ED 101

So I was sitting here at work feeling blah and fat. Like a big fat fatty blah blah.

So I googled “weight loss motivation” and was directed to these nuggets ‘o wisdom from about.com.

Okay, sure. This is reasonable stuff but so obviously not what I needed. Thus I have amended it more to my liking ….(drum roll please)…..

ED 101

Sometimes we realize we are a total fat fuck and decide to do something about the obscene circumference of our thunder thighs. We start restricting/fasting/purging but we aren’t losing weight fast enough. We fail at a fast. We eat junk so then we must throw up our lunch. We eat more calories then we would like. Maybe it's from outside pressure; sometimes our friends want to go out drinking (empty calories and drunk binges). Maybe you are forced to eat with your family or hear the sweet song of your favorite food calling out from the refrigerator. Whatever the cause, it sucks.

That doesn't mean you're destined for failure. Even if you've started and stopped 100 times before, this time doesn't have to end the same way.

By putting some important skills to use, you will find it a little easier to stop stuffing your trap with crap and to stick to your ED behaviors.

Skill One: Stop Fucking Eating Like a Cow

One of the best ways to stay motivated throughout your weight loss journey is to stop fucking eating like a cow. Shoving large quantities of food in your mouth is gross and will make your fat ass even fatter. Can you really afford any additional calories??

By starving yourself and/or restricting calories you will lose weight and be thin. If you continue to eat like a cow then you will deserve to look like a cow.

Your day is a success only if the scale numbers move down.

Skill Two: Every Calorie Must be Counted

You must count every single calorie consumed. If you are unsure of the number of calories in something - round up to a higher number then you think. If you ate too many calories one day then you should punish yourself with fasting or restriction the following day. If you binge then you must purge and/or use laxies.

Fewer calories over time = great weight loss.

Count calories or be a cow. The choice is yours.

Skill Three: Identify your Thinspiration

Whether it is pictures of your favorite celebs, skinny models, an upcoming special event, or to gain the attention of someone, it is important that you identify and motivate yourself with Thinspiration. Collect photos that motivate you or buy the outfit you want to wear in a smaller size so that you know you have to starve to wear it.

To achieve long-term ED success, you will have to come face-to-face with your fat habits by asking some important questions:

How will you ever wear size 0 if you keep eating?
Do you want to be “normal” and fat like most people?
What the fuck are you doing even looking at that pizza?

Berating yourself and triggering your ED is the way to get thin. Without that, you will always be a fat pig.

Skill Four: Avoid Eating Whenever Possible

There will always be friends that want to meet for lunch or required meals with your family. You may lose weight and people will try to encourage you to eat unnecessarily. You must avoid these situations whenever possible or at the very least be prepared with plausible excuses.

“I’ve already ate.”
“I’m allergic to ______.”
“I’m vegan.”

Use anything you can think of to avoid eating. Food is the enemy and must be conquered. Being thin is the most important thing. Period.

Skill Five: Remember, Think Thin!

If you aren’t thin. You aren’t shit.

‘Nuff said.


When motivation to stick to your ED is wavering and a good long look in the mirror at your fat thighs and stomach doesn't do the trick, think about the skills listed above, get off your fat ass and go to the fucking gym…or at least do some crunches for crissake.

You’re a cow.

Don’t eat.

Stay hungry…always.

There was an incident.

Yeah so um...there was an incident last night.

PrettyWreck - I think you were right on the money about mixing the phen with sleeping pills! I wish I had read your comment earlier. No good has come of it at all.

So last night I took a sleeping pill and still felt restless. Next thing I know, I'm in the kitchen with a bowl of red pepper hummus, some tabouli, and several handfuls of corn chips.

UGH.

I woke up this morning still tasting salt on my lips.

Soooooo not cool.

I didn't drink all of my green smoothie yesterday and guestimating the calories from "the incident" I'm putting yesterday over 1000 cals. Maybe as high as 1500?

Please.Kill.Me.

Oh well, so far this morning I've had several laxatives for breakfast. Yummmmmm. :)

I have a dress fitting at 3pm tomorrow. I refuse to eat until afterward. Also tomorrow morning is my weigh in and I need to see a lower number. Please, oh please, oh please, oh please. I mean, I feel like I've lost weight this week. I actually put on a skirt this morning for work and realized that it is too big and I looked ridiculous. Yay!! I can't wait until my clothes are falling off of me and I am forced to buy new suits for work. The good thing is that most of my business suits for work are cut pretty conservatively and I can probably wear them for awhile before I look too silly.

Okay I have to start working or my boss will kill me.

I am so grateful for you guys. *muah*

Stay strong and stay hungry...always.

Insomnia meets grapefruit

So I took a sleeping pill last night because the damn phen gives me insomnia. But then I still couldn't sleep. It was driving me nuts. I was feeling hungry and the longer I was awake the more I wanted to just go down to the kitchen and binge. It was pissing me off. So M comes upstairs and was surprised to find me still awake. I felt like I was going nuts and I really wanted to eat something. I finally went downstairs but I did restrain myself and juiced just one grapefruit. It was a big ruby red one. So sweet and delicious! I'm guessing maybe 150 calories maximum.

