22 April 2011

Strength via Fear?

I don't have to go to the office.  Yay!  My boss, bless her heart, is letting me work from home this morning since the office closes at noon today and I have a ridiculous commute.  It takes me almost 2 hours ONE WAY to get to work.  My commute is without a doubt the bane of my existence.  Thankfully my boss spared me the four hour round-trip commute for the 3.5 hours of office time I would have had.  She has a good heart and I'm damn lucky to work for her.

Nevertheless I really want to bail on my email this morning and instead head to the gym to kick my own ass with a couple of spin classes.  Work is a pain.  Instead I will wait until noon once the office is closed... but it is killing me!  Several hours at the gym is what I crave.  I should still be able to slip in a cardio class or two before M gets home this afternoon. 

I'm excited and nervous about working out.  You would not believe how long it has been since I've been to the gym.  I used to live there!  I was a reliable fixture every morning.  Now I'll be returning with my head down wearing fat sweatpants and "the t-shirt of shame".  Oof.  There really is no one to blame but me for this impending embarrassment.

I deserve to feel this way.
What the hell happened to me last year?
Who was that masked man?!
Gah, I'm so terrified that I will run into someone I know.

I'm fat.


My fear of the gym is matched only by my panic at the thought of facing the scale right now.  I still haven't found the strength to step on that dreaded monster.  My dread of seeing a high number is keeping my eating in check though.  Fear can be a great motivator!  I came in under 1000 calories yesterday.  Still too much but a vast improvement from where I was just a few weeks ago.  I feel so much stronger and happier, like I'm waking up from a bad dream.  Empowered.  M noted my upbeat mood last night but attributed it to the lovely weather we've had this week.  I didn't bother to correct him but I know the truth...

I am in control again.



Of course life will always have its ups and downs; its good days and bad days, but I am going to try and remember how much better the world looks through this lens. 

Control feels better than any food could ever taste.

Annnnnnd on that note - I wish you all a lovely weekend!

Stay strong ladies.


  1. I'm sure youll do alot better than me at the gym. Gl hon


  2. Ummm and i thought I had it bad commuting an hour each way to work. 2 hours? OMG!

    ~ H