I don't even know where to begin. The last year has been...well...FAIL. I think I've gained 50lbs. I don't know. I swear I haven't been on a scale since 2010. I am in so much denial it isn't even funny. I've gone up 3-4 sizes and I am sure that I must weigh over 200lbs. I don't know. I simply cannot face the scale. Nope. No way. I would slit my wrists if I saw the number and I can't do that. Gotta stay alive! So, I'm restricting again and sweet mamacita it feels fantastic! So I'm rolling with it. As for the rest of my life, here are the bullet points:
- -still working crappy job
- -Hubby still awesome and sexy! (why is he with me?)
- -we are buying a house at the end of September (so excited!)
- -fat is me
Ooookay, that about wraps it up. Life is relatively good except that I'm fatter that fat but that is about to end. We are moving into the new house in a couple of months and hubs wants to have a big house warming party. I have been avoiding people for the last year because I have gained so much. It's been awful. Everytime there has been a gathering with our friends I have feigned illness. People are starting to think I don't like them but that's not it. I am just not liking me at the moment.
Seriously, 80% of the pounds gained in the last year have gone directly to my ass "do not pass Go, do not collect $200". Fuck. I just lost it. Really. It was scary. Something in me said "fuck it" and I ate without a care. All the time. Often compulsively. I said I loved myself enough to not care but I sooooooooooooo lied about that. I care. I'm fat and unhappy and it has got to stop.
So, I'm back here, reading your blogs, looking for old friends, seeking out new ones. I want to get back in control. For the first time in a long time I feel alive. Yesterday, wasn't perfect but I didn't eat a thing until 3pm which is a MAJOR WIN for me. Especially when I was just eating all-day every-day and all-of-the-time! So far today it's been water and loads of tea. We have a staff lunch today in the conference room so I've ordered a salad which I can pick at. Things should be okay.
I missed this space and missed the camaraderie. I hope all you lovelies out there are doing well.
And don't eat!