That's not so bad right??

I still feel like shit because I broke my fast early. I wasn't supposed to have anything but water yesterday.

I suck.

Anyway, I feel asleep about an hour after I drank the juice.

Well, what's done is done. Today is a new day and it's a 500 cal day. I sliced up a whole cantaloupe to take into work (200 cal) and I made a green smoothie with kale, banana, and strawberries (approx 400 cal). So that's a little over the 500 cal mark but I probably won't drink all of the smoothie. I water it down so it makes a lot.

I hate my fucking fat life. I hate that there are people out there that can eat anything they fucking want and never gain weight. M is like that. He lives on fucking coca-cola and potato chips and stays slim. wtf? I just rub potato chips on my thighs because that's where they are going anyway.

I am going to starve this disgusting fat off of me if it is the last thing that I do. I swear it.

On a happier note, you ladies rock. :) And thanks Tri Thin for the compliment on the dress. I love it and it's great because the back of it is corset laced and can be fit perfectly to my shape. Oh, and I read the book Purged yesterday. It was sad but there was so much in it that I could relate to. I'm starting Stick Figure today.

Okay, I've got to run to the shower or I'll be late to work.

Stay hungry!

Empty Wednesday

You ladies are the best. I can't state that enough. I've never come across a stronger and more supportive group. You keep me going. Thank you. <3

So yesterday was good, only the green smoothie. Today is another fasting day and I'm ready for it! Bring it on bitches!!

You may be wondering about my weight during the week but I only weigh myself weekly; first thing Saturday morning. I've tried the weigh myself everyday thing and it drove me to lunacy. Plus we have a fantastic clinical scale here at home, you know one of the tall metal ones like you would see in the gym or at your doctor's office with the movable weights. It is very accurate and because M rarely weighs himself I can just leave it sitting at my weight week to week. It is good because I can step on it and immediately tell if I have to adjust it upward to down. Moving the weigh down is the best feeling EVER. I am hoping to drop that baby several pounds this coming Saturday morning.

I have a lot of thinspiration coming up too. This Saturday morning I have a dress fitting. YIKE. And next weekend I am flying home to Michigan for my bachelorette party which is sure to be great! I even bought myself an outfit for the party that requires a 10lbs loss by then. So who is not eating? ME!

Alternate day fasting feels pretty good thus far. I am not hungry at all this morning. And yesterday sipping on the smoothie all day was no problem. Because of my commute I get home from work after 7pm and I skipped my workout and went straight to bed (I get up at 4:30am) which was good because you can't sneak to the kitchen if you are asleep right?? I hate to skip the after work exercise but I was too afraid that I would end up in the kitchen so I just went to bed.

Oh! And I've been reading a bunch of ED books. I read Wasted and The Best Little Girl in the World last week. I finished a collection of essays on ED titled Going Hungry yesterday. And today I am starting Purge. I have a lot of thoughts to share on these but I'll have to do it later because I need to get my fat ass in the shower. Do any of you read any ED books? I find them interesting and motivating. Is that completely sick or what?

Stay stong and stay hungry girls...always.

Oh, and if you are interested, here is a picture of my wedding dress!

Summer Challenge 2009

Okay...I'm totally late and probably not doing this right. You see, I am far to embarrassed to tell you all exactly how old and fat I am. It's just too much to bear. Nevertheless, I am participating in PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge 2009.

Age: 30-something (I stopped counting)
Current Weight: 185 (please kill me now.)
Goal Weight Loss: 135 (by Aug 10th)
Personal Goal: To go on at least 5 long hikes (20+ miles) this summer.
Biggest Challenges: To stay motivated in the face of my impatience. I want to be thin NOW.

My week has been good so far. Yesterday was a fasting day. Only water, herbal teas and 3 small altoids. Total calories 1.5. (Yes!) This morning I made a green smoothie with kale, bananas, flaxseed meal, and maca for a total of 457 calories. I watered it down and will sip on it all day at work. Then nothing tonight when I get home.

Work has been crazy. There is a bunch going on in DC as always.

I just wanted you ladies to know that I'm alive and I'm in it to thin it!

Stay strong and stay hungry...always.

Weekend?...I don't need no stinkin' weekend.

I am empty. It is good.

I wish I could just ride this feeling through the day but alas the weekend is upon me and social obligations must be fulfilled. It is my friend S's birthday and when she and I get together the margaritas flow like water. It's ridiculous. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and suggested some other (read: low cal) drink option but she wouldn't go for it. Margaritas and mexican food in general are our thing and it sucks. I swear that I can feel my thighs swell just thinking about it.

And of course I happily accepted more free avocadoes from the office yesterday because S loves them like I do and I promised to make her some authentic guac for the festivities tonight.

Margaritas and Guacamole = Calorie City.

