Oh how I hate food. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
I have an office job and I sit entirely too much of the time. The good thing is that I don't work with big eaters so this is the first office I've ever worked in where I don't have to face any edible temptations on a regular basis.
My boss is anorexic. I am sure of it. My last boss was too. Seriously, my boss never eats. She is at work all the time and I never see her nibble on a thing. On the incredibly rare occasion when she brings in food it is always fresh fruit. She has been thin all of her life. Women in DC just are. I have never been surrounded by so many skinny women. DC is a power town and fat is NOT a symbol of strength. Everyone is appearance obsessed. I knew when I moved here that I would fit right in!
So today, with the help of the phen, I have not eaten a thing. Just water all day and two small Altoids (1 cal total). My appetite is gone and it is glorious. I came home and got on the treadmill and worked a few weights. I feel good and empty.
But here I am - with no appetite at all - seriously considering going downstairs and slicing open an avocado. Avocados are a weakness and I wish like hell that I didn't have one in the house. Of course it is my own fault. The Mexican Ambassador sent over boxes of fresh Mexican avocados for people in the office. Free avocado for chrissake. Like a weak fat cow I took one home.
I'm a fool.
I'm not hungry but I want the avocado. I mix them with a clove of garlic, a splash of lemon juice, and salt. I don't need chips or anything. Just a spoon.
276 calories calling my name.
F.M.L.
I am going to bed. I can't even deal with it.
I hate myself for even wanting it.
I hate food. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
Stay strong ladies...and stay hungry...always.
06 May 2009
Drugs...Drugs 'r bad m'kay....
First of all thank you all for your comments! It means a lot. :) I take your support and suggestions to heart. You ladies are beyond words. Seriously.
I didn't post yesterday because I felt like like hell. I had a beer when I got home from work on Monday night (yeah, yeah I know...not cool) and yesterday was not a stellar day either.
BUT! I am very happy this morning as I have rediscovered my stash of phentermine. Yes my babies...prescription appetite suppressants ROCK. These things are a year old and I thought I'd given them all to my friend last summer. Of course the question is why did I give them all away in the first place right? Well I was seriously depressed and considering suicide and gave them away because I figured why bother suppressing my appetite when I would probably kill myself soon. Needless to say, I'm still here - for better or for worse.
So yay me for cleaning under my bathroom sink last night and discovering my phen. I popped one of those babies an hour ago (I get up obscenely early for work.) and I can already feel its mojo working. With these things I can not eat for WEEKS! It is pharmie bliss I tell you.
God, I really need to do a 'background' post and tell you guys the details of my life but I just haven't the time for a long exposition right now so here are the bullet points that I'm comfortable sharing right now.
Height: 5'2 1/2"
Weight: EMBARASSING (I refuse to even type it.)
Age: Old enough that I should know better than to abuse my body the way I do...but I don't give a shit.
Location: Washington DC area, US
Occupation: I work in politics supporting and managing the life of a DC proverbial "mover and shaker". It occasionally pretty cool but I am easily the fattest person I know.
I appropriately have a college degree in theater, music, and history. Ha! What the hell am I doing in politics/business?? Well, that degree did give me the skills to be the consummate bullshitter. I never, and I mean never, show people who I really am. People think I have it all together. I know that I am a piece of shit. I am regularly bitchy and easily an ass-kisser when it serves me. Most of the time I just wish for death.
I'm not right in the head and don't think I have ever been. C'est la vie.
I'm just glad that my appetite is gone and I have you ladies' blogs to get me through the days.
God...I suck at intros.
Anyway...I have drugs! Yay! Now...I just have to arrange to get another script because I am getting married at the end of June and it.is.freaking.me.out. I need to lose a million pounds ASAP.
But I'll leave the details of my impending nuptials for another post.
Jeebus...this phentermine has me loopy. Woo hoo!
Okloveyouguysbye. *muah*
I didn't post yesterday because I felt like like hell. I had a beer when I got home from work on Monday night (yeah, yeah I know...not cool) and yesterday was not a stellar day either.
BUT! I am very happy this morning as I have rediscovered my stash of phentermine. Yes my babies...prescription appetite suppressants ROCK. These things are a year old and I thought I'd given them all to my friend last summer. Of course the question is why did I give them all away in the first place right? Well I was seriously depressed and considering suicide and gave them away because I figured why bother suppressing my appetite when I would probably kill myself soon. Needless to say, I'm still here - for better or for worse.
