Dear Monday

Dear Monday,

I believe in you no matter how awful you usually are.
Don't let me down!

Love,
A

************************

It's a new day ladies and I am not eating.

That is all.

xoxoxoxox!

Epic.Fail.

Yeah, well....yesterday I was doing GREAT until I got home.

I am beginning to hate being home. M spends most of his time downstairs playing video games and I have entirely too much unsupervised time up in the bedroom.

Anyways, I got home feeling delightfully empty, spent a little "quality time" with M and I was feeling strong so I said I would go get him something for dinner. We have a dreadful tradition of me bringing him home a baconator from Wendy's on Friday nights. (I know, I know...Baconators...w.t.f???) I don't know how this became a thing but the man loves bacon and I love the man so...love makes you do strange things!

Anywhoooo, yeah, I had a breakdown and bought food-items-that-shall-not-be-named.

Ate. Barfed. Slept.

Ugh.

I feel confident that I got almost all of it out so I'm still putting the day well under 500 cals BUT STILL...

FUCK YOU MIA! YOU TREACHEROUS BITCH!!
I DON'T NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

/end rant

I'm better this morning. Had a salon appointment at 8am and am now home feeling better and wrapping M's birthday presents for the dinner tonight. I got him a iTouch 64GB! He is going to be so excited! I got him an iTouch a couple of years ago when they first came out and it is his favorite toy. The 3rd-gen is so much better that I just had to get him a new one. It was entirely too much money to spend and I would never buy it for myself but he loves cool toys. It makes him happy to have the latest thing. I am going to give him my 80GB classic iPod to use in his car (the iTouch won't work in the car for some reason) and I'll take his old iTouch which is all I need. It's a win for everyone!

I love the boy. If it wasn't his birthday I think I'd be trying to hurt myself because of last night. But I'm okay. Today is about M and not me.

Mia can kiss my fat ass.

Oh, and we are getting the first snow of the winter! It's pretty outside. :)

I hope you all have a good day and beat the demons that hound us.

Control is the fucking GOAL.

xoxoxoxox

The Goal

I seem to have forgot the impetus for the start (and the title) of this blog. The last two months have hardly been stellar in the 'control' department. But no more...

Although I've lost some weight in the last few weeks I could have lost SO MUCH MORE with out mia tagging along like some insistent homeless puppy prodding me to feed her again and again.

So, although this will be only one day because I have to eat tomorrow for M's birthday dinner, today I am pledging to you all and to my self to rest my mind, body, and spirit with a water fast.

I am not going to think about food because I am not going to eat any food.

I've taken a phentermine to kill my appetite. I don't take these much anymore because they have a tendency to fuck with my mood but today I don't care. Not eating will make my mood marvelous!

I've got to pull myself together. My skirt feels less loose today and that is absolutely and completely unacceptable.

Control is the goal and I am committed to it.

Go away mia. I do not want to play with you anymore.

I hope you are all doing well. I plan to take some time to check in on all of your blogs. You ladies give me strength and I appreciate it more then I could ever express fully with words.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox!

So far so good.

Yesterday wasn't perfect but I did keep things below 600 calories which doesn't completely suck. Thus far today I've mapped out 500 calories for myself and consumed just half of that thus far. I'm not eating anything else until after I get home from the gym tonight.

I really need a few good fasting days but I can't seem to find the strength for it right now. I didn't binge yesterday but I did purge up the soup I ate when I got home. I'm having such a hard time not purging every day. If I don't binge though I still seem to be losing weight albeit slowly.

I just want to get through the holidays weighing less than I started. Once January hits I'm on a mission to lose as much weight as possible before S's wedding which is either going to be in July or September of 2010.

I'm feeling a bit more in control today but not enough to pull off a fast. Why is it that sometimes it is so easy and sometimes it is so damned hard??

I just ate two thin slices of deli roast beef for lunch (I'm avoiding carbs like the plague today) and I am seriously considering going to purge it.

Fuck it. I'm skipping dinner. I need to be empty again.
Why does hunger make me feel better???


**********Update**********

The roast beef didn't get digested.

Sweet emptiness, Please consume me.

xox