I feel like I should stay home to exercise, read, and enjoy the emptiness. But I can't. My fiance and her boyfriend are best friends and they have all kinds of boy stuff planned for today. (Something to do with four wheelers and some Xbox live.)

The phen is working well and if I can keep my alcohol consumption in check then I will be okay. On the other hand, I am thinking that I should enjoy myself tonight and make tomorrow a fasting day. Actually, I am thinking about doing a regular alternate day fasting plan. Do you think that would work?

Monday - Fast
Tuesday - Eat (500 cal)
Wednesay - Fast
Thursday - Eat (500 cal)
Friday - Fast
Saturday - Eat (max 1000 cal to keep my metabolism going)
Sunday - Eat (500 cal)

What do you think? Would that work? I would be fasting 3 days a week which is doable. Or I could make Sunday a fasting day too but I'm worried about my metabolism slowing down. I need to lose this weight at a good clip. The wedding is June 27th. (Yikes!)

I'd love your input ladies. So please let me know that you think of the alternate day fasting plan.

Okay - I'm going to workout and do some cleaning.

Stay strong. Stay hungry.

On Fat and Goals

[PrettyWreck - thanks for the words of wisdom. They are so true. I feel so alive when I deny myself. Exercising control over oneself feels...intoxicating. And yes, phentermine is the doctor prescribed diet pill. I live near a doctor that is one of its greatest advocates. He has no problem doling it out. It does come with some side effects (dry mouth and insomnia plague me) but it KILLS your appetite so I'll pay any monetary and physical price to get my hands on it. I have an appointment on the 29th to get a refill! Yay! :) ]

All of you women rock. You inspire me so much. You have no idea.

Now onto the topic of this post:

I have always been fat.

Always.

Seriously.

I have no memory of ever being thin. Hell, I have no adult memory of being smaller then a size 14 fer crissake! Thus, I am not like most fat women I know who were once thin and then gained weight due to pregnancy or age or something like that.

I was always fat. In third grade my bra size was a 36C. No shit. It was crazy. I seriously overdeveloped at a very young age. At age 8 I looked like a 16 year old. It was freaky.

I'm built like the quintessential black woman; big boobs, small waist, thunder thighs, and fat ass. All but a few of the women from my mother's side of the family (whom I most resemble) are obese. I have only one "skinny" Aunt and it is known that she is bulimic. She's probably ana as well but I don't know for sure. The crazy thing is that she is like a size 8/10 and considered "skinny" by my Mom's family. lololol How insane in that?

I weighed 235lbs when I graduated from high school. HORRIFYING. But back then I didn't care.

I grew up around almost no other black people. I had lots of friends but I was the fat friend and being black just made me a novelty. I didn't have a single date until the end of my senior year and that was with a black guy from another school district. As a matter of fact, it was because of the lack of dating prospects that I ate all through high school. I figured why even bother to pretend like it was going to make a difference what size I was. Most of my best friends in high school were guys and most were just close to me because my girl friends were all thin and pretty. Thin girls love to hang out with the fat friend. Cute guys always make friends with the fat girl to get close to her skinny friends. That was my life for a long time.

And then college started and I discovered that people would actually date me. I mean, I had been told all my life that I had "a pretty face". God how I HATED that. "Oh, you have such a pretty FACE." Emphasis on 'face'. My body was/is disgusting.

So college came and I found a shocking number of men that loved a pretty face and thunder thighs. WTF? I hated myself more and more.

Yada, yada, yada (lots of drugs, sex, and madness later)....here I am a grown woman that has never experienced being thin.

But that, my friends, is about to dramatically change.

5 years ago I lost 60lbs and have kept off 45 of it permanently. But I am still a fucking cow and I hate myself for being so lazy. Especially when I work in a world where I am easily the fattest woman I know. It is truly only my attitude and displays of confidence that have got me the little success that I do have.

I am getting married next month to the most amazing man. He loves my fat ass. God bless him. Yet, in the most unexpected way, a NEED to be thin has awoke in me because I am with him. I think that now that I've found the love of my life I am freed from worrying about relationships and I can devote time to me. Isn't that strange?

My fiance, let's call him 'M', is not a needy guy. He lets me flit around him at will. If I need lots of attention, he gives it to me. If I tell him to go away because I'm cranky, he goes. Occasionally I probably hurt his feelings and he will often just look at me and say "Woman!" with playful authority to get me to shut up and listen. We work very well together. But I digress...

I have always dieted but I never really held a goal. I just wanted to lose weight. I never wanted to be a certain size. Isn't that strange? I was pretending to be content being a lazy fat slob. Gah! I realize now that by not desiring to reach a goal that I was constantly sabotaging my few weight loss successes.

Anyway, this post is getting ridiculously long (Sorry!!) and I still have million things I want to share but I'll save them for another time.

Bottom line - I now have goals that I WILL reach....or starve trying. ;)

GW1 - 130lbs
GW2 - 120lbs
UG - 110lbs

Today is a fasting day. So far lots of water (0 cal), some herbal ginger tea (0 cal), and 1 small altoid (.5 cal).

Stay hungry ladies....always.