A New Day

Okay well...thank heavens THAT is over.

It's a new day. I'm awake and feeling significantly stronger.

I am about to make a pot of very strong coffee, clean my bathroom, and then spend several hours exercising until I can hardly move.

I am not even going to feel ashamed about yesterday. It is over and I'm done with it.

Onward and Downward!

I will be damned if one day is going to stop me.

Starve the fuck ON.

(Love you ladies to DEATH!)

Fuck a carb.

I have spent the day b/p.

Extreme b/p.

I've removed at least 70% of my calorie intake and let me tell you...it was an impressive intake.

FML

I can't explain what happened today. It is rainy and cold and M and I decided to spend the day indoors which led to him making a terribly fattening breakfast which I couldn't pass up and thus the purging began. After that he was called into work and I spent the afternoon wallowing in binge hell. I went to McDonalds for godssake!! Sweet jeebus I binged and purged and binged and purged and ...

It is finally over. I'm exhausted. I've eaten everything sweet, salty, and otherwise. I can safely fast for the rest of the week. Today was my food nightmare.

And the sickest thing is that there is a part of me that is proud...yes, Proud...that I purged so easily all day.

I'm okay with this. The less calories the more I win.

Right?

Right???


Stay strong...stay hungry.

I eat therefore I purge.

I stopped on the way home last night to purchase a bottle of wine.

Entered the house and made myself a bowl of my husband's meat-laden pasta sauce with fresh broccoli instead of pasta (try it, it's good!) sucked down a glass and a half of wine, ate the sauce and vegs and promptly went to the bathroom to get rid of it all.

Rinsed out my mouth, smiled, had another glass of wine, got rid of that too, scarfed down two handfuls of cheese curls(why were they in the house?!) and a little more wine , sent them all to porcelain heaven, and then went to bed content.

I've been happily sipping on coffee all morning with nothing in my tummy.

Seriously, my fucked up behavior brings me entirely too much satisfaction.

Still afraid to get on the scale but the skirt I put on today is definitely looking too big.

Yay!

Starve on.

My husband doesn't care.

My husband does not seem to give a damn about my weight.

Of course I'm not tipping 300+ lbs so maybe I don't know where his boundaries are. hmmm...

My point is, he genuinely doesn't seem to get the least bit ruffled by my past gains/losses of 10-15 lbs. They drive me to madness but he still keeps on groping and kissing me so I guess he's okay with it.

What does seem to ruffle him lately is my mood in relation to my weight. When I'm gaining I'm miserable to live with. When I'm losing I'm a joy to be around. I think he's figured this out enough to find subtle ways to help me lose thus keep me smiling.

Case and point - cookies entered our home last weekend. [Okay...yes... I brought them in butthatisnottheissue!] I consumed one cookie and basically my mood turned from pleasant/sweet to cranky/evil in a matter of seconds. Seriously, like instantaneous Jeckyll and Hyde stuff.

After witnessing this transformation he took the cookies away and hid them from me. I sulked downstairs later to ask for one and he says, in all seriousness, "Are you sure?". I paused and realized that I wasn't at all sure. Fucking cookies. I got mad again and stomped upstairs - sans cookie.

I think of this story today and realize that my husband is just what I need; a man that cares about my happiness more then my weight. Lord knows that I obsess about my weight enough for the both of us.

And so today, nothing but coffee with almond milk and sweet 'n low again. I've been living on less then 200 calories for the past few days. I'm not eating at the office because I sit on my ass too damned much to justify a single calorie. In the evenings when I get home (usually after 7pm) I've been eating a cup or two of raw broccoli and nibbling on about an ounce this delicious smoked salmon that I found at Costco.

I know that the pounds are dropping because my clothes are notably loser this week but I have no idea what I weigh because I can not yet face the scale. I want to wait until one of my suit skirts falls off of me. Then maybe I will weigh myself. Or maybe not. I don't know.

Gah!

I wonder if my husband would care if I never ate again?


UPDATE
Just had a mini-breakdown and ate 4 small cookies and a single wrapped twizzler. The cookie box said they were 110cals for two plus the twizzler and I'm over my daily 200 but that is okay. [deep breath] I purged up a little (but not enough) and the out-of-control feeling has passed. Thank heavens for my 2 hour commute home! If I can just stay out of the fucking kitchen until 5pm then I've got the commute home where I can't eat and then I'm taking a sleeping pill and going directly to bed. F the TV. I can't risk staying up tonight. Consciousness = temptation.

Your comments totally motivated me ladies. GRACIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxox

Meditating on Madness

Can you love yourself and still have an ED?

Or are the two things diametrically opposed?

Seriously. I want to know.

