baby steps

300 cals?  32oz green smoothie; kale-vanilla almond milk-2 frozen bananas
120 cals   2 korean pears
lots of water

i am fat and miserable...but i'm trying.
...baby steps....

W.T.F?

Um yeah.  I'm back.

[cue appropriate music for sheepish return and additional 10lbs to despise]

So um, yeahhh.....

My husband's 40th birthday (say what you want but he's a total fucking HOTTIE!!) is the first week of December and what am I doing for him you ask??

We're going to a "clothing optional" adult resort in Jamaica.

Yes, my husband is a nudist.  And he totally can be.  He's HOT.

I, on the other hand, am not.  I love naked people though.  They are awesome.  I just can't do it.  However I did buy 5 new bikinis for the trip which would be good except that I am 10lbs heavier than I was last time I was here.

I would like to tell everyone that I've matured and will not starve myself for the next month.
I would like to believe that I am comfortable in my own skin because my husbands loves me just as I am.
I would like to think that I don't need to do anything extreme to lose this weight before the trip.

I would also like to win the lottery.

Anywhoo I'm here. 
I haven't eaten a thing today and I am not going to.

It has been MONTHS since I fasted.
Bring on the hungry!  Woot!

[cue celebratory music and picture victorious air fist pump!]

wish me luck!
I've missed the blogs.
I'm going to see what is going on in the cyberworld out there.
Hope you guys are ok.  xoxox

Quick post

1.  I am alive.
2.  Working in DC is CRAZY right now and I am swamped beyond belief.
3.  I have regained some control on my eating (THANK GOD).
4.  Have been purging daily since the first snow storm over a week ago.  (sigh)
5. MISS YOU GUYS.

The support I get from reading everyone's blog can not be overstated.  I am missing it LOADS right now but simply haven't the time to catch up yet.  I'll finish a big project in the next few days and hope to return and find out what everyone has been up to.

Be well and please take good care of yourselves!

xoxox,
A
        

Who needs a treadmill...

Who needs a treadmill when you've got Snowmageddeon 2010!  I've burned tons of calories shoveling.

INSANITY.

Power has been intermittent.  Today was another blizzard!

In the last 6 days we have received 50-60 inches of snow!!!

I've never seen anything like it.

I haven't been at work since last Thursday.

Seriously, it has been UNREAL.  The snow piled in our front yard is as tall as I am (I'm only 5'2.5")

I don't know how long the power will stay on.  Unfortunately I've been drinking and eating entirely too much since I've basically been trapped in the house.  Ugh.  I am dying for this shit to stop so that I can get back to my life.

Being home makes me fat.

Gah!

MISS YOU GUYS!!  Send good vibes.  It is going to take some time to get life back to normal around here.  If I can post some pics later I will try.  It is an unbelievable sight.  There are snow drifts over 6 feet high and snow piles (from plowing) well over 10 feet!

Snowtorious B.I.G.
Snowpocalypse 2010
Snowtastrope!

With love from a snowbunny in Maryland,
A

xoxoxoxoxoxox

snOMG!

Last night around 10pm M and I went outside.  It looked like this:

I woke up to this:

And here's a view out of our back door:

And here's a view looking across our neighbor's deck:

They are saying we got 20+ inches already and it is going to snow all day with an expectation for an additional 10 inches by midnight tonight.

At least we've still got power!

I'm going to make a strong pot of coffee and hop on the treadmill in case our luck wears out.

Be strong and stay lovely!
          

And on the 5th day...she puked.

*sigh*

Sorry guys.  I couldn't keep it up (or down as the case may be).
As soon as I ate more than 500 calories, I purged.

I have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand I'm mad at myself.
On the other hand I am still pretty damn proud that I made it 4 days at all.

We are are expecting 20 to 30 inches of snow in the next 36 hours.
Yeah, I said 20 to 30 inches of snow!

They are calling it the 'Snowacalypse'.
Or Snowmageddeon.

So today I worked from home.
Worked out.
Decided to eat a few extra calories.
Started with a 300 cal green smoothie.
Which lead to some coffee filled with my favorite cinnamon hazelnut calorie-laden creamer.
Which lead to a half a cup of bar-b-que chex-mix.
Which lead to two more cups of bar-b-que chex mix.
Then a coke zero...

And then she puked ladies and gentlemen.
Oh yes, Mia hopped in the drivers seat and drove me straight to Purge City.

And now, I am stuck in the house for at least the next 36 hours with a husband that will sit downstairs and play video games as much as he can.  Of course, while he is down there I will sit up here with my computer living in relative isolation and try not to b/p the time away.

Ah well.  Could be worse right?
I may have lost this battle, not the damn war.

Okay.
Deep breath.

I'm off to make a pitcher of vodka, light cranberry juice, and club soda.  :-)

Let the snowacalypse begin!!

And thanks for the amazing support this week ladies.  You all keep me going.
I refuse to give up on me.
I love you guys to bits.

xoxoxox,
A
                

"Three days was the morning"

I walked in the bathroom this morning and said "fuck you" to my toilet.
I didn't miss it.
Mia was sitting on a little chair behind it,
just relaxing and filing her nails.
She grinned at me.
"You'll be back."
She stated.
"Fuck you too."
I responded
and promptly ignored her.

____________________________

I feel gooooooooooood this morning ladies.
Shockingly good.  :D
I've awoke once again with a gloriously empty tummy and no lingering taste of the previous night's binge in the back of my throat.

Yes!

I've been fasting during the day all of this week.  I make a low-cal smoothie when I get home before bed.  Last night I came home and made a small green smoothie:

1/2 cup low-fat vanilla kefir (it's like drinkable yogurt)
1.5 cups frozen blueberries
2 cups spinach (first blended with water)
Total = 212 cals

I really want to keep my smoothies as low cal as possible.  This one was a bit heavy on the blueberries and lighter on the vanilla kefir so the taste wasn't as sweet but it was still good and I felt satisfied afterward.

After the smoothie I spent some quality time with M for awhile and went to bed...purge free!  :)

I know as part of the challenge we are supposed to give our mid-week weight but I can't manage it.  I have serious scale phobia.  The scale makes me positively crazy.  I pretty much go by how my clothes are fitting.  If skirts are sliding off my hips then I'm happy.  I am just going to focus on not purging and hardcore restricting for now.  I'll try to muster up the strength to get on the scale once my current "status suit" looks too huge to wear.  And I'm getting close! I wore the ss-suit yesterday to work and realized that the skirt is hanging hilariously low on my hips.  But I don't care.  It feels good when my clothes start to fall off.     It reminds me that I'm shrinking.

I'm planning on fasting today as well.  We are gearing up for another big snow storm to start tomorrow morning.  They are predicting 12-20 more inches!  So M wants me to go grocery shopping tonight so that we don't have to venture out at all this weekend.  I am feeling pretty strong about the grocery shopping.  I know that I can buy enough low-cal stuff to  get me through the weekend.

The only thing is that the weekends are when I am prone to binge.  So is it wrong if I just plan a b/p for Saturday night?  I am wondering if that will make me feel like I have more control over it.  I mean, maybe I can get through today and Friday easier if I know that I can b/p on Saturday.  You think??

Fuck...I am just making excuses to justify my fucked up disorder.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I'm really proud of making it three days.
But I'm also getting kind of scared.

Does that make any sense??