3 letters in 'Evil' are also in 'Deli'. Think about it.

This morning was tough.  In the last year I developed the awful habit of eating breakfast.  Yes, I know people say, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."  I call bullshit on that.  When I am obese (and I seriously am!) breakfast is the worst meal of the day.  Eating breakfast is like opening the floodgates of hunger and sweeping myself into the raging river of an out of control appetite.  I can't stop!  It's awful.  I try to start healthy usually, oatmeal or some fruit, and then next thing I know it's two hours later and I'm scarfing down cookies and/or a bag of chips at my desk.  *shudder*  Just horrifying really.  So breakfast is out.  I'm done with it.

My dear Breakfast, it's over.  We're finished.  I am breaking up with you.

And no...we cannot be friends.

Back to this morning and the aforementioned toughness...  

It sucks.  I take the metro into the city and have to walk a quarter-mile to the office.  Of course I work in the heart of DC and there are a million freaking food options in that brief walk.  The worst being the new deli that they built, literally, right below my office!  It's too goddamn easy.

Is it sweltering outside A?

Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!

Is it freezing outside A?

Easy, just grab something at the deli.  It's close!

Hungry this morning A?

Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!

Want a snack this afternoon A?

Easy, just grab something at the deli. It's close!

Oof.  I swear.  I wish I worked out in the suburbs in a huge industrial park with nothing around for miles. 

I made it through the morning though.  I got off the metro one stop early and walked 1.5miles into the office. It was hot and muggy but it felt damn good PLUS I was able to sashay my fat ass right on by the deli without a second glance!  WIN.  Eventually all of these little wins will get me to my goal.  I will not give up.  

Regaining control with food is doing wonders for so many other areas of my life.  I didn't see it as a symptom before but it was.  I have been much happier this week and I'm really getting excited about moving to the new house.  We've been living in the townhouse for too long and the neighborhood has just got more ghetto over time.  On Tuesday morning I was awoke at 5:30am to a freaking SWAT team pounding on the door of one of the houses across the court from ours!  Seriously!  They had on full body armor and were holding those big shield looking things.  It was craziness.  I think the neighbors kid sells drugs but I don't know.  I stay out of people's business so they will stay the hell out of mine.

Anyway, we are moving to the middle of the fucking woods, 5.5 acres of mostly trees and not many neighbors around.  It's going to be so crazy but my husband is really really happy.  I'm a little weirded out by the thought of it but at least well have privacy, a place for pets, and my husband can be naked on the deck.  lol  Yeah, I married a nudist.  A naturally skinny super sexy nudist.  FML.  I never get naked.  Not happenin'.  Maybe if I  get down to like 3% bodyfat...maybe...I would walk around nude...but probably not.  

Thankfully he loves my fat ass as is.

However, I do not.

So the answer can only be....no food until 3pm today...or maybe later.

Seriously, I swear that fucking deli downstairs is evil.  Oof.

Believe in yourself ladies!  I believe in you.

xox,

A

Holeeeeeeshit!!

I.Am.Back!

I don't even know where to begin.  The last year has been...well...FAIL.  I think I've gained 50lbs.  I don't know.  I swear I haven't been on a scale since 2010.  I am in so much denial it isn't even funny.  I've gone up 3-4 sizes and I am sure that I must weigh over 200lbs.  I don't know.  I simply cannot face the scale.  Nope.  No way.  I would slit my wrists if I saw the number and I can't do that.  Gotta stay alive! So, I'm restricting again and sweet mamacita it feels fantastic!  So I'm rolling with it.  As for the rest of my life, here are the bullet points:

• -still working crappy job
• -Hubby still awesome and sexy! (why  is he with me?)
• -we are buying a house at the end of September (so excited!)
• -fat is me

Ooookay, that about wraps it up.  Life is relatively good except that I'm fatter that fat but that is about to end.  We are moving into the new house in a couple of months and hubs wants to have a big house warming party.  I have been avoiding people for the last year because I have gained so much.  It's been awful.  Everytime there has been a gathering with our friends I have feigned illness.  People are starting to think I don't like them but that's not it.  I am just not liking me at the moment.

Seriously, 80% of the pounds gained in the last year have gone directly to  my ass "do not pass Go, do not collect $200".  Fuck.  I just lost it.  Really.  It was scary.  Something in me said "fuck it" and I ate without a care.  All the time.  Often compulsively.  I said I loved myself enough to not care but I sooooooooooooo lied about that.  I care.  I'm fat and unhappy and it has got to stop.  

So, I'm back here, reading your blogs, looking for old friends, seeking out new ones.  I want to get back in control.  For the first time in a long time I feel alive.  Yesterday, wasn't perfect but I didn't eat a thing until 3pm which is a MAJOR WIN for me.  Especially when I was just eating all-day every-day and all-of-the-time!  So far today it's been water and loads of tea.  We have a staff lunch today in the conference room so I've ordered a salad which I can pick at.  Things should be okay.