For the last few weeks I've been listening to a podcast from a buddhist teacher. She is awesome. I am not a buddhist and knew very little about it until I found her stuff on iTunes. Anyway, I'm vibing with it. Much of what she says makes a lot of sense plus I wanted to learn more about meditation because I need to slow my hyper ass mind waaaaaaaaaay down. Even more interesting is that the meditation center she founded is right here in DC and is apparently pretty famous in spiritual circles. I'm too chicken to go there in person but who knows, maybe I will one day.

But here is the real kicker, I finally just did a more thorough google search on her and found this on her wikipedia page:

Tara Brach received a doctorate in clinical psychology from the Fielding Graduate University in Santa Barbara, California. She wrote a dissertation analyzing how individuals with eating disorders can utilize meditation as a healing technique.

How crazy is that?! I knew that I liked her talks but I had no idea why they resonated so much with me. Apparently she knows how to talk to our kind!

So weird coincidences aside, I go back to my original question;

Can you love yourself and have an eating disorder?

Is it wrong that I hope I could do both successfully? I mean, I want to love myself and be "healthy" (whatever the fuck that means) but I don't want to give up my ED behaviors. Who am I without my addictive personality and frantic mind? Is it possible to find a balance between the two that allows me to be happy some of the time and also lets me seriously restrict?

I don't know.

The fact that I'm even asking this question is surely a clear testament to my questionable mental health.

Oh well.

Thus far today only a cup of coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk (lower carbs!) and a dash of sweet 'n low.

And I'm feeling fine!

Starve on.

Blogs for lunch

First of all, let me just say that you guys are...well, you are unbelievable. Your compassion is intoxicating. I am mad only that I kept myself away hiding from you all. [Note: It is interesting how we have unlimited and unconditional support for one another yet are relentless with ourselves.]

I love you guys. Just sayin'. :)

So much has happened in the last few months that I don't even feel like going over it all except to say that my wedding was the single greatest day of my life to date. Except for the fact that I was a fat bride (the horror!) it was a perfect day. God bless my husband he actually cried when I started walking down the aisle. This man NEVER cries. It was incredibly sweet. I am so in love with that man that it scares me.

Okay, enough about the boy - I lost another 6lbs after the wedding and then at the end of July I just lost it. And I mean that I LOST IT. What started as a morning bagel (with full fat cream cheese no less!) became daily binges and full fledged gym avoidance into September. It was horrible. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I couldn't stop. I don't know how to explain what happened. It was like falling into an abyss. I started hitting myself to the point of bruising again. (I can't cut. Blood freaks me out.) I started drinking heavily every single day and of course alcohol means food which makes me feel bad which means more alcohol when means more food which...you get the idea.

I can't quite pinpoint what caused it. I think maybe after spending the last year so focused on the wedding that once the wedding was gone I had nothing to look forward to. Plus the two weeks of the wedding and following honeymoon I was drinking like a fish and eating more then I had been and I don't know....I just lost it.

So, I think I've put on at least 10lbs but I'm too horrified to weigh myself. I know that if I see a god awful number on the scale then I will get seriously depressed and eat. So, for now I have to just wait until my clothes get too lose again. I can't take seeing a number in the 180s which is where I think I am. I know. Please KILL ME.

Needless to say I'm a cow...for now.

Two weeks ago we found out that our good friends are definitely having their annual Halloween party. This is great as I love them and they throw the BEST parties. (Last year I got so drunk that I passed out in the bathroom...yeah, I know. I'm classy.) Anywho - I was a cow last year in my pirate outfit. I'm smaller then I was then but obviously still ginormous. Since the day we found out about the party I started restricting. It was easy once I knew there was an event coming up where I would be around people that I haven't seen in awhile. I am discovering that I am motivated by social events. I need to use this to my advantage more often!

Thus, in the last two weeks I've dropped some weight. I have no idea how much because I am still terrified of the scale but I know it is working because I am fasting on water only 3 days a week minimum and have been working out daily. On my non fasting days I'm keeping the cals and carbs as low as I can stand it which is usually no more then 500 cals total. On the days I've gone over on cals I've been purging. Not pretty but definitely keeping me in check. I've been a little dizzy from the low cals and jittery from the increased caffeine but for the most part I feel fan-fucking-tastic!

How in the hell did I let myself forget how good fasting feels?

I just started reading the blogs again in the last few days. I am sorry that I ever ran away. This is where I need to be. You ladies give me strength and make me feel less lonely.

I haven't eaten a damn thing today and that makes me very happy.

Fuck food. Today, I am allowing your blogs to sustain me.

Thank you guys.

Starving rocks.

*tap* *tap* *tap*...Is this thing on?

I am alive.

I am fat.

I am fasting.

And so it goes.

I have been trying to catch up on your blogs ladies. I have been gone so long and you are all so amazing that I am ashamed to even return so fat. You are all my thinspiration.

Your beauty gives me strength.

I will write a proper post soon.

In the meantime...I just wanted to say 'Thank You'. Your words are powerful.

xox
A