04 February 2010

"Three days was the morning"

I walked in the bathroom this morning and said "fuck you" to my toilet.
I didn't miss it.
Mia was sitting on a little chair behind it,
just relaxing and filing her nails.
She grinned at me.
"You'll be back."
She stated.
"Fuck you too."
I responded
and promptly ignored her.


I feel gooooooooooood this morning ladies.
Shockingly good.  :D
I've awoke once again with a gloriously empty tummy and no lingering taste of the previous night's binge in the back of my throat.


I've been fasting during the day all of this week.  I make a low-cal smoothie when I get home before bed.  Last night I came home and made a small green smoothie:

1/2 cup low-fat vanilla kefir (it's like drinkable yogurt)
1.5 cups frozen blueberries
2 cups spinach (first blended with water)
Total = 212 cals

I really want to keep my smoothies as low cal as possible.  This one was a bit heavy on the blueberries and lighter on the vanilla kefir so the taste wasn't as sweet but it was still good and I felt satisfied afterward.

After the smoothie I spent some quality time with M for awhile and went to bed...purge free!  :)

I know as part of the challenge we are supposed to give our mid-week weight but I can't manage it.  I have serious scale phobia.  The scale makes me positively crazy.  I pretty much go by how my clothes are fitting.  If skirts are sliding off my hips then I'm happy.  I am just going to focus on not purging and hardcore restricting for now.  I'll try to muster up the strength to get on the scale once my current "status suit" looks too huge to wear.  And I'm getting close! I wore the ss-suit yesterday to work and realized that the skirt is hanging hilariously low on my hips.  But I don't care.  It feels good when my clothes start to fall off.     It reminds me that I'm shrinking.

I'm planning on fasting today as well.  We are gearing up for another big snow storm to start tomorrow morning.  They are predicting 12-20 more inches!  So M wants me to go grocery shopping tonight so that we don't have to venture out at all this weekend.  I am feeling pretty strong about the grocery shopping.  I know that I can buy enough low-cal stuff to  get me through the weekend.

The only thing is that the weekends are when I am prone to binge.  So is it wrong if I just plan a b/p for Saturday night?  I am wondering if that will make me feel like I have more control over it.  I mean, maybe I can get through today and Friday easier if I know that I can b/p on Saturday.  You think??

Fuck...I am just making excuses to justify my fucked up disorder.


I'm really proud of making it three days.
But I'm also getting kind of scared.

Does that make any sense??



  1. i understand it but it doesnt make sense... why sabotage yourself? i think that days of doing really well must eventually be followed by days of sensible eating. otherwise you flit between fasting and purging and your body will not thank you for that. and you will feel crappy to break your streak. why not try and see if your good week will carry you through a weekend of moderation?

  2. i think that instead of planning a b/p day, maybe plan out a higher cal day instead. it helps me not purge if i tell myself" its okay to eat___ amount of calories today".im so happy your doing good, keep up the good work. your getting stronger every day!
    hang in there

  3. Wow wow! You're doing amazingly well! Your willpower and your strength to be able to tell Mia to fuck off, it's so admirable.

    I worry that a binge will 'open' your stomach back up. The appetite shrinks so much after a couple days of fasting, a full-on binge might open your hunger back up and make it harder not to eat afterward.

    However, if you're anything like me, eating without binging isn't possible. Ember's advice is definitely the best one - but I know how hard it is to eat anything without it turning into a binge.

    Stay strong and remember the milestone you've accomplished this week! Lots of love


  4. Regarding your ADD comment:
    I've heard stuff about some medications suppressing appetite as well. Actually, the only thing I'd heard about Adderal before I started researching was that it caused rapid weight loss. So I'm tempted. But I still have mixed feelings, because I've read a few things about weight gain, and like you, I rarely take medications, even aspirin or Midol. Something about taking a pill would make me feel so weak.

    I'm rather conflicted.

    Will you elaborate on your experiences with Adderal? Is it that "miracle drug" everyone claims it is?

  5. One:
    YOU'RE AMAZING! Three days is incredible!!!

    You should choose three things that you're most likely to binge on, and then when you go grocery shopping buy the low-cal version of them. Then, Saturday morning, plan out when you'll eat them, and how much gym-time it will take to work any excess cals off. Maybe having it so pre-planned will take away from the "OhmygodI'meatingfood!!!" that starts bingeing.

    That is just my very unprofessional opinion.
    If you DID plan a b/p session, I would be the LAST person to judge you for it. <3

  6. It makes total sense to me, it's like the higher you climb the bigger the fall, but it doesn't have to be! It's all in your head.

    Keep on Succeeding, that skirt will be falling OFF of you in no time!!

  7. I put spinach in my smoothies, too!!!! AWESOME!!!! It's great for your iron intake :)

  8. Seriously wow, well done! Hope Mia continues to leave you be...and I agree with ya'll up there about a higher cal day instead of b/p...I find it helps me stay on track with restricting. Take care x