I.DID.NOT.PURGE.YESTERDAY.
(let me just sit with that for a minute)...
:D
I honestly have not gone two full days without purging (even liquids like sugary coffee!) since last September.
I am so happy about it that I could just cry.
okay...I am....brb...
(2 minutes later)
I feel silly. Sitting here teary-eyed because I didn't puke for two days but oh, there are not words enough to express just how proud I am of that right now. It feels like a pathetic thing to be proud of but I am. Powerfully proud of myself.
The last few months have been just...horrid. Purging daily. Often multiple times.
Purging is such a visceral reflection of just how deeply I despise myself. Yet there is this 'rush' that I sometimes get afterward. I can't really explain it.
But these tears feel like a balm. I suppose I need them.
Look, don't get me wrong. Like most of us here I am riddled with the dichotomy of intensely hating myself (for eating) and strong love for myself (for not eating). Healthy? No. But I am at least trying to face the odd truth of that love/hate passion for me.
Now, I also make full admission that not purging presently means pretty much not eating. Again, is this a healthy trade off? No. But I'm fine with that too for now. The purging is robbing my spirit much more than the restricting.
And I am not going to sit here and think that I've beat this thing and I'll never purge again. Ha! I will. But today I feel a little stronger than yesterday.
Today I woke up to the pride of knowing I have put a hold on my beast for the last two days.
I will take that victory thankyouverymuch and raise my head high.
I did not purge yesterday.
I.did.not.purge.
:D !!
You guys are the most amazing human beings. I am profoundly grateful for your support, encouragement, and each of your lovely blogs.
xoxoxox,
A
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Youre amazing dear.
ReplyDeleteDont feel silly at all.
Not purging is a feat!
Love, Andy
congrats! i'm so proud of you! stay strong! =]
ReplyDeletexoxo
woo its the best feeling right?! hold onto it in your weak moments this week - if two days felt good then you know even longer will feel even better! so happy for you... xx
ReplyDeleteyou're welcome--and thanks for the comment on mine as well. i enjoy your blog very much. and about not purging, i think this is a huge accomplishment. it's so important for you to see that purging is not necessary. this may sound odd, since i'm not ana, but i think that purging is way worse than restricting. find a healthier outlet for your feelings and if you have overeaten, accept that feeling and don't allow purging as a mode of escape. again, i'm not ana so i can't really understand, but this is just how i see the situation.
ReplyDeletecongrats! im so proud of you, resisting the "urge to purge" is so hard to do but you did it! thats amazing. i know exactly what you mean by getting a rush from it, i do to. just stay strong and focused and soon purging will just be a distant memory.
ReplyDeletestay strong
meg
Good for you!!
ReplyDeleteCONGRATS girl!!! This is a huge accomplishment and you should be so, so proud of yourself. Realize you've broken the hardest cycle, you've risen above! Amazing. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so inspiring. I will keep you and your accomplishment and strength on my mind today! Lots of love
xoxoxo
Wow!! Major respect for the non purge!!! I struggle with this so much, so understand how difficult, and how happy you feel! Congrats xx
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome, A!!
ReplyDeleteIt's SUCH a hard thing to do, convincing your mind and body to cooperate one another when they're used to fighting and hating each other. I'm so happy for you! <3
And about switching from purging to restricting... I don't think that's a horrible thing. Yes, you're right, it's not technically healthy, but I think restricting is much better for your mind and body. It makes me feel as if I have more control.
Good luck with today's challenges, beautiful!
yay happy for you!
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Awesome. And. Seriously. Amazing.
ReplyDeleteJust saying.
yay! that's aweseome! also, thanks for leaving a comment & following me! =)
ReplyDeleteHey! I'm so proud of you! I'm the exact same way, I know how hard it is. Two days is a very high accomplishment! You've just injected me with adrenaline, reading this. Now I want to see how long I can go without purging. I've been trying very hard but I usually give up after day 1. My body just craves it. I know I can overcome it though!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, and I hope you make your two days purge-free into three!
IDK if my last post was received, but here it is again:
ReplyDelete"GREAT JOB!!! Everyday is a small but meaningful victory. Be proud; you should be. YOU ARE IN CONTROL."
:)