I didn't purge yesterday! Woot! :-D
Granted, I didn't really eat anything but hey...a victory is a victory right?
I fasted until I got home last night and then threw two frozen bananas and a half cup of yogurt into the blender for some "ice cream". After eating that, I went to bed. I'm going to put the calories between 200-300 total thus the day was a 'Win' in my book.
Today I am focused on fasting once again. If I get hungry when I get home tonight I'm going to make sure it is just fruits and veg before bedtime.
I'm feeling good!
One thing did happen yesterday that I wanted to share with you guys...
One of my closest friends in the world texted me. She was my only bridesmaid (my sister was my Maid of Honor). I love her to death but we seriously haven't talked in months because her life is so hectic.
Anyway, she texted me to say that she missed me, which was sweet, and also to let me know that she is "getting fat again" and wanted some diet tips/advice/encouragement. See, over the years I have become her diet guru. She knows that there is nothing I haven't tried (short of surgery) to lose weight. So she comes to me whenever she's packed on the pounds and I fill her in on whatever is working for me at the time. I've even (totally illegally) shipped her prescription weight-loss meds.
Other than you guys she is the only person in the world that has any real idea of all of the stuff I've done in the pursuit of weight loss.
However, the one thing I've never NEVER told anyone in my life directly is that I have an ED.
Now, of course an argument can be made that anyone paying attention could discern evidence of my ED behaviors but I've just never said it out loud. I've never used the ana or mia words to describe my behavior even though I completely acknowledge that is what is going on.
But yesterday, I almost told her.
I put it in a text message response.
"Sure I can give you diet ideas if you want the insight of someone in the throes of an eating disorder."
Yeah, I typed that out.
But I didn't send it. I had a fleeting moment where I wanted to.
A fleeting moment when I thought that maybe I should tell someone.
Maybe I should talk about it.
But I can't. I just can't.
I just want to be thin.
I need this secret for now.
I am not sure of who I would be without it.