Sometimes...

I hate every single cell of my being with a vicious fire of pure disgust.

Thus, this explains the day I am having today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

What had happened was...

I binged last night. It was pretty bad. My fiance has hurt his back so badly that he is off work for the week. He usually just fends for himself when it comes to food but under the circumstances I've had to prepare his dinners. It is killing me. Normally I come home and just avoid the kitchen altogether. Anyway, last night there was pasta, garlic bread, cheese....it was horrid. But! I got up this morning and took my big ass to the gym and tried to kill myself on the elliptical machine for 60 minutes. It felt great.

I brought a protein shake in case I get hungry later today.

I am not happy about the binge last night obviously but I'm feeling stronger and more resolved today. The morning workouts are doing wonders for my energy levels.

A note on my latest Ana Porn (per G.Samsa):

I am reading Fasting Girls: A History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. It is fascinating! Granted, History was one of my majors in college so I enjoy this kind of read but seriously this book is very informative if you want a sociocultural-historical perspective of anorexia. What I've found interesting is that the reasons and causes of eating disorders in women fundamentally haven't changed even as our societies and cultures have evolved the last 200 years. It is a history of mixed messages and denying women an equal voice. Bottom line: I recommend it.

I also recommend staying hungry...which I intend to do today!

I am grateful to all of you ladies for your blogs and comments. You give me strength. I hope I give you some back.

*muah* <3

Envy

This morning at the gym, there was this ana on one of the elliptical machines in front of me. Of course, I don't know for sure that she was/is ana but she was so lovely. I could see the bones of her shoulders and back through her workout shirt.

I almost cried with longing.

I want to see bones.

I want to be bones.

The Aftermath

Bachelorette Party = Calorie Madness

I am a cow.

Repeat.

I am a cow.
I am a cow.
I am a cow.
I am a cow
I am a cow.

I drank. I ate. I expanded.

Now, it is over.

I did, for no logical reason, have breakfast this morning but that is it. I am fasting until my Saturday morning weigh-in.

The weekend was great. My friends took me out and we had a fantastic time. I got ridiculously drunk. Apparently when you go out all dressed up wearing a veil and a feather boa people let in you places free and give you lots of free shots. Had I known this previously, I would have been wearing a veil out to the bar for years.

The last thing I remember on Saturday night is that they played "Dancing Queen" by Abba and I was so drunk that I thought that I was the Dancing Queen and threw my arms up and shimmied in the middle of the dance floor during the entire song. After Dancing Queen - everything is hazy. Apparently additional shots were consumed then they dragged me to the limo and took my ass home. Oh, and I may or may not have flashed someone from the limo. That detail has been hotly debated.

It was fun but thank heavens it is over.

No more food or alcohol for me.

I missed you guys. You motivate me tremendously. I was so happy to get back to reading your blogs this morning and I'm loving faz's weight loss competition. I'm signing right up!

Weight loss and eating issues did come up in discussion with a few friends and my sister on Friday night. My sister, of course, was completely dismissive and basically treated me like an idiot for talking about my drive to lose weight and the upcoming wedding in particular. It is like I am a freak for giving a damn how I look. I swear. I get so fucking sick of her dismissing things that I think are important. Whatever. I will happily be the skinny sister. She just pisses me off. I am pretty sure that she doesn't even like me. If we weren't sisters we probably wouldn't be friends.

I was incredibly happy that my friend S who lives out here in Maryland, traveled back home with me for the weekend. She was my partner in crime. I don't know what I would have done without her. We may not agree on everything but at least she doesn't treat me like an idiot.

Oh well, enough about that crap. I'm trying to get my skinny on!

From this moment until the Saturday morning weigh-in I plan on having only water and herbal tea. If I feel weak at any point I may throw in a small protein shake (max 300 cals). Also, I can't get to the gym today but tomorrow through Friday I'm getting up early to workout before I go into the office.

Stay strong. Stay hungry!

Never satisfied

Two days of fasting - done.

I haven't done two consecutive days of fasting in a long long time. I think I could go farther. I want to go farther but I have a hell of a weekend in front of me. I'm going to have a protein shake and them I'm going into the city early to hit the gym before work. After work I am heading directly to the airport and then don't return home until Monday.

