02 February 2010

this secret

I didn't purge yesterday!  Woot! :-D

Granted, I didn't really eat anything but hey...a victory is a victory right?

I fasted until I got home last night and then threw two frozen bananas and a half cup of yogurt into the blender for some "ice cream".  After eating that, I went to bed.  I'm going to put the calories between 200-300 total thus the day was a 'Win' in my book.

Today I am focused on fasting once again.  If I get hungry when I get home tonight I'm going to make sure it is just fruits and veg before bedtime.

I'm feeling good!

One thing did happen yesterday that I wanted to share with you guys...

One of my closest friends in the world texted me.  She was my only bridesmaid (my sister was my Maid of Honor). I love her to death but we seriously haven't talked in months because her life is so hectic. 

Anyway, she texted me to say that she missed me, which was sweet, and also to let me know that she is "getting fat again" and wanted some diet tips/advice/encouragement.  See, over the years I have become her diet guru.  She knows that there is nothing I haven't tried (short of surgery) to lose weight.  So she comes to me whenever she's packed on the pounds and I fill her in on whatever is working for me at the time.  I've even (totally illegally) shipped her prescription weight-loss meds. 

Other than you guys she is the only person in the world that has any real idea of all of the stuff I've done in the pursuit of weight loss.

However, the one thing I've never NEVER told anyone in my life directly is that I have an ED.

Now, of course an argument can be made that anyone paying attention could discern evidence of my ED behaviors but I've just never said it out loud.  I've never used the ana or mia words to describe my behavior even though I completely acknowledge that is what is going on.

But yesterday, I almost told her.

I put it in a text message response.

"Sure I can give you diet ideas if you want the insight of someone in the throes of an eating disorder."

Yeah, I typed that out.

But I didn't send it.  I had a fleeting moment where I wanted to.

A fleeting moment when I thought that maybe I should tell someone.

Maybe I should talk about it.

But I can't.  I just can't. 

I just want to be thin.

I need this secret for now.

I am not sure of who I would be without it.



  1. That is fine. You don't need to tell anyone. I've found that with a lot of things, people just don't/won't understand. I'm sure she'd be supportive of you, but it might cause undue alarm and worry. Whenever I tell my friends "uh, I can't eat today" or whatever, I always get the "but you HAVE to eat!" Of course, they're not fat, so they don't get it, and (sad to say) I think some would rather I stayed fat as to not become "competition".

    Your secret it our secret, until you are ready to tell someone. You're being a good friend by helping a friend who has asked for help. Whenever you feel you might need her assistance, I'm sure she'll be there for you.

    Stay determined in your fast; you have the power!! I think I'll try your "ice cream" recipe!I make smoothies with bananas often, but never tried it frozen...

    Did you know???: The calories in a banana provides our body with the energy required for performing daily activities. Body builders, athletes, and those who work out to remain fit are recommended to eat at least one banana an hour before they start their exercise regime. *Even a single banana can give them the energy to work out continuously for more than ninety minutes*. As bananas contain very less fat, they are also a *necessary food item for people who want to lose weight*.

  2. I can really understand you not telling anyone. I've wanted to tell my best friend for so long, but then I decide it wouldn't be a good idea. She wouldn't understand-she's one of the "naturally skinny" people. As in naturally underweight.

    I also think that as long as I'm still fat (as in not emaciated), what's the point in telling anyone, because I'm not sick physically. I don't want to get better right now. I want to get thin.

  3. ADIFHIADSOJFDOSJF ! ! ! ! ! !!


    Im so proud.
    Not gunna lie, when I decide not to purge, it just means no eating.


    Thats exciting.

    And dont worry about the secret thing.
    Its sometimes better to be kept to yourself.
    And the rest of us :)

    Stay strong girl !

    Love, Andy

  4. without your secret, you would be...you, just exposed. you would feel naked and vulnerable and available, but i have a gut feeling that you would feel entirely new.

  5. it's always struck me as crazy that we can eat this way and as long as we say its "healthy" or that we "read about it in a article" then nobody even thinks the words anorexic or eating disordered.sometimes it would be so much easier if we didnt have to do this in secrecy.and it sucks that if anyone knew about what we do to ourselves we would become lepers to them.
    your ED doesnt define you.you would still be the same beautiful,honest,supportive woman with or without this ED.i would still want to read your blog whether or not it was diet related.
    just try to stay focused on how great you are doing, and take it one day at a time :)
    stay strong

  6. We won't tell anyone, hun. Its funny how obvious it seems like it should be but people just don't pay attention. I know how you feel though. You want so badly to tell someone "I DIDN'T EAT TODAY ON FUCKING PURPOSE! ISN'T THAT FANTASTIC???" but yet you almost want people to notice on their own. Its such a twisted dichotomy I can't even wrap my head around it sometimes.

    Someone else also posted about frozen blended bananas being the "least caloric ice cream". Now I really want to try that.

    Take it easy, dear.



  7. My friends know I have "food" issues but I have never described it to anyone as an ED. Mostly b/c I am not convinced that I have one. I am sort of in that "gray" area. I minimize my behaviors to friends and try not to talk it up too much to hubby and everyone is fine with me being supposedly "so skinny." I am not emaciated so everybody is fine.