So yay me for cleaning under my bathroom sink last night and discovering my phen. I popped one of those babies an hour ago (I get up obscenely early for work.) and I can already feel its mojo working. With these things I can not eat for WEEKS! It is pharmie bliss I tell you.
God, I really need to do a 'background' post and tell you guys the details of my life but I just haven't the time for a long exposition right now so here are the bullet points that I'm comfortable sharing right now.
Height: 5'2 1/2"
Weight: EMBARASSING (I refuse to even type it.)
Age: Old enough that I should know better than to abuse my body the way I do...but I don't give a shit.
Location: Washington DC area, US
Occupation: I work in politics supporting and managing the life of a DC proverbial "mover and shaker". It occasionally pretty cool but I am easily the fattest person I know.
I appropriately have a college degree in theater, music, and history. Ha! What the hell am I doing in politics/business?? Well, that degree did give me the skills to be the consummate bullshitter. I never, and I mean never, show people who I really am. People think I have it all together. I know that I am a piece of shit. I am regularly bitchy and easily an ass-kisser when it serves me. Most of the time I just wish for death.
I'm not right in the head and don't think I have ever been. C'est la vie.
I'm just glad that my appetite is gone and I have you ladies' blogs to get me through the days.
God...I suck at intros.
Anyway...I have drugs! Yay! Now...I just have to arrange to get another script because I am getting married at the end of June and it.is.freaking.me.out. I need to lose a million pounds ASAP.
But I'll leave the details of my impending nuptials for another post.
Jeebus...this phentermine has me loopy. Woo hoo!
Okloveyouguysbye. *muah*
04 May 2009
Beer is Evil.
Well I’m off to an auspicious start…
My weekend was an eating disaster. Saturday we went a birthday party for one of my fiancé’s co-workers and the beer was flowing. Ugh. Beer is among the most hideous of my weaknesses. I had entirely too much and subsequently ended up eating a bunch of this chili dip and a huge slice of birthday cake.
Not good.
Saturday was hangover city at my house which resulted in lots of lounging on the couch and the consumption of Wendy’s in the late afternoon.
I.Hate.Myself.
So this morning I had a bagel for breakfast and now I’m sipping on a green smoothie and that’s it. No more food for me until Wednesday. I’ve already taken an aloe vera laxative and I will be kicking my ass in a workout tonight when I get home.
I’m off to read your blogs and get myself motivated.
Stay hungry.
My weekend was an eating disaster. Saturday we went a birthday party for one of my fiancé’s co-workers and the beer was flowing. Ugh. Beer is among the most hideous of my weaknesses. I had entirely too much and subsequently ended up eating a bunch of this chili dip and a huge slice of birthday cake.
Not good.
Saturday was hangover city at my house which resulted in lots of lounging on the couch and the consumption of Wendy’s in the late afternoon.
I.Hate.Myself.
So this morning I had a bagel for breakfast and now I’m sipping on a green smoothie and that’s it. No more food for me until Wednesday. I’ve already taken an aloe vera laxative and I will be kicking my ass in a workout tonight when I get home.
I’m off to read your blogs and get myself motivated.
Stay hungry.
01 May 2009
The First Post
So here goes...
I have been reading blogs avidly and realized that I need to join you. So many of you have inspired me and kept me afloat on days when I've felt so alone.
This is going to be challenging for me because I've spent my whole life hiding myself from everyone. I never let people in. I never let my guard down. I am the staunchest supporter and the harshest critic of myself. I am fat and miserable and have walked around like I was the thinnest girl in the room. Attitude is indeed everything darlings.
My personality runs the gamut from wallflower to vixen and I don't know what I will reveal writing this blog but I do promise to be as true and as open as I can be. Because for the first time in my life I think I have found kindred spirits.
So here goes...wish me luck lovelies! I can't wait to get to know you all.
*MUAH*
I have been reading blogs avidly and realized that I need to join you. So many of you have inspired me and kept me afloat on days when I've felt so alone.
This is going to be challenging for me because I've spent my whole life hiding myself from everyone. I never let people in. I never let my guard down. I am the staunchest supporter and the harshest critic of myself. I am fat and miserable and have walked around like I was the thinnest girl in the room. Attitude is indeed everything darlings.
My personality runs the gamut from wallflower to vixen and I don't know what I will reveal writing this blog but I do promise to be as true and as open as I can be. Because for the first time in my life I think I have found kindred spirits.
So here goes...wish me luck lovelies! I can't wait to get to know you all.
*MUAH*
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