Unseen

Sometimes I'm aware of my invisibility.
People lay their sight upon me but look right through.
I don't know that anyone has ever taken in a full view.
I don't think that even I have shone light in every corner of my space.

And yet we know we are here.
We feel.
We laugh.
We push.
We love.
We carve out these cyberspaces and pour out what we've been carrying.
We express.
We confess.
We rant.
We reveal.

Still, I walk around feeling invisible
And I don't know if it is because I can not be seen
Or that I consciously want to be unseen.

_____________________________

I am actually in a better mood today my friends, just feeling reflective.  My workouts have been exhausting which is good.  I'm terrified of the scale but I think I may step on it this weekend.  I'll keep you posted.

You ladies...well, you're just awesome-sauce!  The kindness, thoughtfulness, love, and support you all give to me so freely is something I treasure as much as the air that I breathe.  Thank you.

I'm not at all hungry this morning so I'm going to put off eating for as long as possible...hopefully all day!

Boo Food.
Yay Me!

xoxoxox  :)

January sucks.

This is the hardest part of the year for me.
I suffer from S.A.D.(Seasonal Affective Disorder)
What that basically means is that the state of my mood is directly related to the amount of sunlight to which I am exposed.  Thus, during the winter months when there is less sunlight available (and I see virtually none of it due to my office job and work schedule) my mood falls lower and lower.  It is never a good time of year for me.

Last year, after avoiding the suggestion since my teens, I finally broke down and bought a full spectrum “sun lamp” that I sit in front of for 15 minutes up to two hours a day.  It helps and I would never live without one now but it still doesn’t make all of the SAD symptoms go away.

Anyway, I am finding myself in that sullen/depressed/temperamental space again this year but I’m trying harder to fight my way out. 

Exercise helps.
Spiritual reflection helps.
And unfortunately b/p is a crutch that gets me through as well.

Yeah, so I b/p’d last night.
Me, four slices of pizza, and two glasses of wine spent a little time together.
It could have been worse but I count that fact as the slimmest of victories.

But I digress…

I feel utterly lonely these days.
My family is in Michigan.
I have only one friend who lives in the area and she is busy with a budding career, two sons, a bi-polar ex-husband, and a fiancé.

M is the most wonderful husband in the world but I find myself getting irritable in his mere presence and unable to tell him at all how I am feeling.

My sister, my best friend, is back in Michigan and struggling to watch her chosen career industry die (newspaper journalism), support the co-workers that she loves and has worked with for over a decade, and raise my beautiful niece and nephew.  She is a rock to so many of her others friends that are struggling with life issues that I just don’t want to put anymore on her plate of woes.  So I don’t tell her anything either.

My mom is an amazing woman who now in her 60s is finally taking care of herself, her health, and having the time of her life providing full-time daycare for my niece and nephew.  She also has 9 (yes, you read that right) sisters who are in various stages of life that she laughs with and counsels with constantly.  I don’t want her worry about me.

Those people are all I’ve got really and I feel tremendous guilty if any of them think for even a moment that I am unhappy so I put on the smiley face, listen to all the things that are going on in their lives and keep my mouth shut about the demons screeching in my skull.

The result?

I feel hollow and alone and like a burden.

Then this morning as I’m driving to the train I hear a story on NPR about people in Haiti struggling to survive without shelter and food.

Without food.

Families struggling to give whatever food they can find to their children, neighbors joining together to feed the elderly survivors, children who have lost all of their family members….

And I feel even more guilt for being so selfish and narcissistic as to throw up pizza last night and worrying about a few calories when there are those who have nothing.

Nothing.

Ugh.  I’m sorry for this morose post girls.

I obviously need a lot more coffee...and probably to get laid asap.  lol

Bottom line:  If I didn’t have you guys, I don’t know what I’d do.

Stay lovely.
xoxoxoxox

Mania

I had a lousy weekend.  It was the end of a week long terrible mood.  Although my eating wasn't too terrible, it was far from stellar.

Plus, on Saturday night I stayed  home and sulked which was not good.  M and I were invited to a party that I really wanted to attend but there was a good chance that J (the one who shafted me for thousands of dollars over the car I "sold" her) was going to be there and I know that if I was to see here, especially if alcohol was involved, that I probably would have drop kicked her ugly ass on sight.

