26 July 2012



I don't even know where to begin.  The last year has been...well...FAIL.  I think I've gained 50lbs.  I don't know.  I swear I haven't been on a scale since 2010.  I am in so much denial it isn't even funny.  I've gone up 3-4 sizes and I am sure that I must weigh over 200lbs.  I don't know.  I simply cannot face the scale.  Nope.  No way.  I would slit my wrists if I saw the number and I can't do that.  Gotta stay alive! So, I'm restricting again and sweet mamacita it feels fantastic!  So I'm rolling with it.  As for the rest of my life, here are the bullet points:

  • -still working crappy job
  • -Hubby still awesome and sexy! (why  is he with me?)
  • -we are buying a house at the end of September (so excited!)
  • -fat is me
Ooookay, that about wraps it up.  Life is relatively good except that I'm fatter that fat but that is about to end.  We are moving into the new house in a couple of months and hubs wants to have a big house warming party.  I have been avoiding people for the last year because I have gained so much.  It's been awful.  Everytime there has been a gathering with our friends I have feigned illness.  People are starting to think I don't like them but that's not it.  I am just not liking me at the moment.

Seriously, 80% of the pounds gained in the last year have gone directly to  my ass "do not pass Go, do not collect $200".  Fuck.  I just lost it.  Really.  It was scary.  Something in me said "fuck it" and I ate without a care.  All the time.  Often compulsively.  I said I loved myself enough to not care but I sooooooooooooo lied about that.  I care.  I'm fat and unhappy and it has got to stop.  

So, I'm back here, reading your blogs, looking for old friends, seeking out new ones.  I want to get back in control.  For the first time in a long time I feel alive.  Yesterday, wasn't perfect but I didn't eat a thing until 3pm which is a MAJOR WIN for me.  Especially when I was just eating all-day every-day and all-of-the-time!  So far today it's been water and loads of tea.  We have a staff lunch today in the conference room so I've ordered a salad which I can pick at.  Things should be okay.

I missed this space and missed the camaraderie.  I hope all you lovelies out there are doing well.

And don't eat!



  1. AFRI!! How the hell are you? I wondered where you went. I had a worry.

    Ah, Denial. I spent a horrible year there last year. No more! 2012 is going DOWN!

    I'm eating just enough to keep my metabolism from crashing and to keep from passing out at work, but aside form that it's GAME FUCKING ON.

    Take care of yourself and stay awesome <3

  2. Oh, lovely, I've missed you! I hadn't blogged much at all since recovery (suggestion from my ED therapist for obvious reasons), but I've never forgotten the inspiration and friendship I found here.

    I'm right there with you on the needing to lose NOW. After the baby was born in November 2011, I couldn't diet because I was breastfeeding. I basically sat at 177 - 185 for six fucking months.

    Now that I'm not nursing, I have the opportunity to lose and get back down to 135 (my reasonable, healthy weight). My fiancee won't let me get any lower. He's hyperaware of my purging, not so much the restricting.

    Too bad I also now have the ability to drink. And drink. And drink. I'm self-medicating every single day with more than 2,000 calories in alcohol. See? It doesn't matter if I starve, I'll still gain or stagnate because I can't stop getting plastered every night. FUN.

    Maybe, if I blog more and read more here, I'll find the motivation and support I need to cut back, if not stop altogether. That would be best, not only for weight loss, but for my mental and physical health.

    Anyway... I'm rambling now. Ha. So glad to see you writing again. I hope you are well today. <3