One thing that I am going to miss the most this weekend is my Saturday morning weigh-in. I live for it. But I'm so OCD that I feel like I can't weigh myself this morning because it is not Saturday. That means I'll have to wait another entire week. Gah! I should just go weigh myself now. Right? I've been doing pretty good this week and following a two day fast the number has to be good right? Plus my clothes feel loose so....aw fuck it, I'm going to weigh myself....brb......


I'm down 2 more pounds from last week.

Fuck.

I have the metabolism of a worm.

I really fucking feel like it should be more. I haven't eaten anything in two goddamn days.

Well, could be worse. I could be up 2lbs.

I'm am kicking my ass at the gym this morning. This weight is NOT coming off fast enough.

Hope you all enjoy the weekend.

Stay strong. Stay hungry.

AP

Inspired by G. Samsa's post, I thought I would no longer call the books I've been reading 'ED books' and heretofore address them, per her suggestion, as "Ana Porn". :)

I have read the following in the last few weeks:

Wasted – Marya Horbacher
The Best Little Girl In the World - Steven Levenkron
Going Hungry: Writers on Desire, Self-Denial, and Overcoming Anorexia - Kate M. Taylor
Purge: Rehab Diaries - Nicole Johns
Stick Figure - Lori Gottlieb
Wintergirls - Laurie Halse Anderson

Wasted, as I'm sure you all know, is a classic. I would also strongly suggest Wintergirls, which I just finished yesterday. It was powerful. The Best Little Girl In The World was good but I could never forget that it was written by a male ED doctor. The essays in Going Hungry were interesting mostly because of the variety of voices; young,old, black, white, rich, poor. Some of the essays stuck with me and some were dreadful. Take what you will from it. As for Purge by Nichole Johns, I have mixed feelings about it. The ending left me wanting but I suppose that's how life is with an ED. Stick Figure was a surprisingly enjoyable read. The author's smart-ass personality appealed to me.

I am currently reading Running on Empty by Carrie Arnold. She's a heady combination of depression, OCD, and ana. Very self-aware and very self destructive. So far I like her a lot.

I also bought the book Thin by Lauren Greenfield. Greenfield did a documentary of the same name for HBO. I've never seen the film but the book is amazing. She is a photographer and the pictures she took of the women and girls at Renfrew just have to be seen. The book lays out their stories in their own words and although they are some of the most gut wrenching accounts of lives come undone, I find myself gazing over the images and feeling thinspired. How sick am I?

In addition I have Perfect: Anorexia & Me by Emily Halban and Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg sitting on my shelf waiting for me to read next.

I have been a bit overcome with all of the AP I'm indulging in but it absolutely enthralls me.

No way can this be normal.

Anywho - I am enjoying it and doing my part to keep Border's Books in business.

Please feel free to suggest any other good reads I should purchase or tell me if you liked/hated any of the books already listed.

As for my intake, yesterday was a successful fast day and today is a fasting day as well. So far, only water and some kombucha. There will be green tea and more water for lunch.

Starve on!

Me and ED sittin' in a tree...k.i.s.s.i.n.g

"We're going to have so much fun together." she whispered in my ear.
"We already are!" I grinned.

I feel like my ED and I are falling in love. We're at the early stage where we love everything about about each other and we want to spend all of our time together.

So last night was far from stellar. I got through the day with the green smoothie but then on the way home from work I just wanted to chew something. I don't even know why. I had one hell of an internal argument about it and decided to allow myself to eat some hummus and tabouli when I got home and one dairy-free mini ice-cream sandwich. It was about 500 cals of damage I think. Mostly because I broke down and had two of the mini ice-cream sandwiches. Yeah, I suck. Anyway the day came in around 1000 cals for which I completely hate myself.

In agreement for eating last night I am fasting today as normal and then punishing myself with another fast tomorrow. I shouldn't have eaten last night and I hate myself for it. Food is something I don't need or want.

Friday is normally my fasting day but the office is taking me to lunch to celebrate my upcoming wedding. It would be rude to not eat anything. I checked out the restaurant's menu and they have some salads that will work. Friday after work I am flying home for the party weekend and I will probably have some cocktails with the girls but am going to try not to eat anything to save up my calories for the festivities on Saturday.

Then Sunday will be hangover day and I think I can get away with not eating because I'll need to drink tons of water as I'll certainly be dehydrated from the evening before. Monday I fly back to DC and I can easily get away with fasting that day away.

I have a game plan!

Now I'm going to go get intimate with my ED...at the gym. :) My boss is out so I can sneak in a workout for lunch. Yay!

Love.You.Guys. :)

Stay hungry!