19 April 2011

Regaining Control

I am not exactly sure that I understand what happened over the past year.  I felt unbelievably dissatisfied with my life. Not what I would define as unhappy but definitely not happy. I felt restless and often miserable.  I went to see a doctor and was assessed with ADD and prescribed Vyvanse.  Though the Vyvanse helps my ADD I definitely have a history of abusing stimulants which I, of course, failed to mention to my doc.  hmmm.....

I'm rambling.  I don't know what point I want to make about the last year except that I completely threw away my control over food and many other things in my life.  It was weird.  I can't figure out what made me feel such despair.  My husband is awesome, my family is healthy and happy, and my job is a blessing.  Am I just nutty?

I feel like I don't deserve anything I have.

These last few weeks have felt like I am entering the shallow end of a warm pool.  I'm walking in comfortably but with each step I realize I'm heading for the deep end...and I feel almost giddy even though I know I could drown.

I sooooo have issues.

I feel stronger though.  My control is returning and frankly this is the happiest I've felt in AGES!  I know I'm heading toward the deep end but I wonder if I can just stop when the water gets up to my neck.

Maybe I can.
But maybe I won't want to.


1 comment:

  1. Trust me, you never want to. There always a lower weight hovering behind the one you tell yourself is the 'lowest I'll ever go, promise, cross my heart'.

    Welcome back to hell? Or is hell the place with donuts, I never can remember! XD