03 February 2010

2 days free of the beast!

I.DID.NOT.PURGE.YESTERDAY.

(let me just sit with that for a minute)...

:D

I honestly have not gone two full days without purging (even liquids like sugary coffee!) since last September.

I am so happy about it that I could just cry.

okay...I am....brb...

(2 minutes later)

I feel silly.  Sitting here teary-eyed because I didn't puke for two days but oh, there are not words enough to express just how proud I am of that right now.  It feels like a pathetic thing to be proud of but I am.  Powerfully proud of myself.

The last few months have been just...horrid.  Purging daily.  Often multiple times.

Purging is such a visceral reflection of just how deeply I despise myself.  Yet there is this 'rush' that I sometimes get afterward.  I can't really explain it.

But these tears feel like a balm.  I suppose I need them.

Look, don't get me wrong.  Like most of us here I am riddled with the dichotomy of intensely hating myself (for eating) and strong love for myself (for not eating).  Healthy?  No.  But I am at least trying to face the odd truth of that love/hate passion for me.

Now, I also make full admission that not purging presently means pretty much not eating.  Again, is this a healthy trade off?  No.  But I'm fine with that too for now.  The purging is robbing my spirit much more than the restricting.

And I am not going to sit here and think that I've beat this thing and I'll never purge again.  Ha!  I will.  But today I feel a little stronger than yesterday.

Today I woke up to the pride of knowing I have put a hold on my beast for the last two days.

I will take that victory thankyouverymuch and raise my head high.

I did not purge yesterday.

I.did.not.purge.

:D !!

You guys are the most amazing human beings.  I am profoundly grateful for your support, encouragement, and each of your lovely blogs.

xoxoxox,
A

                            

14 comments:

  1. Youre amazing dear.
    Dont feel silly at all.
    Not purging is a feat!

    Love, Andy

    ReplyDelete
  2. congrats! i'm so proud of you! stay strong! =]

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. woo its the best feeling right?! hold onto it in your weak moments this week - if two days felt good then you know even longer will feel even better! so happy for you... xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. you're welcome--and thanks for the comment on mine as well. i enjoy your blog very much. and about not purging, i think this is a huge accomplishment. it's so important for you to see that purging is not necessary. this may sound odd, since i'm not ana, but i think that purging is way worse than restricting. find a healthier outlet for your feelings and if you have overeaten, accept that feeling and don't allow purging as a mode of escape. again, i'm not ana so i can't really understand, but this is just how i see the situation.

    ReplyDelete
  5. congrats! im so proud of you, resisting the "urge to purge" is so hard to do but you did it! thats amazing. i know exactly what you mean by getting a rush from it, i do to. just stay strong and focused and soon purging will just be a distant memory.
    stay strong
    meg

    ReplyDelete
  6. CONGRATS girl!!! This is a huge accomplishment and you should be so, so proud of yourself. Realize you've broken the hardest cycle, you've risen above! Amazing. :)

    Thank you for being so inspiring. I will keep you and your accomplishment and strength on my mind today! Lots of love

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow!! Major respect for the non purge!!! I struggle with this so much, so understand how difficult, and how happy you feel! Congrats xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. That's awesome, A!!
    It's SUCH a hard thing to do, convincing your mind and body to cooperate one another when they're used to fighting and hating each other. I'm so happy for you! <3

    And about switching from purging to restricting... I don't think that's a horrible thing. Yes, you're right, it's not technically healthy, but I think restricting is much better for your mind and body. It makes me feel as if I have more control.

    Good luck with today's challenges, beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You. Are. Awesome. And. Seriously. Amazing.

    Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  10. yay! that's aweseome! also, thanks for leaving a comment & following me! =)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey! I'm so proud of you! I'm the exact same way, I know how hard it is. Two days is a very high accomplishment! You've just injected me with adrenaline, reading this. Now I want to see how long I can go without purging. I've been trying very hard but I usually give up after day 1. My body just craves it. I know I can overcome it though!

    Hang in there, and I hope you make your two days purge-free into three!

    ReplyDelete
  12. IDK if my last post was received, but here it is again:

    "GREAT JOB!!! Everyday is a small but meaningful victory. Be proud; you should be. YOU ARE IN CONTROL."

    :)

    ReplyDelete