Out into the world.

I don't like to leave the house on the weekends. I would much rather sit in my house. 

I have a treadmill. 
I have coffee. 
I have M.
It is enough.

But alas, today is one of those Saturdays that makes me feel out of sorts.  I must be in the world today.

I went out to the gym this morning for a much needed bout on the elliptical machine.
I got coffee.
M is out modeling his tattoos.  (He has over 80 hours of amazing work covering his back and chest.)
I have to meet my girlfriend J at the movies at 2pm.  Then we are spending the afternoon together for "girl time".

There is food out there.
There is alcohol out there.
I can't control things out there.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not afraid of the world or anything it's just that I spend so much time during the week being "on" for everyone and everything.  My job demands that and it is exhausting.

The weekends are mine.  And I like them to be comfy and cozy inside. 
I like for the weekends to be empty...much like my stomach.

Fuck it. 
I am going to put on a cute sweater and bright lipstick and embrace the world out there.
(And probably consume a bottle or two of wine!)
Hee.

Have a good day everyone!

Longest.Friday.Ever.

I've no desire to work today. And yet, I am stuck here.

I made some changes to the blog and put up a picture of my favorite thinspo, Yasmin Warsame. Sweet Jeebus I would KILL for her body.

sigh.

My boss is on a plane returning from Asia and will hit the ground in the next two hours. Of course she will call me immediately thereafter and my life will be hell until 5pm at least.

Gah.

All I can do is sit here and think of the sushi I intend to b/p on when I get home tonight. Washed away with some Chardonnay of course!

At least I haven't eaten a solid thing yet today.

That is a victory.
...Is that a victory?

oof.

xox...and I don't normally do the thinspo thing but these pictures of Yasmin are just too good...

"You've really lost a lot of weight in the last year."

So I had my annual "chick" appointment this morning. (Make sure you get them if you can ladies...VERY important!)

I didn't remember until I was sitting in the waiting room that they were going to weigh me.

WEIGH.ME.

I panicked. I have been avoiding the scale like the plague because I can't take it. The numbers just fuel my madness. The number is never good enough, even if it is going down, and it just drives me to food and then depression. So I haven't weighed myself in months and have just been going by clothing size.

Clothes are getting too baggy = Yay!
Clothes are getting tight = Massive Depression

Happily, everything is baggy these days so I'm pleased.

Anywhoooo...I get on the scale and the number, which I can not bring myself to type, is smaller then I'd expected (Yay!) but far too high to be proud of (You fucking fat cow!). I'm feeling bad throughout the exam and near the end my doctor casually looks at my chart and then at me and says the most wonderful sentence I've ever heard...

"You've really lost a lot of weight in the last year."

I wanted to kiss her.

Because you know, I get so obsessed with right now that I forget the ocean for the waves.

She is right. I have lost a respectable amount of weight in the last year even though I am no where near my goal.

And just for today, I have decided to be happy with that.

The scale is moving in the right direction. And that is okay with me. :)

So far today nothing but coffee.

Yay!

Pulling myself together

You guys are wonderful.

Thanks for the support.

I feel better this morning. I've had a moment of zen or something. Whatever happened, I awoke feeling very in control. I haven't had this feeling for weeks. It feels damn good.

So, I'm on my second cup of coffee and planning to spend the day cleaning the house. We are getting together with friends tonight so I will have to eat and there will be alcohol but I can handle it. It is all I will consume for the day besides coffee and water.

I feel calmly aware of myself this morning. Accepting who I am, the good and the bad, and facing it head on.

Because deep down inside, away from the self-criticisms, away from the ED, away from the fears and anger...I know that I am worth loving.

Sometimes I fall down but I will never give up on me. Never.

Peace to you all and wishes for a productive day.

I do NOT know how to eat.

Okay, seriously...

I do not know how to eat.

WTF??

When I do eat, I purge. Even if it is something "healthy".

When I don't eat, I think about eating and purging.

I have no concept of enjoying and digesting a "reasonable" meal.

Jesus Christ.

In the last two weeks almost everything I have consumed has been purged. Even when I've gone to the vegan restaurant around the corner. It is all fresh, vegan, and low calorie but I can not HELP but to purge it away.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????

I've resigned myself to my fate.

I will throw up until the weight stops dropping.

And then I will starve.

idk....................

I do love you ladies so. Please don't think me too vain or too crazy.
You are the only ones that I think even begin to understand my madness.
I love you and appreciate you more then words can express.

Africana on Eating

To eat means to agonize at all non-eating times about what could/should/would possibly go easily in and come easily up.

To eat means to ensure you have a large glass of water or better yet soda (the bubbles help!) on hand so that the liquid makes the purging less harsh.

To eat means to love ice cream and yogurts for they are smooth on the way in and on the way out.

To eat means to panic if you must go to a restaurant with co-workers at lunch who talk too damn much and always want to accompany you to the bathroom when you need to "freshen up"/lighten-up after you scarf down a sandwich at The Corner Bakery.

To eat means to hate yourself with each bite, to smile with each heave, and to sob at the end of each day.

To eat means to watch other people in absolute amazement when you pass them pushing their full grocery carts and realize that they actually intend to DIGEST all of that food!

To eat means to spend your money on bullshit that you have no intention of keeping down for longer then a few minutes, if you can help it.

To eat means to find a small bakery that specializes in the MOST devine cupcakes located a few blocks from your job, then to stop at said bakery one day and purchase a half dozen of the unbelievable beauties, delicately carry them on the subway, kiss your husband when you get home, go upstairs and gulp down all 6 cupcakes with a soda, immediately purge the lot, rinse the mouth, and then go down stairs to watch TV with hubby before bedtime.

To eat means to feel full only when you are convinced that you are completely or close to emptied.

To eat is torture.
To binge is madness.
To starve is devine.

xox

Being Africana

I've neither gained nor lost a pound.

I'm throwing up almost every thing I eat every day.

Work is completely insane right now.

Husband is awesome sauce.

I want cats...asap.

The fucking mini-milkyway bars out at the reception desk are taunting me.

I hate that I have to go to lunch today with co-workers.

I love my treadmill.

My period ends tomorrow....THANK GOD.

I miss you ladies and hope you are all doing well.

okloveyoubye

xox