Blank

I simply have nothing to say.

I've been wanting to post something all week but I keep drawing a blank or thinking everything I want to write is too stupid.

I'm unable to sleep without sedatives. My mind won't stop.

15 days until the wedding.

I'm a fat mess.

I have been eating so-so. My workouts though have been awesome. They are basically keeping me sane right now.

I don't know. I guess I'm just mad at myself for being such a fat slob.
I will never forgive myself for being a fat bride.

I'm closing in on the supposed happiest day of my life and all I truly want is to disappear.

Forgive me, I'm a whiny bore today.

Oh, and it's my birthday.

I intend to get stinking fucking drunk tonight...probably on an empty stomach.
Yay Chardonnay!

Stay hungry ladies.
Always.

A compliment?

This morning my co-worker, let's call her V, stopped by to see how the wedding plans are going. She knows all about the two-dresses saga. After I updated her (dress number two, the smaller size, is fitting better and better) she just nodded and said, "I guess so. Your clothes are just hanging off of you!"

I almost kissed her! She is the first person, outside of my immediate family and friends, to comment on the weight loss.

The day is suddenly brighter.

Still fighting it

First, I really can't express how very much I appreciate the kind words and encouragement from you ladies. I find you all to be some of the most amazing, insightful, compassionate, and intelligent people I've ever come across. That is what drew me to reading all of your blogs and ultimately starting this pitiful one of my own. You guys really are something quite special. I can't say that enough.

Thanks. :)

And so...I haven't written much lately because I feel like I'm on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. My eating has been all over the place but I haven't gained so that is good. I have been working out aggressively and thus have lost a few inches from my hips, thighs, and waist. This consoles me. Nevertheless I have become so anxious about the wedding (June 27 is the big day.) that I feel like I'm crumbling around the edges of my mind.

My moods fluctuate rapidly. I am drinking more. I have had to start taking sedatives at night so that I can sleep. I can't focus at work. I'm bitchy to my fiance. It is a lot of not-good stuff.

What sucks the most is that there is no one in my life that I can talk to about this stuff. Everyone just brushes me off like I'm over-reacting or being 'dramatic'. I feel like an idiot so I shut up and keep everything inside and now I feel like my edges are fraying.

Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my fiance. He is my Yin. It's just that I am dreading this wedding. I hate my body so much that it almost trumps everything else. Gah! I don't know. I'm feeling like an idiot for even talking about it. It's my wedding for chrissake. I should just be happy.

/end whine

Anyway, I had a great workout this morning. I only brought a grapefruit to work so I'll have that for lunch. I intend to sleep through dinner.

Now, to answer PrettyWreck's brilliant SC 2009 Challenge Question 3:

Why?

Immediate Answer: Because I have to.

I just have to.

Look, I've spent my entire life...repeat: ENTIRE LIFE...fat.

I have only ever seen the world through the lens of a fat girl. And let me confirm something here and now...

IT.FUCKING.SUCKS.

Anyone who says different is a liar. Period.

Sure, there are those out there who are comfortable with their bodies at any size. Bully for them! But if they try to tell you that it doesn't matter and it doesn't affect their life they are telling a bold-faced, full-of-shit, living-in-a-fucking-fantasy-world LIE.

Now, of course there are far worse things then being fat. I acknowledge that. Nevertheless, in my life it has been the single greatest hindrance. Far more then even my race has shaped my life. (At the crux of all of this is being female but I don't even want to get into deeper thoughts on that or this post will go on forever.)

The bottom line is that I REFUSE to live my entire life as the fat girl. I will not do it. I can not do it. Being thin went from being a desire to morphing into a necessity. I have to prove this to myself. It is the sum total of a life-long list of hurdles I've overcome.

I got the college degree.
I got a good job.
I found a wonderful life partner.

Now, I have to be thin.

I'm not having kids so this pretty much feels like my last big personal challenge. It's do or die.

I have to be thin...or die trying.