So yeah, I stayed home and M went without me.

I was pissed.

Sometimes I really hate people.

sigh.

Anyway, the only good thing that came out of my sullen mood this weekend was the drive I took to the gym.

I fucking worked out like a CHAMP this weekend on Saturday and Sunday.  Yesterday was the best!  I spent 4 hours at the gym which ended with the most intense spinning class I've ever conquered.  It was a new teacher and he was brutal.  I fucking loved every minute of it as I cursed his soul to hell with each twist of the gears.

I am sore as hell today...and oh so very happy.  Like, ridiculously happy!

I feel a round of exercise mania coming on and me likey!!

I go through periods of exercise mania several times a year.  It's awesome.  I can't stay out of the gym.  Sometimes I'll workout before work, at lunch, and after work.  I don't know what brings them on or why I can't seem to maintain them forever.  It usually lasts 6-10 weeks and I just ride the wave to weight loss and a better looking ass.  :)

I couldn't hit the gym this morning because I had to be in the office early but the gym bag is packed and I'm planning on spending a couple of hours there tonight.  I can't wait!

Plus, today is a fasting day which I think think I can handle.  I've brought  a protein shake just in case I need a little something before I workout but I'm going to try to avoid it if I can.  I want to end this day with no/little calories in and many many calories burned.

And I'm seriously considering taking a "sick day" tomorrow and spending the day at the gym.

How fucking awesome would that be?

Stay lovely ladies!!

Empty

Thanks for bearing with me and yesterday's post ladies.  My mood has been for shit this week.  I am feeling better this morning though.  Mostly because my stomach is delightfully empty and it's Friday.  Good riddance to a shitty week!

I plan on fasting today.  No green smoothies or protein shakes.  Just water and maybe a cup of coffee or two.

I desperately need the empty.

PMS

PMS is real and I'm presently in its wicked grasp.

I'm desperately holding on to not eating.  Just a protein shake on deck today which should keep me under 300 calories.

I feel like I'm going crazy the last two days.  I haven't had PMS this bad since last summer.

Ugh.

I've been thinking a lot about suicide.

Don't worry, I would never try it (again) but I have just been thinking about it a LOT.

There is a twisted logic that tells me that everything would be better for everyone in my life if I wasn't here.

I know it's the PMS talking.

But sometimes it just feels like it is using the loudest microphone in my head.

We come and go.

I know that this blogger "community" is always growing, changing, and modifying in size.

I know that we are ultimately all strangers.

I know that we are all on different paths; we are all in different places in our lives; we are joined by something that drives us to various levels of distraction and also destruction.

And yet, although I know all of this logically, my heart connects to you each.

I know what it is like to feel so much and use this outlet to cull through my emotions and hopefully find some camaraderie with those who understand.

That's why I feel sad when people go.

Even when I know it is probably the best for them.

...

Together we come
This place fills with honesty
We leave behind truth

Mood, Movies, and Spin Class

My mood is a bit all over the place today.

And it is only 10:30am....NOT a good sign.

Oof.

I've been cranky, happy, snuggly, annoyed, excited, solemn, and content....all in the last two hours!

Fuck.

I need more to my life.  Sometimes I wonder if M and I should have children just so I stop obsessing over my damn self.  Then of course I realize that I shouldn't have children because I can't stop obsessing over my damn self!

Fuck.

M and I are heading out for a double feature afternoon today.  I want to see Daybreakers (I'm totally in to freaky vampire horror movies...especially if they star Ethan Hawke who I find oddly sexy in many many ways.) and then we are going to see The Book of Eli because Denzel Washington makes me want to throw my panties at the screen.  (Sorry for the TMI!)

God bless M for letting me drool over my favorite celebs.  He's a good hubby even though I almost embarass him when we see anything with Jason Statham in it.  (Jason Statham is TEH HAWT to me.)  Speaking of:

Woo!!!  I know he is not everyone's type but sweet jebus he is the epitome of rugged sexuality to me.  And that body!  Oh God.

Okaaayyyyyy, drooling over.

Yesterday morning I went to a spin class. It KICKED MY ASS.  I am so sore today.

Of course I'm going to go again tomorrow.  I hate my thighs with a passion unknown.

Alrighty...not much else going on in my world.  I'm just a woman trying not to eat.

xoxox