I missed this space and missed the camaraderie.  I hope all you lovelies out there are doing well.

And don't eat!

xox,

A

Of kindness

My deep gratitude to you all for the kind and thoughtful comments on my last post.
You ladies are something special.  Thank you.

Q's sister has stabilized a bit.  They've brought her blood pressure back up with medication but she is on dialysis until (and if) her kidneys start working again.  She has two young sons that just want their Mom home for Mother's Day.  It's heartbreaking.

On a completely selfish note, my skirts are falling off of me.  So there's that I guess.

Keep those candles lit.

xox,
A

Life...

My friend's (she was my bridesmaid) only sister is dying from pancreatic cancer.

I don't know what to say or do for her.  I'm so terrible with this kind of thing.
I feel so ashamed for my selfish focus when a wonderful young wife and mother is battling for her life.

I am not a religious person.
At most I'd describe myself as a cynical-leaning idealist.  (horrible combination really)

Alas, if I believed in prayer - I'd be on my knees right now.

I'm simply not very hungry these days, physically or emotionally.

-A

I'm good

The fasting week has gone really well.

Work, however, has been a madhouse!

Just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I'm feeling good and feeling slimmer!  :)

xox,
A

He suggested we fast!

O.M.G.

My husband suggested that we fast together this week!!!

I almost screamed with joy.  :)

Ok, here's what happened.  You should know that M is one of those naturally athletic kind of guys.  He's always been slim and muscular even when living on a diet of coca-cola and potato chips.  He is one of those people with a naturally high metabolism and low body fat.  It's sickening!  Anyway, in the last year he has noticed a little bit of a tummy coming on him (the perils of getting older!) and he doesn't like it.  He's not really the gym type so when he wants to lose a few pounds he just drops his calories.

So last week he had to get a cavity filled and his mouth hurt so he didn't eat solid food for a couple of days.  He lost a couple of pounds and when he mentioned it to me I did suggest that he at least drink protein shakes so that his high metabolism doesn't eat up his lean muscle mass.  He liked that idea.  I told him that I was thinking of doing a few days on protein shakes to get things moving along with my diet and then he turned and said the most beautiful sentence to me....

"How about I join you and we have just protein shakes next week?"

What?
A liquid only fast with my husband next week??
Why thank you, I think I will!

There was already some good protein powder in the house and I went and bought the rest of the supplies for the week yesterday.  I can't believe it!  Liquids only for a whole week and hubby is on board!!  I don't have to worry about cooking anything for him and can avoid all the solid food in the house without getting any weird looks.

I made a big low-carb shake this morning with unsweetened vanilla almond milk (approximately 250 cals) and  I don't plan to eat anything else today!  If I am too hungry at bedtime tonight then I may make a small protein shake before bed.

This is going to be the best week ever!!

Good luck to all.
xoxo,
A

 

Strength via Fear?

I don't have to go to the office.  Yay!  My boss, bless her heart, is letting me work from home this morning since the office closes at noon today and I have a ridiculous commute.  It takes me almost 2 hours ONE WAY to get to work.  My commute is without a doubt the bane of my existence.  Thankfully my boss spared me the four hour round-trip commute for the 3.5 hours of office time I would have had.  She has a good heart and I'm damn lucky to work for her.

Nevertheless I really want to bail on my email this morning and instead head to the gym to kick my own ass with a couple of spin classes.  Work is a pain.  Instead I will wait until noon once the office is closed... but it is killing me!  Several hours at the gym is what I crave.  I should still be able to slip in a cardio class or two before M gets home this afternoon. 

I'm excited and nervous about working out.  You would not believe how long it has been since I've been to the gym.  I used to live there!  I was a reliable fixture every morning.  Now I'll be returning with my head down wearing fat sweatpants and "the t-shirt of shame".  Oof.  There really is no one to blame but me for this impending embarrassment.

I deserve to feel this way.
What the hell happened to me last year?
Who was that masked man?!
Gah, I'm so terrified that I will run into someone I know.

I'm fat.

Shit.

My fear of the gym is matched only by my panic at the thought of facing the scale right now.  I still haven't found the strength to step on that dreaded monster.  My dread of seeing a high number is keeping my eating in check though.  Fear can be a great motivator!  I came in under 1000 calories yesterday.  Still too much but a vast improvement from where I was just a few weeks ago.  I feel so much stronger and happier, like I'm waking up from a bad dream.  Empowered.  M noted my upbeat mood last night but attributed it to the lovely weather we've had this week.  I didn't bother to correct him but I know the truth...

I am in control again.

And.It.Feels.Glorious.

:)

Of course life will always have its ups and downs; its good days and bad days, but I am going to try and remember how much better the world looks through this lens. 

Control feels better than any food could ever taste.

Annnnnnd on that note - I wish you all a lovely weekend!

Stay strong ladies.
xox,
A