03 February 2010

2 days free of the beast!


(let me just sit with that for a minute)...


I honestly have not gone two full days without purging (even liquids like sugary coffee!) since last September.

I am so happy about it that I could just cry.

okay...I am....brb...

(2 minutes later)

I feel silly.  Sitting here teary-eyed because I didn't puke for two days but oh, there are not words enough to express just how proud I am of that right now.  It feels like a pathetic thing to be proud of but I am.  Powerfully proud of myself.

The last few months have been just...horrid.  Purging daily.  Often multiple times.

Purging is such a visceral reflection of just how deeply I despise myself.  Yet there is this 'rush' that I sometimes get afterward.  I can't really explain it.

But these tears feel like a balm.  I suppose I need them.

Look, don't get me wrong.  Like most of us here I am riddled with the dichotomy of intensely hating myself (for eating) and strong love for myself (for not eating).  Healthy?  No.  But I am at least trying to face the odd truth of that love/hate passion for me.

Now, I also make full admission that not purging presently means pretty much not eating.  Again, is this a healthy trade off?  No.  But I'm fine with that too for now.  The purging is robbing my spirit much more than the restricting.

And I am not going to sit here and think that I've beat this thing and I'll never purge again.  Ha!  I will.  But today I feel a little stronger than yesterday.

Today I woke up to the pride of knowing I have put a hold on my beast for the last two days.

I will take that victory thankyouverymuch and raise my head high.

I did not purge yesterday.


:D !!

You guys are the most amazing human beings.  I am profoundly grateful for your support, encouragement, and each of your lovely blogs.




  1. Youre amazing dear.
    Dont feel silly at all.
    Not purging is a feat!

    Love, Andy

  2. congrats! i'm so proud of you! stay strong! =]


  3. woo its the best feeling right?! hold onto it in your weak moments this week - if two days felt good then you know even longer will feel even better! so happy for you... xx

  4. you're welcome--and thanks for the comment on mine as well. i enjoy your blog very much. and about not purging, i think this is a huge accomplishment. it's so important for you to see that purging is not necessary. this may sound odd, since i'm not ana, but i think that purging is way worse than restricting. find a healthier outlet for your feelings and if you have overeaten, accept that feeling and don't allow purging as a mode of escape. again, i'm not ana so i can't really understand, but this is just how i see the situation.

  5. congrats! im so proud of you, resisting the "urge to purge" is so hard to do but you did it! thats amazing. i know exactly what you mean by getting a rush from it, i do to. just stay strong and focused and soon purging will just be a distant memory.
    stay strong

  6. CONGRATS girl!!! This is a huge accomplishment and you should be so, so proud of yourself. Realize you've broken the hardest cycle, you've risen above! Amazing. :)

    Thank you for being so inspiring. I will keep you and your accomplishment and strength on my mind today! Lots of love


  7. Wow!! Major respect for the non purge!!! I struggle with this so much, so understand how difficult, and how happy you feel! Congrats xx

  8. That's awesome, A!!
    It's SUCH a hard thing to do, convincing your mind and body to cooperate one another when they're used to fighting and hating each other. I'm so happy for you! <3

    And about switching from purging to restricting... I don't think that's a horrible thing. Yes, you're right, it's not technically healthy, but I think restricting is much better for your mind and body. It makes me feel as if I have more control.

    Good luck with today's challenges, beautiful!

  9. yay happy for you!

  10. You. Are. Awesome. And. Seriously. Amazing.

    Just saying.

  11. yay! that's aweseome! also, thanks for leaving a comment & following me! =)

  12. Hey! I'm so proud of you! I'm the exact same way, I know how hard it is. Two days is a very high accomplishment! You've just injected me with adrenaline, reading this. Now I want to see how long I can go without purging. I've been trying very hard but I usually give up after day 1. My body just craves it. I know I can overcome it though!

    Hang in there, and I hope you make your two days purge-free into three!

  13. IDK if my last post was received, but here it is again:

    "GREAT JOB!!! Everyday is a small but meaningful victory. Be proud; you should be. YOU ARE IN CONTROL."